Back on Wednesday I had a pretty heavy session with my gender therapist. I just laid out my heart and finally told here everything that has been going on with me in my years since high school. I'm happy that after 13 months I was able to trust her enough and overcame my own personal anxiety to finally open up. I can't say it was easy at all since I began realizing that I have social anxiety and have problems being honest about myself. I learned that I have a lot of social anxiety that I have been dealing with for years, so much so that it prevents me from getting help in school to finding a job. It has also been detrimental to my transition as of late as I've been too scared to simply go out in my girl clothes. I am also going to be tested by her for ADD because after mentioning about my inattentiveness and procrastination to many things she believes I may have had it undiagnosed for years. Though unfortunately I'm still scared to tell her that I have been off my anti-depressants and have stopped seeing my psychiatrist, I have multiple reasons for doing so which I do not want to go into detail and I am doing much better than I have been in years with my depression.
I hope that with these revelations and finally feeling comfortable enough to really open up to my therapist. I really hope I can heal and overcome my anxiety so that I can live a fulfilling life. I hope that by April I can begin my real life experience and live fully as myself. It's been a really tough year mentally, I don't think I was or ever really would have been ready so I did what I had to and take the jump off the diving board or cliff or plane or whatever. I'm happy to be able to have this opportunity to transition and I consider myself very lucky to have very accepting parents, even if they can barely comprehend or understand my situation and insurance that provides my medications for a total of $15 dollars for my estrogen, progesterone and spironolactone and full coverage for my SRS. Looking on the positive side of things I am much more comfortable with my own gender and sexuality than I have ever been, I'm starting to feel more authentic in body and mind and my body is finally really starting to develop more femininely since mid summer when my dose was upped and I switched to shots. I hope to continue to progress good and so I can put my past behind.
