Now I'm Confused...

[Gene]

I have a question for y'all. I'm going through a complicated phase where I examine myself in terms of gender as society defines it (construct) vs gender as it really is (spectrum) and having trouble shaking the old expectations and restrictions. Before I learned how complicated gender is and how much crap we as transsexuals have to go through, I knew for sure transition was right for me and I had no question to my identity. I am male, albeit an effeminate and nerdy one who had a penchant for women's boots. Back then I could live with that.

Now I'm slowly confusing myself into a downward spiral of uncertainty. For instance, I am still living in my female body I dress and behave as my true self (male) about 90-95% of the time, however sometimes wear female clothing, which I refer to as me cross dressing, and even have mannerisms that are feminine. I mostly blame that period where I tried to hide my true self and be very feminine for several years. Then, I had no issue with cross dressing sometimes. Even my husband, who is cisgender, enjoys cross dressing. We've had many talks about how gender as constructed by society isn't an accurate depiction of masculinity or femininity. Consciously, I KNOW there's nothing wrong with me or my activities. I identify as, know that I am, and want to be perceived as male, so the rest doesn't matter or speak to my gender identity; it's just expression at that point.

Somehow though, I feel like once I transition to match my body to my mind, I won't be able to continue doing these "feminine" things or wearing the clothing; I feel like somehow it makes me less of a man, or makes me less of a transman. Then I have to question whether or not I was right about my identity in the first place. That person that was so sure about himself and knew who he was beyond a shadow of a doubt seems so far away from me now. I don't know how to break the chains of binary gender that hold me down, though I seem to have no problem helping others to break out. My husband says I'm too hard on myself, and don't allot the same considerations to myself that I do others. What are your thoughts on this?

[David27]

I struggle with mannerisms as I too had a really feminine phase to hide myself. However, the best thing is to not label actions/preferences. Just try to present as your true self and remember you are a man (or whatever you identify as) regardless of things that may not fit 100% with being a man. Besides even if you have feminine actions/clothes there are cismen and transmen who have feminine actions/clothes.

[aleon515]

What you are talking about "gender presentation" and naturally you might have a more feminine presentation than someone raised male. I don't see there is much of an issue with it. We were raised as female. I actually like some things that I liked when I lived as a female. I don't think they are so important. I have heard that guys will go thru a period of rejecting everything female and then go back later and start accepting their "feminine side" like doing knitting or something.

Gender presentation and so on are very tight in our society. I don't know how it is you identify (maybe you are't sure) but I feel now that I am not 100% male, but am on a spectrum maybe somewhat female or whatever. I just now accept who and how I am and not take it apart so much. If I like puppy puzzles that's okay, you know.

I feel a lot of us have a bit of female mannerisms. I think a lot of times trans guys come across gay. I think it's because we have mannerisms and speech patterns that are female. It's okay with me, as long as I am safe.


--Jay

[DriftingCrow]

Before I learned how complicated gender is and how much crap we as transsexuals have to go through, I knew for sure transition was right for me and I had no question to my identity. I am male, albeit an effeminate and nerdy one who had a penchant for women's boots. Back then I could live with that.

Gene, I totally understand. Before coming to Susan's Place and reading more about gender elsewhere, I always just thought there's male and there's female, with some femme guys and some butch girls being the only main exceptions. Coming here and hearing about gender-queer, andryo, non-binaries, dual-genders, etc. did make me stop and have to think about these different identities. Since I didn't know about them, was I just boxing myself in as male because I only knew of the binaries?

I haven't seen a gender-therapist, and probably won't. . . but if you're still considering transitioning sometime in the near future, you should perhaps go see on, one might be really helpful. I am just taking my time, no rush right?, to see what I feel given some time to absorb these other possibilities. I'll probably go see one if I decide to transition or if I am just really unhappy. 

Even if you transition, you can still  keep your feminine side. As trans people we're already breaking down societal barriers to become whole, so why just fall into society's norms when you don't want to once you get there? It takes a lot of courage to be who you are, but if that's what you want and need, jut do it.

[geek]

I feel a lot of us have a bit of female mannerisms. I think a lot of times trans guys come across gay.

my friends (affectionately) call me Jazzhands