So one of the things that I struggle with, which my therapist has been quick to point out, is that I have always had this need for certainty before making my next move. I remember back when I came out as gay when I was 12 I had actually come out as bi the year previously. I came out of bi not because I was scared of saying I was gay but because I wasn't certain that I wasn't sexually attracted to women. Then one day I was with friends and we were playing truth or dare. At one point I was dared to kiss a girl, I did and I was a bit grossed out. I remember thinking how her tongue felt like an octopus squirming around in my mouth. Then later on in the game I was dared to kiss a boy. When I kissed him it was like, boom, sparks. Literally that same night after getting clear definitive confirmation I went, nope guess I'm gay (this was before I knew what trans was or that there was a word to describe the cross-gender feelings I had on top of it.)
Now extending this habit to today, while I know for sure and have accepted that I am absolutely definitely trans, I still struggle with uncertainty on whether or not transition is the right choice for me. My therapist has pointed out my need for certainty and how that has hung me up. He keeps on saying how unfortunately there is no magical formula in which we can know with absolute certainty that transition is the right choice. You just have to put one foot in front of the other and take steps towards it and be in tune with how you feel with each step. When I truly do a bit of soul searching, I do go, 'yes, I am a woman and I need to fix this' but then anxiety sets in.
When I get freaked out about whether I should transition or not as my first appointment to get HRT approaches I just keep on reminding myself, I feel out of control in the status quo. I feel depressed, anxious, and incredibly dysphoric in the status quo. I have insomnia and wake up in the middle of the night wanting to scream and crawl out of my skin in the status quo. I feel like the world is spinning away from me in the status quo and that I'm slowly but surely losing myself. When I first called and made the appointment for HRT I was so happy and excited. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was seizing back control of my life from this gender dysphoria that has consumed it.
So I just keep on reminding myself, I cannot go back to the status quo because I don't know how much longer I'd last if I did, and while I don't know with certainty that I'm making the right choice by pursuing transition just the thought that starting HRT is on the horizon gives me a tremendous sense of relief. It's like I can see the light at the end of a very very dark testosterone clouded tunnel. So those feelings in this moment certainly count for something and tell me that I must be at least moving in the right direction. And when I think of my anxieties about uncertainty vs the current status quo I realize, I'll take the uncertainty. On top of that I go, HRT will be like when I first kissed a boy. I think I'll have certainty very quickly once I start and can see how I feel.
Anyone else deal with this sorta stuff?
