Another failed transition relationship

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Hey hey,

So I got dumped because of my gender change. He supported me before and said nothing would change his love for me, but then he obviously changed his mind. Now we are split, my financial situation is also really dire and any FFS that was planned before is off the table too, so triple blow.

He asked me if I could de-transition and said he would marry me immediately if I did, but transition seems to be like a ratchet for me; I can't bring myself to go backwards on the transition timeline, not even a tiny bit. I think I would end up resenting him if I did. I don't think I will be able to do that, mentally... I don't think I have the strength. 

Its another cost added to my transition bill then. I will mark it just above the loss of my parents, brother, friends, blah, blah, blah. The cost keeps on rising and hasn't stopped. I do question if I can make it, the pain seems to rise and rise and my support goes down and down. I find myself asking if I can make it whichever way. I really hope it gets easier, but I have a strong feeling that the opposite will be true.

Whatever huh. Here we go, sliding down the razor-blade of life.

Akira x

[Lauren5]

Poor Akira.
As is said in French, and I think sounds best in said language, "Tout va bien en temps" all goes well in time. You'll finda way to pay, you'll find someone who loves you for you, life will be sweet. Just believe that you can

[Beth Andrea]

*hugs*

Even as one loses supports...always remember:



Stay strong! Have hope! One day at a time!

*hugs*

[Sammy]

Que Sera, Sera, hon! If he only loved You because of... he was not really worth it and as You said Yourself, this relationship had no future... It is a pity that saying those words to Yourself wont cure a broken heart. And it is a triply pity that our transition must be so costly in all terms and the most expensive part is, unfortunately, not the finances...

Be safe and be strong! You will find Your prince charming one day. Or he will find You!

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Thanks people. I think though I have given up on relationships. If I can get past this, then I might date very casually just for socialising, but I absolutely don't want to add anymore to the army of exes and heartbreaks. It just leaves you not knowing where you are going. I feel like life is really disorientating. I feel metaphorically dizzy and have done for a long time. In fact I can't remember if I have ever had a clear head. 

I suppose I need to stay by myself and settle. It will mean sinking and sinking, but logically I will reach a point that I level out and don't sink anymore and hopefully it will be somewhere I can cope with and maybe build up from by myself.

[Heather]

I'm really sorry Akira but any man that would ask you to be someone else for his selfish purposes is so not worth your time or your effort. You'll find a better man someday girl don't give up on relationships just yet your way to young to be doing that.

[evecrook]

this planet is over populated with people of all different shapes and sizes. You just have to take care of your self so when opportunity arises you'll be ready.

[Robin Mack]

FFS or not, you are beautiful.  The inner woman in you is blossoming, which is no doubt why your boyfriend cannot be with you anymore.  Unfortunately sexual orientation can be truly fixed... it is, however, a testament to your womanhood.  I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

I think that you are wise in taking a break from relationships... I know it may seem you are done forever (it did for me, after my divorce), but I am certain you have happy relationships in your future, relationships that start with you being a woman through-and-through, without the added stress of transition and confusion for your partner over orientation. 

In the meanwhile, the changes in you are obvious (I've been following your posts for a while, I'm such a stalker!)... and you (the real you, free now) are going to have a lot of adjustments in how you react to the world and how it reacts to you.  I imagine it feels a whole lot like the world has turned upside down.  Now is the time to be free, unhindered as you explore what freedom really means! 

I know it is scary, but now you have no one to tell you how to spend your time, no one to check in with for plans and things.  You are free to go out to a party with the girls, or let someone buy you drinks, to flirt with abandon, to stay up all night dancing or writing poetry or singing.  You can change your plans on a whim.  So do it!    Celebrate your freedom to just be *you* and figure out what that means.

It took me a while to realize I could do the same after my divorce... months passed before I began to stretch my wings and build a social network independent of my ex, but I did, eventually, and started on my path toward living again.  Please do get out and build a network of CIS-woman friends... if you don't have a hobby, find one!  There are a number that cost nothing, especially if you enjoy reading or the outdoors.  *hug*  You can get through this!

You are a beautiful woman, and I am proud to know at least a little bit of you.  *hug*

[Ms Grace]

So he was happy to be your guy up until you became too feminine? Correct me if I'm wrong but that's how I read it. That would mean he really wants a homosexual relationship not a heterosexual one? Is he bi, straight or gay or confused? Regardless it sounds very traumatic for you. Hard for me to know but it sure seems like he has pretty much no regard for how you feel in all of this otherwise he wouldn't be making that kind of demand/request. Some men are just very controlling that way in relationships. I really hope you can find another guy, one who respects you for who you are not for what he wants you to be.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Thank you so much for your kind words :-)

I appreciate your point  Robin, about looking forward to freedoms. We split up because he doesn't know if he wants me anymore and has felt like that for a good while. Its kinda hard to start getting over it, or looking forward to anything, when I am still waiting to hear from him, whether he will want me back. My feeling is that, even if he does, it won't be long until that feeling comes back again though, anyway.

We were in a gay relationship before. He thought we could carry on as he loved me and was attracted to me. That hasn't changed according to him, but now he finds my more openly feminine personality irritating. He did mention that I spoke too much about my issues with my appearance. I kinda thought it was right to share my dysphoric thoughts with him sometimes, so he knew what was on my mind, but I suppose it is not a nice burden for a partner to bare. Upsetting, but life is, huh? I thought that might be a good thing, as, at least he is still attracted to me. I suppose it isn't really though.

He is not showing no regard for me in asking that [for me to detransition] , it's just people don't properly think it through, as its not something they can really understand. I suppose they think - 'well you did it before, so you could do it again if you wanted to'. To a person in that position, it might seem logical. I obviously can't change though, anymore than he would change gender if I asked him to. He is a good guy though.

I suppose I find his position and his reasoning a little hard to understand, but I am very much guessing he would say the same about me.

Thanks again everyone.

Akira x

[TerriT]

Hang in there babe. I'll follow up when I have a little more time. Just take care of yourself.

[Gabrielle]

Thanks people. I think though I have given up on relationships. If I can get past this, then I might date very casually just for socialising, but I absolutely don't want to add anymore to the army of exes and heartbreaks. It just leaves you not knowing where you are going. I feel like life is really disorientating. I feel metaphorically dizzy and have done for a long time. In fact I can't remember if I have ever had a clear head. 

I suppose I need to stay by myself and settle. It will mean sinking and sinking, but logically I will reach a point that I level out and don't sink anymore and hopefully it will be somewhere I can cope with and maybe build up from by myself.

Listen, hon, don't give up.  There is an old saying that it is darkest before the new day breaks.  That new day will dawn for you too.