Forget stealth, talk to them!! (the people in your life)

[Lesley_Roberta]

I am not yet willing to think anything great has happened, and I am not yet sure I have any reason to relax at all.

I might have been completely clued out to the truth, and I might still be missing too many pieces of the puzzle. But at least I have a few more pieces than I had before.

Stealth CAN kill you. Damn right I just said stealth might kill you. You might be hiding who you really are from the people that really need to know and it might come back to bite you. You might NEED to know how they feel, and it might end up horrible, but, it might already be horrible too.

Yeah you 'might' lose your wife or husband. Your family might dump you. Your work might dump you. But if they would do this to you, then they have already done it to you. Because if they would do it to you after knowing, then they were always those people, and you might as well get used to the idea they were never wanting you to begin with.

Those of you living in stealth, from people that would discard you if they knew, you are living a lie. It's a lie that could kill you. Because the depression that is eating at you, That IS killing you. And it is doing it slowly. And those people might have NOT left you, and you might have found the people that could have made the difference.

If it's going to happen, it has already happened.

The only time stealth is an option, is if you live is a ->-bleeped-<-ty little country that puts the TG at risk of being killed over it. And yes, there are ->-bleeped-<-ty places that clearly should be named, but I always get in trouble when I point fingers as if it is wrong to place blame where it belongs. So I won't name the places you have already heard about any way.

My wife and I. It has not been easy. Considering she wants a husband I can't be. I want my mail to read Mrs and Mrs. I want to be referred to as her wife and she my wife. I have likely posted a lot of comments I would not have posted, if I had seen some of her comments on a thread I read in the SOs section connected to troubles I have had with the inlaws. But I had long since thought she had not had any interest in communicating with anyone here. I was wrong on that.
I have no idea how much she reads of my thoughts here. She never talks much.

I have had to have some serious talks with her. Not having the talks is not an option. Doing nothing solves nothing.
And those of you in stealth, you are not accomplishing a damned thing.
You are hiding and putting your life at risk, and for what?
If they will leave you over it, then they really never wanted you for real to begin with.
Is living a lie that valuable to you?

I will never 'out' a person 'for their own good' of course.
But I can't support the notion.
Not unless you live in country X and the mob wants to kill you over it.
My heart goes out to people living in countries that despicable.

If I had maintained secrecy after realizing the truth of myself, I'd be dead right now. I wouldn't have been able to cope.
I am not sure I'd be alive either if everyone had dumped me.
I have no solution for that horrible eventuality.
Hey, people die, life sucks.
My number hasn't come up yet, and it isn't like life hasn't tried before.

But I sure wouldn't WANT to live pretending to be a man.
My remodeling is going annoyingly slow here. I need to get my ass in gear, call the damn doctor, find out about HRT and get started damn it.
The wife is not going to LIKE me becoming more female. But I am likely sucking the life out of her existence either way with my inability to cope with the problems that won't stop plaguing me from NOT being on HRT. If she is going to leave there's nothing I can do to stop that. If she's wanting to stay, well I can at least try everything in my power to make life the least annoying to her.

But is starts with talking. And if there is no talking, you can forget fixing anything too.
And if you never discuss it with anyone, you sure ain't going to find who your allies are.
My friend in Texas, a loooooong time friend, hell he was all set to send me to live with him and get my SRT done there as elective surgery on his dime. You would think I would jump at that I suppose. But I refuse to let myself be a burden, in addition to the fact, I simply don't want to be in the US that much. Yes I will actually sit and wait 2-3 years in Ontario Canada in refusing to go to the US.
But I would never know my long time buddy would do that, if I had never mentioned it eh.

How many allies have you discarded over time because you refused to talk about it, to stay hidden?

I don't know that I CAN go in May to my niece's wedding. I am fairly sure if I go, I will arrive in female clothing. Might even walk in the door wearing a skirt. I might tone it down at the wedding and wear something neutral and no statement. Then again, if I never ask, I never find out things. Wouldn't it be cool if my niece asked me to be a brides maid in addition to making her wedding cake like she already has asked.
My brother's oldest son, is right now, all over supporting me. Likely has been in their face about it in Ottawa. He's an outspoken young man. I'd never know this if he had never been told. He has gone from my thinking he is bitter and angry (a young lady made him an oops parent), too seeing him as a great kid, and someone who can take it for granted will always be able to ask his aunt for help if I can provide it.

You can't run from your life.
Tell them, take the effort and tell them and damn the consequences and get ready to tell any that need to be told to drop dead if they won't accept you. Be ready to embrace those that do.

