Needing estrogen to be out of my body

[Night Haven]

Reading a comment that resonated with one of my own troubles.

Since puberty I haven't been able to think straight; it feels as if I've been sinking steadily deeper into this perpetual mind fog since I was twelve, thirteen, and for a while I've been connecting it to estrogen. I was hoping this would be manageable and would go down some, but it's only gotten worse. These days I can barely keep a thought straight, and I know there's a depth to thought that's very much there, but unreachable through this fog. I'm still going through puberty and can't expect this to get better, only worse, and even moreso now that my emotions have gotten less stable.

I want the damn hormones out of my body, so I can actually think again like I could before hitting that twelve-thirteen mark. It's having adverse effects on my mind, body, and even future because my academic performance has lagged and gotten worse since this occurrence.

If I could deplete my body entirely of hormones, by gods would I do it. However, I think that time's too late for me. I'm still hesitant about taking T for more than short intervals of time, but if HRT clears my mind to how I know I should be able to think, then I might accept the unwanted long-term changes I would have been wary of before if T can restore my clarity of thought and perhaps put some relief to the more severe emotional effects that have become an result of this inability to think. Hell, at this point I wouldn't even mind putting my body through a crap if it meant I could achieve this - I would take hormone blockers, with or without hormone replacement. I need to be able to think again.



*Sigh* Post Script, if this comes off an angry and frustrated, it is, but I can't do very much about that feeling and it goes away soon enough. If the post is coherent enough, I might consider showing it to my parents as a means of telling them why I need to hurry up in transition.

[KabitTarah]

I don't know where you're at with your parents (I'd hate to project my problems onto you )...

but this post is perfectly coherent to me, and mirrors my perspective in the opposite direction. It's difficult to concentrate and I feel as though I'm always on edge. I don't know what the difference in direction means (I would gladly trade endocrine systems ) in terms of mood, thought, and dysphoria ... but I sometimes have a hard time making progress (at work, or personally) on a day to day basis. I fight daily just do do what needs to be done, and the next two weeks are going to force me into this fight (busy couple weeks ahead). In some ways being forced to concentrate helps... in other ways -- it means I'm destroyed (dysphorically) when I get home in the evenings.

[Night Haven]

Thank you for replying, Kabit. I have to say I was in a horrible mood at the time, and probably will take a break from the forum for a while after this.

If endocrine systems could be traded, I'd gladly make do with yours.

I did make a post asking if hormone blockers could be gotten without a professional's recommendation, but I kind of doubt it right now. I don't think anyone replied, so I'll have to research later. It'd be fantastic if that were possible, even if it's just until I get proper hormones, but I should still consider the risks.

I'm scared this won't ever be fixed, though. It's why I'm considering testosterone full time, even with the unfavorable (to me) changes - it would be better if my body was young enough that it could handle the lack of puberty hormones, but that's likely not the case - but the testosterone might make if bad in a different way. I'm horrified to see how my sex drive could change (it's high enough already) or if anger would become unmanageable - I get unfavorable moods as it is, which are bad enough without being severely pissed, and anger never leads to anything good.

I've got the same problem with antidepressants. Most of the side effects listed I already have, and am worried that they'll just get worse. I'm usually either very run down or overly emotional when I'm like that, and the lack of clarity for the latter, in addition to the mind fog, might just be traded in for a variation. Aside, it seems I manage to reach a certain point when depressed that I'm more productive. (This baffles me.) However, it requires a certain balance that I don't usually have; when I'm happy, I'm probably going to be outside running around rather than working, so that's about off.

I'm tempted to think that I'm just trading issues for different issues.

[Shaina]

I want the damn hormones out of my body, so I can actually think again like I could before hitting that twelve-thirteen mark. It's having adverse effects on my mind, body, and even future because my academic performance has lagged and gotten worse since this occurrence.

If I could deplete my body entirely of hormones, by gods would I do it. However, I think that time's too late for me. I'm still hesitant about taking T for more than short intervals of time, but if HRT clears my mind to how I know I should be able to think, then I might accept the unwanted long-term changes I would have been wary of before if T can restore my clarity of thought...

Night Haven,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling dysphoric but it's completely understandable considering everything you're going through. While I can't say that I understand, I hope you rid yourself of it soon!

::HUGS::