I can't handle it anymore...no more denial

[jussmoi4nao]

D

[JillSter]

You are so right! Be yourself and follow your dreams and you will shine!

I'm so happy for you that you found your strength again. You say you lost progress, but you look amazing! And you have your voice down too. So whatever time you lost being in doubt, it's just a bump in the road in the long run. You are truly beautiful and I could see the light in you as you talked about it!

Good luck with the rest of your transition! And welcome back to making your dreams come true!

[Tristan]

your adorable and love your video

[Cosi555]

you are a strong and beautiful woman and i wish you all the best on your journey.

I hope to one day be as strong as you and stop living in denial of who i truely am. but for now, people like you give me strength.

thank you and much love xx

[Sammy]

So, nice little Stephanie is back then? Glad to have You around here again . I remember, how we both started almost at the same time - You had two weeks on me then - and I was genuinely surprised when at some time I noticed that I have not seen Your posts for a while and then looked them up and found that You had deleted Your account. My first response was - You decided to went totally stealth (which kinda contradicted Your very open and cheerful style here), and then You returned and I initially did not believe this. I did not believe You but kept my mouth shut.
Nope, I actually did believe that You made Your decision, but I was not sure it was the right one for You - but You should know better for Yourself .
But at the end, that all does not matter - better to sort this all out now that 5-10 years later and I am suuure Your further journey will be much smoother now .

[Ltl89]

Hey Steph,

I will make sure to watch the video after work today.  In the meantime,  I would like to congratulate you, but also ask some questions,  if you don't mind.

Last time you posted,  you mentioned that the hormones had a dysphoria inducing effect.  My question is do you think that will be a recurring issue.  I totally understand denial, as most of us do, but I also realize that there are multiple paths for us and we all have to find the one that fits us best.  The last thing I would want is for you to start something if you are definite about it.  If you have done reflection and realize the source of your reverse dysphoria was denial, then congrats.  I went into a denial phase myself and stopped transitioning at 19 only to wait again till o was 24 (well the process started again at 23).  So, I can relate.  I just want to make sure you do what's best for you and that you end up happy.

By the way, if you aren't doing so, I would urge you to see a therapist.  Transitioning is tough and there will be bumps.  They will help you deal with the in a way that's best for you.   Alsi, please make sure to be safe and monitor your hormone levels.   One of the big risks that come with playing with our hormones is that it can sometimes create depression.   Making sure your levels are in a good spot could mitigate any potential issues, including emotional ones.

In any event,  congrats and hope to keep hearing your progress on life, whatever that may be.

[evecrook]

good luck you look and sound great.

[CalmRage]

can i tell you something. i kind of predicted this would happen, steph. Something about how you said everything, something about what you said......

[JillSter]

And those feelings of "reverse dysphoria"....they weren't so much over being a girl but over being transgender and not cis. I wanted to be cis sooo, so bad - still do - and the only way I can have that is as a boy.

I hate being transgender. I reaaally, really hate it.

This is the problem I was having, trying to come to terms with who/what I am. Part of me was ashamed of being a man who wants to be a woman, which is most likely the result of a lifetime of subtle misogynistic messages boys absorb as they grow up. But the idea of being a woman, in and of itself, was a good thing. It was the fact that I was trans, looked down upon by society, that bothered me. (Now the society part still bothers me, but the trans part is becoming a source of pride!) But if there's one thing we all must learn to accept, it's that we can't escape ourselves. If you are trans, you can never be cis. No matter how much you want to be a natural born female, or to be acceptable by society's ignorant standards, it will never happen. You are you. You can embrace yourself and be the best you possible, but that means accepting yourself as you are... and not letting fear of judgment dictate your life, as I did for so long. I still struggle with it, but I'm getting stronger.

Look around you at all these amazing people who have literally clawed their way out of hell to take back their lives and tell the world, "this is who I am!" Don't you feel proud to be a part of that community? I know I do! Being trans is only shameful when viewed through the lenses of hate and fear. I was ashamed because I was afraid. I refuse to let fear control me any longer, and I'm no longer ashamed of who I am.

What's so great about being cis anyway? Cis is average. Cis is boring. Cis is vanilla. Be proud that you're trans! Be unapologetically awesome in who you are, and hold your head high. Not because you're trans, but because you're you!

[Ltl89]

Heyy, everyone, thanks for your comments!

@LearningToLive,

Yeahh, I mean, that was a mixture of things. I meann...at that time, I was soo immersed in this quest for authenticity and just wanted to live my life as a "normal" gay boy, so I told myself and others a lot of things so I could sorta...erase my transition and make detransition seem like the right decision.

But I mean...I knew the whole time my identity wasn't something I was discovering, it was something I'd been running from. And those feelings of "reverse dysphoria"....they weren't so much over being a girl but over being transgender and not cis. I wanted to be cis sooo, so bad - still do - and the only way I can have that is as a boy.

I hate being transgender. I reaaally, really hate it. And I hate transition, and would rather not undergo that hell. But it's all inescapable, unfortunately.

Also, as I said in the video, I'm taking things sloow. Not messing around with hormones or anything till I see a therapist, which I'll be doing, soon

I'm glad you are going to talk to a therapist.  That's a good thing. 

Don't worry about denial.  We've all been there.  It's a really tough thing to accept and we all have probably tried to talk ourselves out of it before.  What's important is that you follow your heart and do what's best for you.  Accept what's in there and follow the proper course. 

And for what it's worth, I still struggle with being trans and not cis.  Even though I fully support transgender people (obviously, lol) it's still hard for me to accept that I'm trans and find pride in that.  I just want to live as a girl and be seen as one without the trans baggage.  It's a very common issue for trans women, so you aren't alone in this.  That's why I suggest therapy because it can help in this regard.

Good luck with everything and glad to hear you are doing well!