I have come too close to too many horribly dangerous moments of severe stress brought out by lack of communication to think anything of stealth is of any value.

Sit people down, confront the challenge, tell them you are not what they think, tell them precisely who you are and make them realize, you want them in your life, you want them to want the real you in their life, that it isn't a negotiation, there is no bargaining, they accept you or they don't.
Then you can get on to doing the needed work to make your life correct.

It's what I am doing.
I plan to make the wife discuss things with me.
To say nothing means there is NO problem. Thus she MUST voice her troubles, or accept they are voided.
Saying nothing, not an option.
Doing nothing, not an option.
Stealth is not an option.

You don't need to move forward at beakneck speed, but, you DO need to move forward, and stealth is not moving forward.

[Devlyn]

Didn't even read your ramble, must you drag the image of the site down with thread titles like that?

[Evolving Beauty]

To each his own style...

[Lo]

Easy for you to say, as a binary...

[Batty/Nattie]

thank you! this is just what I needed to hear this morning and good luck.

[Beth Andrea]

Although I am very "out", I understand that some people cannot do this. Young people (under 18), who don't have full-time work yet...if their parents kick them out, yes they are bad parents, but in the meantime...we have another teen on the streets.

Then there are those who would be fired--and have kids and a spouse to think about...

Then there are those who cannot psychologically handle "living the truth" of their situation; coming out would be devastating to them.

Please don't judge or accuse others based on your experiences. Their path is different than yours, and needs to be respected as such.

imho

[Heather]

I think your just saying this about stealth because your still new to accepting your trans. Once you start living as yourself and how different people treat you when they know you'll be praying for stealth so don't knock it till you've been there.

[Joe.]

I understand that people who knew me before will know I'm trans and I will talk about it with them. However, I don't see the point in meeting new people and saying 'Hi I'm Joe, by the way, I'm trans'. Why is it any of their business what I have in my pants? Maybe that's just me.

[bethany]

I understand that people who knew me before will know I'm trans and I will talk about it with them. However, I don't see the point in meeting new people and saying 'Hi I'm Joe, by the way, I'm trans'. Why is it any of their business what I have in my pants? Maybe that's just me.

Perfectly said Joe.

[Beth Andrea]

I understand that people who knew me before will know I'm trans and I will talk about it with them. However, I don't see the point in meeting new people and saying 'Hi I'm Joe, by the way, I'm trans'. Why is it any of their business what I have in my pants? Maybe that's just me.

I like to share!

[ssneha23]

Leslie, your OP while obviously has tons of truth in it. I guess not everyone has a generic, cookie-cutter solution to coming. For some people, coming out maybe easy. But, for some, like me, coming out will be extremely difficult. Yes, I am in stealth, but just springing on my parents would probably kill them.

Yes at some point, I will have to face reality and let them know who I actually am. But, I will do it slowly and when I know the time is right. Another yes, I am living a lie, but have been doing so for the near 30 years of my life, I think I can manage another year or so with changes happening slowly, but steadily.

I cannot recall the term immediately, but in b-school I was taught that the best way to increase product prices is to do it without customers noticing the difference. I guess this is the same concept I am adopting with my family so as to gently, but surely, make them aware about me.

So, cutting through my ramble, I understand your words perfectly. But, I was taken a little aback with the 'on-your-face' attitude of the OP. I guess my rant here is to explain not everyone can be as upfront as you would expect them to be.

I am sorry if my post offends you in anyway. This was not my intention.

[Danielle Emmalee]

Are we talking about in the closet stealth or post transition stealth?

[Lesley_Roberta]

Sorry for the original thread title (I should have known better, no excuse).

Now to the topic.

Devlyn, I think you might want to give it a read, the title was dumb I will grant that, the topic though has merits.

Beth I'm not judging, or accusing, I am stating, that stealth is just as good at killing. How many take their lives just because they succumb to the pressure, pressure they should have been fighting with people, not alone.

Parents that are lousy, will be lousy already. I'd have gladly lived on the street, than live in a fake family.
I'd rather being unemployed, than living a fake life for a few bucks.

I get a bit tired listening to people talk about lousy families for zillions of reasons that have nothing at all to do with being TG. Hey TG are not the only people that suffer from lousy families. But until you know family will turf you, you are accusing them of something they haven't done.

Life isn't just about money. And after living like I have had to do, I am aware you can still get by even if you seem penniless. Hardly living the high life here. Life goes on, and just because you don't own a home and a car doesn't mean you have nothing.

