Learning to be a woman

[Tessa James]

Try acting like an Okapi, most people will not understand what you are doing, this will throw them off and help you understand that the only purpose of acting is trying to convince someone you are something you are not, but you remember what that was like though?
ok , humor aside, Pretty much what the other gals said. but I would add this, make friends with a FTM transgender guy, a frank conversation (lol, see what I did there) can help each of you explain the absurdity of overcompensation so you will realize when you are trying too hard. One of the things that we carry with is the over compensation, if you over compensated as a guy chances are you'll male fail your girl mode too.

I do try to be as graceful as any giraffe like animal but, seriously, I feel you make a great point Mercedes.  I previously worked overtime to act like something of a man and it seems little advantage to me to now work overtime or overcompensate on this journey to a personally congruent gender identity.  When well meaning advice about what I should act or look like gets too shrill I reply, "You are welcome to become the girl you want to be"   Feeling authentic is critical to me and I am very happy to have a unique look.  Diversity is an essential feature of evolutionary survival on this planet.

[suzifrommd]

the only purpose of acting is trying to convince someone you are something you are not

I understand what you're trying to say, but isn't so much social interaction, a form of acting, of putting on the face that you want people to see?

For me, I think getting the gestures and body movement to become natural, REALLY helped my passability.

[Mercédes]

I understand what you're trying to say, but isn't so much social interaction, a form of acting, of putting on the face that you want people to see?

For me, I think getting the gestures and body movement to become natural, REALLY helped my passability.

For me the face people see is my face, be that my actual face or my net presence, I don't try to say things. I say things. I don't try to pass, I either do or I don't. I gave up on image manipulation in favor of cultivating a true image. what people see is dependent/limited by their own minds. and I've found the energy I used to exert on consciously editing my own mannerisms was better spent on consciously emulating positive personality traits of people I respect and love, just so happens those people are predominantly women. And in that spectrum there are so many variants to narrow them down to the one quintessential woman archetype seems absurd to me.

[Robin Mack]

This has been the hardest lesson for me.  I'd repressed the woman within for so long, wearing a male persona like an ill-fitting suit until I couldn't take it anymore.  So, what did I do?  I overcompensated.  Instead of showing my real face to the world I worked hard (so hard) to study and learn and internalize mannerisms... so much so that my fiancee finally asked me, not too long ago, if transitioning was about becoming who I really am, then why was I working so hard to put on a show for the world to see?

It was a (really) hard lesson for me.  Since then I've been working on just being myself.  I still monitor myself, but now it's mainly for the little warning signals my "male" persona gives me.  If I notice I'm holding back from using hand gestures, I remind myself to let go.  If I notice I'm trying to hide, pose, or whatever, I do my best to interrupt it.  The funny thing is, the less I try to *act* female, the more I just *am* who I am, the more the world gets my gender right (and the more confused looks I get when presenting male, but that's another story )

I was talking to an old friend just last night, who was asking questions about my plans for transition.  At one point my old shell prodded me, saying, "Warning: your wrists are loose and you are gesturing too much!".  I was able to ignore that, but it did cue me to analyze more things about myself.  To my surprise, my eyebrows were slightly up, my eyes were slightly wider, and I was standing with one leg half bent and one hip out ever so slightly, a pose I have seen so many CIS women adopt.  It kind of blew me away.  And I wasn't even trying, I was just *being*.

It takes time, Mary, but you'll get there, just like I am. 

*hug*

[Mercédes]

This has been the hardest lesson for me.  I'd repressed the woman within for so long, wearing a male persona like an ill-fitting suit until I couldn't take it anymore.  So, what did I do?  I overcompensated.  Instead of showing my real face to the world I worked hard (so hard) to study and learn and internalize mannerisms... so much so that my fiancee finally asked me, not too long ago, if transitioning was about becoming who I really am, then why was I working so hard to put on a show for the world to see?
...

Ding, Ding, Ding! oh your words made me see my own predicament so much clearer. thank you!
I know what you are saying. And the hard part is making the connection between our current behavior and our past. I tended to overcompensate as a guy. my continual feelings of inadequacy and struggle with "getting it right" was tiring, and all along I felt that I was sabotaging myself. I was, or at least my stifled feminine side was. now the self sabotage comes from the other direction using the same technique, as if my feminine side learned bad survival techniques from my male facade. and my guy aspect starts sabotaging me when confronted, or scared.

