I can't find my old username in search.

[hurin19067]

I was on here prior to 2005 or around then using either "Misery Chick" or "Mired In Controversy" or maybe even "Mired In C" or some variation of the above. It's been a very, very, very long time since then.

I refer to myself as a "Reluctant Gunslinger" now ... I'm a confused person who came to this forum seeking solace and what not. Little update: I moved into an apartment in Morrisville, PA after my mother's dementia symptoms hit a severe level. We sold the house in which I had been living with my mother for at least 20 years or more.

I am still on Social Security Disability gov't checks as a primary source of income. You can't pay for a sex change when you're on food stamps and medicare, etc. I keep my "feminine side" secret just below the surface and it manifests as a sensitive & caring nature that is quite often abused. I feel sad whenever I get negative feedback or even the hint of negative feelings from others.

I want to help people and I guess the British side of my nature gives me an understanding of why Lady Di used to go to Africa to feed the poor or whatever it was she did over there.

I decided I'm not a looks-centric person. I am not a clothes horse. I'm fat, I'm too tall for my taste (in other words I'm a "big guy") and more often than not walk around with an itchy beard. I don't have the hootzpah to be a sister.

What brings me back is the fact I met a friend-of-a-friend who is a transgendered MTF. In RL. I admire this woman because she seems to have tamed my jerkiest of friends to an extent. 

But... anyway... were my old logins deleted? *sighs*

[Devlyn]

Hi Hurin, welcome back! I'm from Boston, and known on these forums as The Finder Of Things! https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,23527.0.html  It looks like your account was indeed deleted. You can start afresh! Hugs, Devlyn

[hurin19067]

Thanks for looking, Devilyn.

RE: "Living in Her Shadow" ... Vikki eventually re-surfaced. This is bad news, I hope you're sitting down.

She was found in the parking lot of an Atlantic City hospital, naked, after having been beaten nearly to death. She literally died in the ER for a few minutes but was ressusitated. The extent of her injuries has given her perma short term memory loss. She cannot recall anything that happens from day-to-day.

I know all of this because Vikki's mother explained it to me patiently over the phone. Vikki doesn't remember her relatives when they visit her no matter how many times they come. In fact, Vikki's mother passed away from cancer not too long ago so its just her daughter visiting her. Anyway, Vikki was made a ward of the state of New Jersey and lives her days in a nursing home somewhere near AC.

The good news is that what memories she does have a happy ones of her daughter's childhood. She doesn't remember any of the long line of men who abused her during her lifetime. The bad news is that she doesn't recall me either... AND I will never learn her life's story from her own words.

I remember thinking "I'm that HOPE for her...." when I first saw that tattoo. *sighs* some hope I turned out to be. I let her slip out of my life and went off my gord.