Conflating gender identity and sexual orientation

[Paulagirl]

Here's one more to throw into the mix.
Despite knowing I was trans from an early age, for many years I thought that thru emulating men, I would eventually get the hang of it, and fix myself. All the while knowing I was a girl, I did guy things, dated, and tried to push my real gender out of my head.
Three failed marriages. Women liked that I was gentle, but sensed my dysphoria. I was really bad at sex with women. No matter what I did, my brain kept shouting 'I should be the one with my legs in the air!!' I had a few gay flings, figuring that I was taking a more female (bottom) role, and that might fix things. Instead, I just became a guy in a homosexual relationship, still a far cry from a woman in a hetero relationship. Conflicted became my mantra.
Ironically, years of cross dressing, two years full time as a woman, and six months HRT- I still don't know how, with whom, or even if, I will ever have sex, much less, deeply satisfying sex. I will have SRS, but it's not about having sex.
If I had to guess, my life mate would be male.