I need to get this off my chest...

[Stardiver]

I registered here because I don't have anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking to yet about this. Sorry if it seems a little ranty, my thoughts are somewhat disorganized.

I am in my late teens and was "born female." However, for a long time I have always felt dissatisfied and disassociated from my body. It's not that I'm nervous about my weight or anything, and I think that my body is pretty as a woman's body, but it just doesn't feel like my body. I thought this was typical for everyone so I never thought much of it even though it made me feel vaguely miserable. Sometimes I like to imagine my body as much more masculine and it just feels right. At some point I realized that I wished for people to perceive me as male, but I didn't know what gender I felt inside.

However, I have noticed that these symptoms escalate even more when I approach my period. Right now I am about a week away and it is almost unbearable. I feel like crying. I really hate my body during this "time of the month" and I wish I was born without a uterus because the feeling is just NOT GOOD. I always felt that it was some kind of tokophobia (fear of pregnancy/childbirth), since everything about the process feels revolting to me on a such a deep and visceral level. Getting pregnant is probably my worst fear. Not many things make me want to throw up, but the female reproductive process is one of them.

Last year in school I had a very tough time dealing with depression all the time, so I had to stay home a lot because I was having too much trouble getting through the day without having a meltdown. This year my depression has mostly been dealt with, but with the general malaise gone I have also been able to notice that it escalates considerably around the time of my period. My mother (who is lovely and super-accepting) actually noticed this before I did. I do not keep a calendar of my periods but I can tell with perfect accuracy about a week in advance when they are going to happen, purely by the change in mood. I realize that many  people also feel very emotional when they are approaching their period to varying degrees, but I'm pretty sure wanting to rip your uterus out and is a little extreme, even for those with extreme PMS. One day I was about to get my period (I think it was the day before) and my mom was driving me to school. I was really anxious and nervous that day and finally I couldn't control my emotions and broke down crying in the car. My mom pulled over and tried to help me feel better. She asked what was wrong and I told her that I couldn't stand the thought of having to go through periods for the rest of my life, and confessed to her that I loathe that particular part of my anatomy. She paused a moment and asked, "Is it that you don't want to be a woman?" I was so shocked by the question and didn't know how to respond. I had never told her about my secret fascination with having a more masculine presentation, and I had never considered myself transgender before. It was a little disconcerting to hear that that was the first thing that popped into her mind. Just to make sure, I asked her what she meant by that, and she did clarify that yes, she did mean to ask me if I was transgender. I told her that I didn't know whether I was or not. She said that was okay, she didn't think I was but that I should feel comfortable talking about those things with her.

Thus began my frantic internet search for answers. I remember stumbling across a collection of trans people describing what their gender dysphoria felt like, and when I read other people's stories about how they combed their hair back in the mirror looking for a glimpse of "maleness," or when they tried to bind their breasts with a towel when they got out of the shower, in a flash I realized that I did those exact same things. They definitely did a better job of articulating what I was feeling. Now I am wondering if what I am experiencing is gender dysphoria.

In retrospect, a lot of the things in my early childhood start to make more sense. I distinctly remember only wanting to play with boys and "boy toys," but they excluded me and I didn't understand why. I also went through a very long phase in elementary school where I refused to wear skirts or dresses. I don't remember why I eventually started wearing them. I think they are aesthetically pleasing but not as comfortable on me as my more "masculine" clothes. I have a red blazer that used to belong to my mother (so it fits my cut) but is also good at generally "flattening" my body. One morning I wore it for a presentation at school, and I combed my hair back, looked in the mirror, and was just like, "Damn, I look way more androgynous/masculine today." And it was a good thing. Looking at myself from the mid-waist up, I felt a lot better about myself.

I am currently out as bisexual to my mom and one of my uncles. My dad and I have a troublesome relationship and I don't know how he'd react, so I want to leave him out of it. I also have a younger brother, and I am 90% sure he will be as accepting as my mom is. (He was raised well.) I just don't know when to tell him. Given the mess that high school is, I did make a vow to myself not to come out to anyone outside my family until I was in college and safely far away from all that bull.

Anyway, thanks for giving lots of people (including me) a place to let things off their chest. If the mods want to move this, please go ahead.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Hey stardriver.

I know PRECISELY how you feel.

