Depressed and down hearted

[delyth ann]

I've been feeling really down and dispairing. I keep trying to fight my need to be female and try to be a "man", but it just keeps getting me down. When I look in the mirror. What stares back at me doesnt look right. I've recently even grown a mustache to try an appear even more "manly". I wish I could just go to bed one night and wake up with a female body to match my mind, but I guess its not going to happen.
I really dont know what to do. This all scares me. I keep thinking what would happen if I tried to transition. How would people react? Would I be accepted as the woman I feel I should have been born as? I am scared of hurting people around me.
I am feeling very lonely. Guilty as well.

[Cindy]

Hi Delyth Ann,

This is very common, and one of the comments often made to a therapist is 'please make me into a man' unfortunately changing your brain is not possible, but we can change our bodies.
Talk to a therapist and explore your thoughts. I and many others have found living our lives as our true selves is both rewarding, possible and a lot of fun. True it isn't always easy, but hating the thing in the mirror can be far worse.

Hugs

Cindy

[sam79]

Oh Delyth.

I feel for you. You've been fighting this for so long... from an outside point of view, you almost seem stuck. Not a great place to be. So you already know there's no magic cure for GID. It's all a case of doing what you need to survive, and to be happy & comfortable. Surely those around you can see the depression in you? I'm sure they don't want to see it any more than you do.

So have you discussed this with your therapist yet? If not, is there anything holding you back? And with all the understanding of having those worries and experience, worrying about the end before you've even started is not very useful. You already know transitioning can be absurdly difficult... but we all generally get there in the end. And assuming we've followed the process & direction from health professionals, I think we're all happier in the end too.

Hugs.
Sam

[kathyk]

I'll second what Cindy and Sam said. 

Eighteen months ago I was where you are now.  Don't fear how transition may change your life, and don't let a bunch of stuff clog your mind and delay your talking to a gender therapist.  Setting up and attending that first appointment is the best thing you can do when questioning why there's a man in the mirror.  You'll be surprised at how a personal talk with someone who cares and knows how you feel about gender can relieve the depression, and relax your thoughts.

And please don't hesitate to post your thoughts and feelings.  It sure helped me through the question phase.

[Fernandabr]

I've been feeling really down and dispairing. I keep trying to fight my need to be female and try to be a "man", but it just keeps getting me down. When I look in the mirror. What stares back at me doesnt look right. I've recently even grown a mustache to try an appear even more "manly". I wish I could just go to bed one night and wake up with a female body to match my mind, but I guess its not going to happen.
I really dont know what to do. This all scares me. I keep thinking what would happen if I tried to transition. How would people react? Would I be accepted as the woman I feel I should have been born as? I am scared of hurting people around me.
I am feeling very lonely. Guilty as well.

Hey delyth ann,

I do understand your position, I'm living in almost same situation, I have this fear about "what would people think", but
it's not what makes me worry most, maybe my job, my family, things more close of my life. I'm dealing with that, trying to cross the line of this field...

I don't give a ->-bleeped-<- anymore, I've done everything I could. Since I lost my daddy when I was 10, I've worked a lot as a man to help my mother, my 2 sisters and 2 nieces. Everyone here is a woman, including me, except the fact i'm locked in this male body.
My mother didn't accept, she knows, but I keep hiding when I want to use clothes and mount myself to get the look of what I wanna be. I'm 30 years old nowadays, going to 31 in dec 9, and so far, I've only lived for them, but I won't go forward in this way, it's enough for me, I did my best and the only thing I got from all my effort...  a huge depression.

They never listened to my advices, I tried to put my nieces in a good way to live their lives with good education, and always warning about the risks of being a girl. I don't talk with one of my sisters anymore, there's no way to keep relation, she lied a lot to me, and hided the fact that my niece was in one relationship. Now my sister isn't authorized to visit my mother at home, also my nieces are not allowed to come. I know it's not good, even more for my mother that feels sad, and I know it hurts. Basically I had too many worries in my mind, and now I'm getting freedom, finally feeling a little better after stop being the man I couldn't.

I still look at the mirror, and all I feel... anger!
I'm jealous when I see a beautiful woman crossing my way,
I feel sad, I feel miserable, I feel an empty in my heart.

I worry about the fact of not be accepted, and this only because my mother
still needs my help. My financial condition aren't stable, not even for my family.

It's been a motivation to keep myself one step back
It's a lot of "If", and "what"  but <not allowed> off!

