Cut and pasted from another post where it seemed out of place. I still wanted it to be somewhere, though.
Moving on to less... ... things, we have a "Being a better person" seminar, as our instructor called it, in school tomorrow - essentially, about depression. Oh, joys of all joys, trigger of all triggers. I'd like to find a way to opt out of it - and ideas swim in my mind right now - but doubt I'll be able to without calling unwanted attention to myself, which I definitely won't be able to handle well at the moment, as easily thrown as I've been lately.
The last one we had - slightly related, about resiliency - ended with a pass to go to the clinic after our teacher made the connection that yes, we could actually finish all of these courses and learn them well - better, actually, for me, and out of experience - in a month or so, and why they're being drawn out is to test our ability to handle the workloads. This is a test I'm very clearly failing, which to some extent is breaking me down, despite probably being able to do this better at any other point in my life, if only the rest of it wasn't ever so slightly dependent on my doing well in these classes, with this tests, with all this other crap going on. It's immensely unfair, but life isn't fair, and clearly so many others have passed this test before me - so what the hell is wrong with me that I can't? If I could, I would switch into online classes, or take all those I could over the summer to get out of what's bringing me down the most - and any of these I could get A's on easily if they weren't spread out through the course of a year. This no longer measures my ability to learn and receive information, it measures my ability to tough things out and stretch myself past capacities I shouldn't have to reach to get information I could otherwise learn perfectly well and much more thoroughly in a fraction of the time. And I'm being judged on this ability to determine my ability to achieve things later in life, despite the pure inefficiency of the system (at least inefficient for me, because apparently it's easy enough for normal folks) I'm forced to take part in, while I could be learning and advancing so very, very, very much farther on my own.
This-- When I was first opened up to this, I felt enraged and depressed, so much more than I usually could. The more I think about it, the more this system makes sense, and the more absolutely convoluted and twisted it seems. How is one supposed to change that? It's designed to work for and test all the wrong things, which wouldn't matter nearly as much if it were resolved to a more efficient, practical method. I could rationalize, as I'd been doing, that what we're learning was to merely cover bases before specializing education and to fit it into an understandable timeline, but with this grand revelation the security in that falls apart. I don't know how to adapt to it because I'd never been taught to try to do this - however much I try, I cannot seem to wrap my head around the idea that our recall of information matters to our grades matters to our future, while our "resiliency" for the schedules is what's actually being tested, but through a near-irrelevant variable, and all the while it still manages to be perfectly reasonable a means of testing resiliency, and thus measuring potential for success later in life (this I concede as purely emotional success; I get to see it as counter-productive because that is its effect on me, personally). I know I need to think on this more, but again - the more I do so, the more this seems like its design was backwards. Shouldn't we be measuring progress in achievement on its own, unhindered (which is isn't now, and never would be, at least until college passes, if not ever), rather than one's abilities to bounce back and drag forward after being slapped with a years' worth of grades and classes that could each be covered thoroughly in a month, all of which have a place in determining your potential for future success while you can do next to nothing to redeem those years if you messed up, and in fact could have done infinitely better at a different time, place, emotional state, etc.? But hell, all of those factors don't stop existing past school, but even then you're still being judged on these past occurrences.
*Sigh* I know I'm not getting this, and I don't want to see it. I've always valued a person's ability to learn and expand on that learning instead of the ability to move through trials where they have been intentionally created. The entire design seems inefficient, not measuring or promoting the right thing. Admittedly, if it's not already quite clear, this "test" has been beating me back for years and I'm flummoxed at its existence after believing something else for so long, and as to why I can't get out of it if it's clearly not practical for me, being the self-defeating person I am. This clearly isn't for me; I'm being broken apart before I have a chance to do anything against it.
I end up hating myself even more; my plans are very much reliant on this system to educate myself about certain topics with resources I likely wouldn't have in an online class, and that small thing is preventing me from opposing it altogether, regardless of where opposing it gets me.
**Cough** Second post in a day on here, I'll try to stop spamming the ARGHHH! section. It's hardly appropriate anyway - I find I've been getting less and less able to feel things for a substantial amount of time after the first offensive event has occurred. More than likely due to me dissociating, but still.
Anyhow, if there's anything to be gotten past the angst, feel free to get it.
