I've been out alot lately guys. Whenever i go out, im always ALWAYS dressed up, and usually trying my best to be natural yet feminine. While, passing overall is of both great(and to a greater degree at home, of very little importance.) I just want to be able to pass(even ever so slightly) while im not at home. One of the two biggest things holding this back right now is that im a very very proper(and to a degree uptight(and i hope not snobby cause im broke). Perhaps i was a fanciable rich women in a past life?(hope so to be honest) And also, because ive held in my femme instincts for long they are hard to let out, as well as a great deal of anxiety about things most girls seem to find normal.
And while im sure this is a bit normal, esp from others who come from broken homes or have had parents/relatives try to stop them from being who they are. Well tonight, my friend Morgs pulled me into the girls bathroom(one without stalls mind you, just a toilet, since and dryer). I think(yeah i think, 3 drinks deep(and im 185 mind you. ) things start getting interesting), i kept my cool in there. But i realized, im pre-hrt, and really i just cant, not look at girls. I struggled to keep my eyes where they belong, and tbh she was peeing, nothing interesting there to me even in the slightest. Sometimes i supposed there's curiosity, but mostly its just that i have alot of VERY good looking friends, and i find myself looking often. I'm pretty sure they all notice, i know i do when im being checked out or more. I dont want to creep them out and i have soooo much fun with all them(not to mention learning tons about girl stuff i didnt know).
So anyways, due to having a rather poor reaction to both medications my psych(who moved after seeing me to canada, total dick who believed nothing i said either(things like, im sensitive to medications)) Has cost me over a thousand dollars and wiped out not only my HRT fund but most of my regular bills funds(not to mention my other medications one for anti acne and the other chantix so i can quit smoking and get HRT costing 400bucks) The other medications I took were Celexa 10mg(made me so depressed, and seriously confused, and well as spatially disoriented) the doctor did not tell this to me that it could happen despite knowing i drive for a living. So i ended up running into a parked car, cost me 500 bucks just to fix his car. The depression, very obviously caused (and the worst side effect) from the Celexa, which was all too bad considering, it lessened my general anxiety level in most situations a notch(not all the way just enough) thought that was replaced with crippling chemical depression, stopping me from working, or doing much of anything(anyone whose taken a few anti depressant types can prolly pinpoint that feeling when it comes on). I was lucky enough to notice it happening shortly after dosing.
The Second medication was Valium 5mg PRN. Seemed to kind of help at first when i went out. It did make me apathetic, which for the moment i was willing to live with for some kind of relief. Although when things got really tough, the valium started making me feel super depressed.(SO SO SO MUCH WORSE THAN EVEN THE CELEXA) The only thing that held me together was knowing that it was the medication. I didnt figure it out until i thought i was having a panic attack(which i dont get) late at night, at home(my most comfortable place in the world) so i took a second(it was a hard night at my dads who im on the outs with). Anyways wham, little while after i take it, it gets intensely worse. Needless to say, another hundred dollar doctors visit(at least i got my acne meds and chantix though)
So, now this brings me to my problem:(( Im certain ive mentioned on here before, that i self medicated with adderall over this past summer. And thats basically back where im at till i see the doctor again. My therapist/GP/Psych all now of my previous(if brief stent of self medicating with adderall for my anxiety) The thing is, ive got zero libido with adderall unless i really want it and my anxiety is practically nill, Not to mention lowering my inhibitions enough to be out and not be a stick in the mud. Which leaves me right back where i started with medications. I'm gonna tell my psych/therapist no matter what. But i doubt that they will be too thrilled and push this even further away. Leaving me stuck in anti depressant hell.
Anyone got experience in this particular territory?