My route to getting there is different, but it is the exact same feeling of annoyance you experience.

You hate the body when it makes it so obvious in it's designed in way it is what it is and not what you wish it was.

Once a month you get slapped around by the oh so female experience of menstruation. Everything about the experience is utterly female. The reminder you can't really ignore it. You can't NOT wear some form of pad. And guys don't need pads.

In my case, it is not once a month, it's every morning. I wake up and I wake up with the cliche male problem. Men wake up and immediately want to screw something. Well not all of us I suppose, but it won't be easy finding a crowd of men that don't.
And I find it offensive, and intrusive and ignoring it is nearly impossible. I'd rather cope with a whiny child.
And the male sex act, well I find it so utterly MALE.

I am told HRT makes it shrink and unable to perform. And I can't wait. I want to wake up, and not have an erection that won't stop yelling in my head to make it do it's thing. I just want to wake, and do whatever it is my day involves and no constant reminder I have a penis that needs attention.

There are a lot of people here though you can chat with, that will have had to deal with precisely what you cope with.

The FTM crowd likely has more answers than you have questions.

[FTMDiaries]

Hi, and welcome from a member of the FtM crowd! 

From your initial posts you clearly have some valid questions about your gender... but you also have something very, very precious: a supportive mother.

Sadly, nobody on an Internet forum can give you an instant answer the question you really want answered: "Am I really trans*?". We can advise you by answering questions and pointing you towards useful resources, but the best way forward is to ask your mother to arrange an appointment with a Gender Therapist near to you, so that you can explore this in confidence with a professional. There's a list of therapists here: https://www.susans.org/Healthcare/Therapists_and_Counselors/

I will say, though, that not all transpeople go all the way towards full transition. There are as many ways to be trans* as there are to be human, so whilst some of us (like me) go the whole hog with hormones & surgeries, others find that simply dressing more appropriately or making other changes in their lives is sufficient. It's very much a personal journey, and no two journeys are exactly the same. You will also find that some of us knew we had gender issues from a very early age but others figure it out later in life. A lot of us hate our periods, some don't particularly mind them. It's all good.

It's also a very long journey: in most cases it takes several years from first discovering that you're trans*, to completing a medical transition (if you so choose). But the first step is to seek out a good Gender Therapist so that you can figure out a) whether you're trans, and b) what you'd like to do about it, if anything.

So by all means, ask more questions here, read through the information on this site to see if any of it helps you, but please ask your wonderful mother to send you for counselling so that you can find the right answers for yourself.

[spacerace]

My mom pulled over and tried to help me feel better. She asked what was wrong and I told her that I couldn't stand the thought of having to go through periods for the rest of my life, and confessed to her that I loathe that particular part of my anatomy. She paused a moment and asked, "Is it that you don't want to be a woman?" I was so shocked by the question and didn't know how to respond. I had never told her about my secret fascination with having a more masculine presentation, and I had never considered myself transgender before. It was a little disconcerting to hear that that was the first thing that popped into her mind. Just to make sure, I asked her what she meant by that, and she did clarify that yes, she did mean to ask me if I was transgender. I told her that I didn't know whether I was or not. She said that was okay, she didn't think I was but that I should feel comfortable talking about those things with her.

Your Mom seems to know you better than you know yourself in some ways. She clearly saw this coming. Lots of girls hate their period - for her to make that leap as the first reaction, she has given you and your gender substantial consideration - and she didn't freak out. at least yet. This is very good for you in terms of what your options are to try and figure out how you feel. Like FTMDiaries said, you could talk to her about going to therapy so you can continue to work this stuff out for yourself, so you can know what, if anything, you want to do after graduating. If you don't want to do therapy, you can do things like write down how you feel and continue to read about being trans to decide on a path for yourself.

She said that "she didn't think you were," but that could just be her wanting to make sure she did not influence your decision. She also could still just be a bit hesitant about all of this -which would be normal. She clearly thinks you might be, and it seems like you really think you might be as well.

Don't rush into anything of course - but at least your Mom saved you from the major stress and anxiety that can be part of talking to parents about it by bringing it up in conversation first. You're a step ahead.

[Stardiver]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I do want to bring it up to her at some point. But right now there's just so many emotions swirling around and it feels like something I've been suppressing all my life is finally coming into consciousness, and it's really strange and a little scary.