I'm tired of my lonely life, I don't go out in the last 10 years,
I'm here living in my room and going to my job one day at week, mostly time at weekend (saturday).
I've only 2 real friends (male) no one (female) and 1 friend at Internet that lives in Quebec-CA
I used to take self medication to make few changes in my body, started a diet plan and I lost about 30lbs.

I'm working to make changes in my body and get a feminine shape.
I'll start my HRT, and I've created my first topic here at Susan's, and everyone
gave me a good reception, and very, very good advices.

Of course they will be taken seriously, after all, it's my own health.
I hope you can make a decision and live your freedom, life is short, I've put mine at family purposes in the last 30 years, it's time to play with my dreams!

Be safe, and good lucky!

[Beth Andrea]

I've been feeling really down and dispairing. I keep trying to fight my need to be female and try to be a "man", but it just keeps getting me down. When I look in the mirror. What stares back at me doesnt look right. I've recently even grown a mustache to try an appear even more "manly". I wish I could just go to bed one night and wake up with a female body to match my mind, but I guess its not going to happen.
I really dont know what to do. This all scares me. I keep thinking what would happen if I tried to transition. How would people react? Would I be accepted as the woman I feel I should have been born as? I am scared of hurting people around me.
I am feeling very lonely. Guilty as well.

I had that moment too..."Who is this looking back at me? This isn't how I see myself..."

I asked, "What needs to change first?" Hair! Get longer hair...Earrings! I can do earrings! (Took me about a month to actually do it, though...had to ask people about "which ear = being gay?" (Answer: neither, and both, or one or the other...it depends on whether one *is* gay or not, not what ear(s) the bauble is in)...nail polish! (At first, clear and neutral tones...after about 3-4 months...COLOR!!)

Point is, find a gender the*apist, take your time, take your time...oh, did I mention take your time? There is no timetable to transitioning...just do one small thing at a time, get used to it, then maybe another small thing...etc etc.

Don't rush into HRT and surgery and full time...take your time, enjoy the process. And try to keep your loved ones up to speed on things. Sometimes they go along, sometimes not. When you are ready to share, let them know.

[delyth ann]

Thank you girls. I feel a bit of wimp to tell you the truth. I was seeing a psychologist at the beginninf of the year for depression. I kept telling myself I was going to open up to her about my gender issues but I could never find the words to do it. I am scared of the reactions of others. I am scared of rejection by those around me. I just wish I find the courage to deal with these issues and be true to myself. I just dont know where to start.

[sam79]

Being worried or scared about reactions from others is normal, but ultimately you can't control the reactions of others... It's their loss if they're being unsupportive isn't it? Being unsupportive is basically denying that you're severely unhappy as you are, and denying that you're the woman you feel inside. That to me is a very cold act.

And I know the pain... I come from a large family... lots of siblings, more nieces and nephews than I can count. I knew that they'd never really accept me, most being homophobes and racist... Well, I have my mom and that's about it. Nobody else in the family talks to me any more. I love my mom so much... the rest can stay out of my life if they choose.

There are many GPs in Melbourne with trans* skills & experience. I'm sure that Sydney will not be any different. So start with a GP ( doesn't have to be yours ) for a referral... because what have you got to lose?  If you need more local resources or contacts, then the ZBGC (Zoe Belle Gender Centre) might be of help too. They have pages of contacts by state, and many helpful locals to point you to the right people.

[evecrook]

there is a lot of help out there for you if you ask. I lived my  life in miserable pain because I knew I had the wrong body. I had a lot of psychotherapy for drug addiction, but was never able to talk about the secret I carried deep inside of me. If I would of been able to tell somebody in high school or better yet in grade school , I could of saved myself a lot of pain. It's never too late to get help. I'm older and just starting HRT. There is a lot of good people out there that will help. I carried my pain way to long. I'm so happy now that I'm on my way. Every day now I feel mentally and physically more me. Its a terrible feeling to see your self in the mirror and know its not right. I hope the best for you.

[JoanneB]

The ole I wish I could wake up in the morning.... prayer. Been trying that one since about the age of four. Still no luck with that after 50 years. I spent all those years trying to be a man living up the worlds expectations for me. Fairly successfully too. But the few times I can look at my reflection and more often reflecting on my life it is all not right, not me, not genuine.

I spent a good 30 years of my life trying to be "Normal". Only after a lot of scary achievements, gallons of tears, and some WTF else can I try? moments have I finally been able to feel sort of normal. After a lifetime of trying diversions, distractions, and some denial I decided to really take on the trans beast.

My first step was to reach out for some sort of support, which I found in a local TG support group. No matter what I knew, even experienced, about being TG did not prepare me for that first night of sitting in room full of others with stories and lives much as my own. By the third meeting I knew I needed to be there. Which led to complications like also needing to drop the T-bomb on my wife.

