Lucky yet depressed

[Kade1985]

I dunno I feel the need to just... say stuff right now.

Lately I've had some stress... Let me correct that.. Had a lot of stress. I've felt like I'm stuck in this circle that's never going to get anywhere and I've fallen behind in half my classes, been depressed, anxious, and like there's just no end to this and like I'm stuck. Just... stuck. I can't really afford to do a transition, and even if I could, my mother still won't accept it and I know I can't force it onto her... But it's just getting to me so bad.

But I guess I have to say that I know I am also lucky to a degree. I mean I have great friends who are supportive of me, and I've connected with other transpeople who are helping me out best they can, and I just recently came out to one of my teachers at school because I didn't know what more to do and I feel so lost and he's going to try and help me out as well. So I mean I know I'm lucky in these things but I still feel stuck.

If I wanted to transition right now I'd have to drop school and I don't want to... I'd be stuck with mediocre jobs again and struggling just to pay rent and feed myself forget about hormone treatment. I don't know... I guess I needed to air stuff out.

I also need to say stuff so that I can realize how lucky I really am in the fact I have all this support outside of my family and it's great... But some days it's still tempting to say screw it all and give up...

/endrant

[ThatTallGirl]

Hello Jerred.

I recently was in almost the same situation you are in right now. When I was in college, I felt trapped also because of money issues. I ended up not finishing my classes and dropped out after my first year because I was terrified of the thoughts that were in my head. I have old fashioned parents of whom are in their 60's, and although I have not came out to them yet, I am pretty sure that they will be supportive. I feel bad for the parents who can't accept who their children are, it is the parents job to love. Actually, its not even their job, they are just supposed to be huge conglomerations of love itself, unjudgemental love. But we all know how unrealistic that is.

On that note, you shouldn't let your mother stop you from being you. It isn't her life, it is yours. If she can not see that simple fact, or come to terms about who her child really is, then I feel sorry for her.

Transition in itself does not happen over night. Take the baby steps, and one day you will see that you are getting closer and closer to your destination, just keep in mind of who you really are and don't let anyone get you down, no matter what is ahead of you.

That being said, I can understand being afraid to move forward because of lack of money, right now I am in between jobs and I am scrambling to find another one so I can go to therapy... and pay rent and junk...

[Kade1985]

On that note, you shouldn't let your mother stop you from being you. It isn't her life, it is yours. If she can not see that simple fact, or come to terms about who her child really is, then I feel sorry for her.

Well sadly she can get away with it because I live in her basement.... And I'd have nowhere to go if she decided to kick me out, which she nearly did when I first said something.

[ThatTallGirl]

As you may already know, there are some things that you can do in your transition that can be done with no one knowing about it. Just start doing the little stuff now and when you are able to get out on your own you will be happy you started early, no matter how little the step.

You may live with your mother now, but you wont forever. It is very difficult to run from being transgendered.

[Kade1985]

As you may already know, there are some things that you can do in your transition that can be done with no one knowing about it. Just start doing the little stuff now and when you are able to get out on your own you will be happy you started early, no matter how little the step.

You may live with your mother now, but you wont forever. It is very difficult to run from being transgendered.

Thanks. I do do the little things currently. I go by Kade at school and with my friends, my friends use male pronouns.. I wear a chest binder and all those other sorts of things. I think I ran out of little things I can do right now. It's just rough

[Natkat]

I think you are in one of the hardest position on being transgender.

that your mind is ready but not your situation. I been in somehow simular situaiton.
I still live at home with little amount of money, current my mom is accepting but she havent always been so.
I think its important you have a sort of safespace whenever its your room our outside at a club or lgbt center where you can just be yourself.
another thing I generally advice is to keep focusing and make some plans for yourself how to use the time. maybe you can use the time you got now to figure out what to do with the future for exemple.
-
if you got an option to travel abord it could also be a good idea to go somewhere where your famely arn't and where you can express yourself more freely without worrying about them knowing.

[Kade1985]

Now I just feel the need to explode and be like.. I don't care what ANYONE thinks I am a dude, cry me a river, build a bridge and get the eff over it. This is just getting so on my nerves. All the "she" and "her" and crap is like hearing someone raking their nails across a chalkboard to my ears right now. I am not a her I am a he... despite physical appearances (and no matter how hard I try to cover that).

I mean uhg.. Mom be damned I just want to feel free for two minutes...