the wicked me

[YBtheOutlaw]

as i didn't have much of obvious dysphoria until i was 13, i was rigorously raking my clogged memory of childhood trying to dig up hints of GD, and i came up with some bad things i had done to myself i dont want to talk about, but consciously forgotten over the years.
it also turned out that i have other mental conditions as well, maladaptive daydreaming disorder for instance. apart from the normal daydreams, i've had these torturing daydreams since i was at least 8. you know what daydreams are like for MDD people. i had various wicked daydreams, in some me torturing someone and in some me getting tortured. i enjoyed them. as i grew up i found them quite arousing. i had got rid of them during the denial phase of dysphoria and forgotten about them. but now that i came up with it i can't stop having such thoughts. i had even gone into selfbonding when i was very young. i always liked the idea of being tied up, and still do! oh the wicked me! is GD responsible for all this? is this how little me dealt with GD?

[YBtheOutlaw]

sorry if my post sounds lumpy, i'm trying to keep my posts as concised as possible cos my phone allows only 1024 characters per document. there's a lot more i need to tell.
it's not just daydreams, i've always had a passion for torment. i don't like it and want to get rid of it, but it's stuck there like a chewing gum.
i've never dreamt of bloodsheds though, probably bcos i'm a bit haemophobic. but there would be a lot of tying up, being caged, and beating. as i grew up the person getting tortured had lesser and lesser clothes on them.
i also liked seeing a teacher beat up a child. it brought me some wicked happiness. i liked reading stories where the hero would be tied up and helpless.
i just feel so evil. i'm not that kind of a person out in public. and mind you, i was never physically tormented in my childhood.
there's so much more i want to tell and i'm out of characters again. i'm growing a self disgust with all these memories and i think i'm falling back into that dark pit of torture i crawled out of.

[Ashey]

As long as you aren't harming anyone (at least without their consent) then I don't see that it's such a bad thing. I'm into BDSM and numerous other fetishes that might make you blush, scowl, or cringe so I can relate to having that 'dark side'. I also think that it could have a tie to being TG but, it's all complicated stuff and I'm not a licensed therapist, psychologist, or anything really lol. From my personal experience, it's more clear-cut to me because I'm submissive and like to be captured and restrained. I'm also MtF, and y'know, women are 'weak and submissive'. It feels sexist but I think there's a correlation between my submissiveness (as a child and an adult) and being trans.

I wouldn't worry about it much though, unless it's causing you or anyone else problems or harm.

[YBtheOutlaw]

i don't think i'd harm anyone ever. i got to know that stuff like BDSM actually exist just yesterday. it's the fact that these feelings started when i was really young that is bothering me. my memory is boggy alright, but there are some clearcut memories i'll never forget. i was playing with the kids around the village, i was not older than 8. there was this older girl who used to plan our play, and that day she came up with a play i don't really remember now, but there was a part where the older girls held the younger ones in captivity and faked beating them up. i clearly remember finding some wicked pleasure in that play.
it feels like one more person cramped up inside my body, alongwith the shy anxious and dysphoric female, the cool outgoing and dominating male, the senseless daydreamer and the wise judge. the first two are what the world sees, and the second is what i prefer. i need to kill the other four, or keep the judge maybe, or the daydreamer. my mind is way complex than what i thouht it was.

[Lo]

A lot of BDSM practitioners will tell you that their fascination with the whole thing started when they were very young. Playing cops and robbers and tying someone up or being tied up is a common experience.

I don't have many play memories associated with my masochism, but looking back it was VERY obvious that I was a masochist from a very early age and submissive. I found myself involved with a lot of abusive and sadistic personalities throughout my public school experience. Getting into fights because I enjoyed getting beat up on some level was also a really bad habit.

To me, being submissive is the closest I can get to being truly acknowledged as having no gender, like a beloved pet or a non-breeding farm animal. Masochism is the same-- pain is the most universal and basic feeling that any person can experience. The pain of a bruise feels the same no matter what kind of human being you are.

You're not messed up, and you're DEFINITELY not alone. Go read up on BDSM culture, maybe go to a munch in your area (a gathering of kinky folk in a benign and public setting like a diner). Eventually, you might find yourself with an excited and willing play partner for you to finally live out some of your fantasies with. If you've gotten off on the idea of doing it to someone, odds are someone's gotten off on the idea of it being done to them. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the subculture.