Hello,
You can call me Alex, or Lex is fine.
I'm on the autism spectrum, so I often have a bit of trouble determining how something is meant, and will usually assume a literal meaning to things said to me, and miss most teasing. (if someone were to call me a rude name in jest, my assumption would be that it was in earnest until told otherwise.) That is the most that it ever affects my internet life, but I thought I'd post the warning anyway. It does not mean that I am going to be rude, which I never am on purpose.
It also means that I ramble on and on in posts, and for that I apologize in advance.
I'm in my late twenties and I'm...I don't know. I'm female-bodied, and somewhat uncertain of my gender. Actually, no, I'm not uncertain of my gender, just what to call it. English isn't my first language, and quite frankly I'm not sure what the word in my own language is either. Trans-something, I assume.
I'm male-minded, but I express either androgynous (cause without surgery I can't really pass with my structure) or female, though I do go through periods where I just can't do female without wanting to rage-hack my hair off and burn my feminine clothing. I'll usually soothe that by binding and packing in private for a few days/a week, and overcompensate a bit in my mannerisms.
Why do I do female at all, one might ask? Well, to be quite frank, most of the time, it is because it is what is expected of me, and I don't really feel like I'll ever be in a place where I can adequately judge the reactions of the people around me enough to transition safely. I also don't inhabit my body enough for the weirdness to get to me too often, so it doesn't seem that bad most of the time.
I think the people around me are good, reasonable people, buuuut my judgement in these matters is suspect. I might think people are okay with things, without that being the case at all, because I just can't determine what people are thinking/feeling unless I'm told. I am completely oblivious to peoples non-verbalized feelings/thoughts/opinions in my everyday life. It has led to negative situations that I really want to avoid repeating.
That leads to me having periods where I overcompensate a bit on the female side, frills and makeup and feeling ridiculously like I'm in very conservative drag, but at least I know this is what is expected of me. It isn't that I dislike femininity, and some of it is even comfortable, but I'd really like to only wear it when I am in a particular mood. It happens (rarely) that I wake up and feel like wearing something frilly and I don't really take that as a negative. Sometimes it is just more comfortable to slap on a bra rather than a binder. Of course not having a woman's chest would be better, but I have to work within what is possible for me.
Darn it, I'm not doing this right at all, am I?
...Hi! I'm Alex, or Lex is fine. Nice to meet you!