Aurora, I am hoping you can see my responses to your question for what they are. just my solution, what has worked for me. I see my fellow trans sisters dealing with the very same problems, stemming from the same common root. Where we came from and where we are going, and what we chose to take with us and what we need to leave behind. And it's tough. but remember where you are going is your happy place, and that journey is supposed to be fun. And at some point you'll be so caught up in the fun you won't even notice you passed the turn off for happy, and you won't even care.
I wish you a safe and pleasant journey.

[FrancisAnn]

I'm not sure about myself? I've always been feminine in the way I speak, walk, sit, etc... it just seems normal I guess. My hardest part is acting all male if forced into the male mode.

However I sure need help on the best makers of purses, dresses, shoes, etc. I went shopping with a good woman friend last week & she knew the designer/tags on dresses so much better than I did. It was embarassing that I did not know many of the brand name dresses at all.

So I guess we always have a lot to learn.

   

[Robin Mack]

I'm not sure about myself? I've always been feminine in the way I speak, walk, sit, etc... it just seems normal I guess. My hardest part is acting all male if forced into the male mode.

However I sure need help on the best makers of purses, dresses, shoes, etc. I went shopping with a good woman friend last week & she knew the designer/tags on dresses so much better than I did. It was embarassing that I did not know many of the brand name dresses at all.

You have such a head start, girl-friend!  Having a CIS woman friend who is in on your transformation can be so incredibly helpful.  Just keep shopping with her; you'll pick up on things fast! 

And it's so encouraging to hear you are already ahead of the game with speech and mannerisms.  *hug* 

[FrancisAnn]

Robin,

Thank you, that was so sweet, however I have a long way to go to ever physically become a normal woman with a normal body/SRS.

Most women are very nice if you open up to them. They love to shop & most love having a new girl friend to talk with about life. I've always had lots of women friends that understand. We talk about life, shopping, men, sex & just everything normal for us woman.

Please have a very nice day GF.

[RobinGee]

I'm still hoping I can find a way to resolve my issues without having to adopt a female social role.

One if the crazy things I've noticed is the fact that I pretty much have a permanent scowl, and a super tightly furrowed brow.  I've stopped furrowing my brow and the world looks brighter, literally.

[eshaver]

This has been the hardest lesson for me.  I'd repressed the woman within for so long, wearing a male persona like an ill-fitting suit until I couldn't take it anymore.  So, what did I do?  I overcompensated.  Instead of showing my real face to the world I worked hard (so hard) to study and learn and internalize mannerisms... so much so that my fiancee finally asked me, not too long ago, if transitioning was about becoming who I really am, then why was I working so hard to put on a show for the world to see?

It was a (really) hard lesson for me.  Since then I've been working on just being myself.  I still monitor myself, but now it's mainly for the little warning signals my "male" persona gives me.  If I notice I'm holding back from using hand gestures, I remind myself to let go.  If I notice I'm trying to hide, pose, or whatever, I do my best to interrupt it.  The funny thing is, the less I try to *act* female, the more I just *am* who I am, the more the world gets my gender right (and the more confused looks I get when presenting male, but that's another story )





I was talking to an old friend just last night, who was asking questions about my plans for transition.  At one point my old shell prodded me, saying, "Warning: your wrists are loose and you are gesturing too much!".  I was able to ignore that, but it did cue me to analyze more things about myself.  To my surprise, my eyebrows were slightly up, my eyes were slightly wider, and I was standing with one leg half bent and one hip out ever so slightly, a pose I have seen so many CIS women adopt.  It kind of blew me away.  And I wasn't even trying, I was just *being*.

It takes time, Mary, but you'll get there, just like I am. 

*hug*

Robin, you make some great points !

I got to thinking and I'm still a young student . Alas, i'll be 64 in December . I came up in a time when transgender people were routinely locked up in Mental institutions and administered Electro Shock Therapy. I nearly was a subject myself . had I not been quick on my feet having the "JUS RIGHT " answers , I probably would have too.

I mimic what some women call Business attire . I observe women all the time and do my best to find a comfortable combination of posture and mannerisms . Several who know me have tried to help for which I'll be eternally grateful . ellen