I can't help anyone that can't even cope with the truth themselves of course. I am not a professional. If the person is still fighting their own battle for acceptance, they have bigger problems than whether anyone else wants them.

Heather, I wasn't 'out' yesterday. I've been 'out' for more than a year now. The only people that don't know, are either clueless beyond belief, or mean so little in my life, they are in too little of it to have seen any of it for more than a year. I've been living as me all along. I can't say it has been a long massive happiness, but, I can also say I'd have jack squat if I had said nothing.

I'm living proof you get nothing if you do nothing, and you get a great deal of support, if you go looking to find it.

I don't walk around with a flag though. Stealth is about hiding it from your family and friends and co workers. The strangers you walk past, they couldn't care less if you don't live to see the next day. They don't know you, they don't care if you are TG, a boring hetero, or anything else.

I'm not talking about what's in my pants either. I'm talking about the person in the body.

If no one knows you are in there, then you are not far off from also not existing. If tomorrow I were to drop dead, I'd be mourned, not the man people thought I was.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Orange, no I am talking about stealth, any stealth.

[Noah]

Best to speak of yourself and to your own expereince. Once I hear someone tell others what to do or explain what other people's actions mean - I stop listening. Don't project your opinion over others.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I know that I have troubles with the inlaws. To be clear though, I have never gotten more than the concerns of the sister in law speaking on her husband's behalf that might not even have a problem with it. An example of someone speaking on behalf of another and through my wife reporting it to me.

So it's all second hand. I don't much care for condemning someone for something as 3rd hand reporting though.

I have a friend that dropped me for an entirely different reason (and a dumb one at that), but I get it second hand from a buddy, that the other friend likely would have had troubles with my being TG and likely would have been a problem. But again, second hand information.

I have never once, in all the people I interact with, been treated negatively for my being TG.

I don't want to walk in anyone's shoes. I want them to walk in THEIR shoes though. I want to give the encouragement to do so.
I AM speaking of my own experiences.
I'd be dead if I was still in stealth, it WOULD have killed me. THAT is the point I am trying to make here.

And after a years worth of my being quite flagrant about it on my Facebook, and in person with people, and in public in general, if I was going to experience it at all, I sure would have had it happen. Life has hardly done me any favours as a whole in my life, but, in this one area, at least maybe I am merely disproportionately fortunate.

[Danielle Emmalee]

Is there any way we can use "in the closet" to mean in the closet, and "stealth" to mean post-transition stealth?  It can make discussions like this confusing.

[Jenna Marie]

The odd thing is, after a sufficient period of time it becomes a challenge to NOT be "stealth" to people - that is, to make sure everyone knows. I'm not making a PSA every time I meet someone. I don't make any effort to hide my past, but over 4 years post-transition and 3 years under this name, I absolutely have friends and coworkers (and possibly very distant family?) who have no idea. Because it seems weird and off-putting to introduce myself with this information, and then feels bizarre to randomly bring it up after I've known them for a while... so it just kind of lurks in my past, waiting for a moment when it's relevant.  I think the difference is that I don't feel like I'm living a lie or actively *keeping* a secret, any more than I'm concealing the fact that I used to have a different career or currently write fiction novels.

I have the same problem with being bisexual; people assume you're straight and cis unless told otherwise, but can get all funny about BEING told, so I just wait for a time when it seems natural to mention. If that doesn't happen? Oh well.

I also do agree that "stealth" has a pretty specific meaning, and it sounds like this conversation is more about being in the closet pre- or during transition.

[amZo]

I've never quite understood why there are such strong emotions about others being stealth or not. I imagine a lot of people in the process of transition feel a little abandoned by them? I think one drawback of stealth is the general public rarely gets to see the 'success' cases and thus those going thru the process appear like 'oddities'. I can certainly understand the decision to live stealth, people have to do what's right for them and their family and friends.

[Heather]

Heather, I wasn't 'out' yesterday. I've been 'out' for more than a year now. The only people that don't know, are either clueless beyond belief, or mean so little in my life, they are in too little of it to have seen any of it for more than a year. I've been living as me all along. I can't say it has been a long massive happiness, but, I can also say I'd have jack squat if I had said nothing.

Early on I was all about being out but that all changed the day I passed and was treated like a normal woman until they found out I was trans and they stopped treating me like a woman. It's like having everything you ever wanted ripped away from you and it hurts.
Now this isn't something you really hide hide from family but I'm sure not going to tell people who have no business knowing because unless I plan on sleeping with them it's not their problem and they don't need to know anything beyond that I'm just the woman I always was and my past is none of their business.