I am a firm believer in baby steps. Even still after 5 years of hard work I still am not sure what course is right for me. Most important was the slowly comming to accept myself for who I am. That alone brought forth many positive advances in my life. I have been able to achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. However that is just a percentage of the entire me. I constantly struggle with the question of a full-time transition. I also know I can't chuck it all and forget everything. To just ride things out for another few decades. I learned that doesn't work. I experienced joy. I am finally happy being in my skin.

[delyth ann]

I think I am going to look for a therapist with experience of dealing with people who have gender issues. They are probably going to be more understanding than the average run of the mill psychologist.
I am a little scared as to reactions of my family. Pretty much all of my family lives overseas. My grandparents are elderly and not in the best of health and I am scared that the shock could hurt them.
My family didn't ask for any of this
I feel guilty to be honest -ashamed. I feel as though I am a failure in some sort of way.
I know I need help. I wouldn't know where to start. I know I cant do this on my own. there is so much to consider. There's the medical aspects. There's the material, legal and social aspects. Would I be accepted as female by society? How do I stop 32 years of trying to live a certain way, and learn to start living as who I want to be?

[evecrook]

It's a hard decision. I've lived my life as a male. But my true self has always been there. At one time I put it all to rest or so I thought. For my self I really have no more choice than to transition. I've decided I have a right to be happy.

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Delyth Ann,
I have been full time for 16 months now. I live in the same town and work at the same job as I did before.
For over 50 years I tried to be a male and please my family before I began to figure out what was wrong with me.
I was married to a women for almost 40 year and raised 3 sons.

I feel guilty to be honest -ashamed. I feel as though I am a failure in some sort of way.
I know I need help. I wouldn't know where to start. I know I cant do this on my own. there is so much to consider. There's the medical aspects. There's the material, legal and social aspects. Would I be accepted as female by society? How do I stop 32 years of trying to live a certain way, and learn to start living as who I want to be?

Yes I felt guilty and in-fact most of my family tried to stop me by using guilt. It did cause me slow down and I regress for about a year.
That was the worst time of my life and I was suicidal.
At this point I am totally accepted but family, acquaintances, and coworker that may never see me as a women.
I can't say I don't care but it is there problem not mine.
What is important is I am happy.
Take one step at a time. Don't let what you think other want (expect) control you.
Hugs,
Jillieann

[JoanneB]

I feel guilty to be honest -ashamed. I feel as though I am a failure in some sort of way.
I know I need help. I wouldn't know where to start. I know I cant do this on my own. there is so much to consider. There's the medical aspects. There's the material, legal and social aspects. Would I be accepted as female by society? How do I stop 32 years of trying to live a certain way, and learn to start living as who I want to be?

You are not alone in feeling the way you do. Even after 5 years I am plagued by feelings of guilt over the strain this is on my wife. Just last month I cried for hours over feeling like a failure, a disappointment. What started it was being overwhelmed with the feeling that I want to, perhaps even need to transition to full-time. I always figured figured I could find some balance. Some way to bring together these two great aspects of myself without having to face up to my fears about transitioning plus all the potential losses.

So much of my self image is tied into my career, which to me is getting paid to do what I love. When my therapist and I were talking about this episode. she asked "What will be different if you transition?". The first thing to pop into my head was having to set the alarm to 4:30 so I'll have time to get dressed for work. Fifeteen-twenty minutes won't cut it any more, 60-90 is my usual in Joanne mode. After that I drew a blank. No much else (hopefully) will change. I still want to keep on doing what I do for a living. I still have bills to pay. A house. Pretty sure a wife. All my responsibilities and have-to's aren't going away.

Eventually it dawned on me. What will really change? I'd feel genuine, complete, happy. On top of feeling like me. Doing what a me does. Certainly my several years of living part-time will help smooth out some of the social edges, but there is always plenty more to learn in life.

[Ashey]

My family didn't ask for any of this

And neither did you! Just keep that in mind.

[Jillieann Rose]

 

My family didn't ask for any of this

And neither did you! Just keep that in mind.

So true.
Before I didn't like myself and I closed myself of from others. My neighbor, friend who is a counselor, said I seemed so sad and was alone.
In fact she thought I was a  manic depression until I started coming out. She works with some transgender people.
I didn't even know most of my neighbors.
Now people say I seem bubbly and happy most of the time.
I just seem to attract people.
You know I so love reach out to anyone and befriend them.
All that to say until you like yourself you can not truly share yourself with other.
Hugs,
Jillieann