Empowered or Vulnerable?

[Ashey]

Since starting to transition, do you feel more empowered or more vulnerable? Specifically on HRT, but this is open to pre or non HRT as well.

The past few days I've noticed a change in my mood, my view of myself, some thoughts and feelings, and things like that. I know a recent dream triggered it, or got me noticing it, but I think it's probably the hormones. I feel a lot more defensive and vulnerable now. In a way, I'm finding some empowerment through recognizing it, as long as I can do something to protect myself from whatever fears or negativity I'll face. But beneath that is a very distinct vulnerability that is new to me. Most women seem guarded and cautious out in public (at least to some degree), especially around men, but I had always assumed this was because of physical strength and size differences. I'm not exactly small, I'm 5' 9", and I've been able to hold my own in a few fights before so I feel like it shouldn't really apply to me. And even though I'm not as physically strong as I used to be (not because of HRT, but just from lack of physical activity), I still don't feel like I'm physically very vulnerable. But despite that my sense of self feels a bit different and I just feel a bit more 'fight or flight-y' if that makes sense.

Anyone know what I'm talking about and feel the same way? If so, how do you cope with it?

[Jennygirl]

I think I know what you are talking about. I feel like it's probably from the social and/or hormonal changes that are occurring. For hormones specifically, it could be the shift of levels that makes you feel the difference... I think this is the "adjustment period" that you always see talked about after starting hormones or adjusting dosages- it can make a person feel moody.

Then there is the whole social change, where deep down you know you are going to be transitioning so many things. And whether you've researched and planned the whole thing out or not, you know you will have to make many decisions and judgment calls.. I think in some cases it can empower you because you feel way more in control of your life than you did before... But in other cases you might second guess these decisions (feeling vulnerable) and ultimately a frequent shift between those two might be stressful- also possibly adding some mood effects into the mix.

[Sophia Hawke]

Pre-HRT, and Presenting nearly FT i can tell you i def feel more vulnerable being out and about.  Double so if i dont have a friend with me.

[Ashey]

Partly, it's trying to mentally adjust to the perceived typical female social posture of being not in control, submissive or what have you.

I think this is part of my confusion now. I'm naturally submissive and even now, what few sexual fantasies I have are usually submissive in nature. I find being dominated, captured, and restrained to be very arousing. But on the flipside of that, I'm now dealing with this new me. And I'm a pisces lol, I'm very introspective. I thought I knew myself and who I'm liberating through transitioning. And this is why the dream I had recently was so significant to me. In it, I was treated like and felt like a caged animal. In the end it seemed like I was being sold off to a man that had a particular interest in transsexual women. He examined me, groped me, and seemed pleased while I had a feeling of shame and tried to hide my face. Normally something like this would arouse me (pre-HRT I suppose). But this version of me was new, and different, and seems at odds with how I guess I used to see myself. It left me with this new set of feelings and a new sense of self. So while I still indulge in and get mentally aroused by submissive fantasies, I'm also left with these new feelings that contradict that. Perhaps this is a normal female dichotomy?

[Sophia Hawke]

I think this is part of my confusion now. I'm naturally submissive and even now, what few sexual fantasies I have are usually submissive in nature. I find being dominated, captured, and restrained to be very arousing. But on the flipside of that, I'm now dealing with this new me. And I'm a pisces lol, I'm very introspective. I thought I knew myself and who I'm liberating through transitioning. And this is why the dream I had recently was so significant to me. In it, I was treated like and felt like a caged animal. In the end it seemed like I was being sold off to a man that had a particular interest in transsexual women. He examined me, groped me, and seemed pleased while I had a feeling of shame and tried to hide my face. Normally something like this would arouse me (pre-HRT I suppose). But this version of me was new, and different, and seems at odds with how I guess I used to see myself. It left me with this new set of feelings and a new sense of self. So while I still indulge in and get mentally aroused by submissive fantasies, I'm also left with these new feelings that contradict that. Perhaps this is a normal female dichotomy?

In your mind, try to separate what happens in the bedroom, from the everyday.   I do enjoy a strong man in the bedroom(or even rough ones sometimes), but beyond that, i still want to me loved and treated with respect.  I'd never tolerate a guy who treated me like that on the everyday.  In the bedroom though, its more intimate and all your guards are down, and as long as he has enough restraint to understand when something isnt right, or your not enjoying.

[Seyranna]

Patriarchy messing with your heads much?

I definitely felt empowered because I fully assumed myself. Even more curious I felt even less vulnerable walking the streets than pre-transition. I admit though I was lucky I never quite "looked" trans, well it lasted maybe three months. I turned up damn fine pretty fast so very early on I could experience a radical shift in the type of "power" that a woman wields. I'm even more dominant than I was as a guy and I was quite the alpha. I basically view men as an extension of my will now and worst thing is I don't even objectify or sexualize myself through clothing.

And why are people even talking about sex?!

[ZoeM]

I don't generally measure things in terms of empowered vs disempowered. I do notice I'm more nervous about certain areas - dark parking lots especially - but mostly I just notice guys being a lot more nervous around me. Walking into my office to say hello, awkwardly greeting me in the halls - it's kinda fun being on the other end of that system. ^_^

[suzifrommd]

I'm much more vulnerable. My wig could come off at any time, my makeup could wipe away leaving my beard shadow, body hair could be exposed, etc.

Still wouldn't go back to being a man for any amount of money.

[evecrook]

a long time ago I use to be a druggy  hippie and learned to deal with the rougher side of the street. I'm not a big person.5'6 , but I was always confident I could deal with a nasty situation. .I was walking with a little make up on yesterday and a character was approaching  coming towards me and I was freaking out inside of myself.

[Sammy]

a long time ago I use to be a druggy  hippie and learned to deal with the rougher side of the street. I'm not a big person.5'6 , but I was always confident I could deal with a nasty situation. .I was walking with a little make up on yesterday and a character was approaching  coming towards me and I was freaking out inside of myself.

Yes, I feel my confidence somehow dwindling too... Especially, when I stand next to some really big guys and I never actually noticed before how huge they sometimes are. If things would go really bleak, I guess I would figure out something as there are things which You kinda cant unlearn cause they have been literally beaten into You, but I would totally not enjoy being in such kind of situations, whereas I used literally to jump into the fray and ask for trouble.

[Ms Grace]

More confident in some ways and more vulnerable in others.

I'm not full time yet but I find myself more able to speak my mind and deal with things at work I would have run a mile from a year ago. I hope and expect to carry that with me through to full time. I guess I need that kind of confidence to actually attempt this anyway.

Living as a 6'3" "male" I've certainly enjoyed the appearance of safety, I'm generally left alone and thankfully not directly threatened, even by drunks or idiots. But I can't say I've ever felt all that safe. Now, as my body becomes more feminine, especially as my breasts grow I am experiencing a different kind of vulnerability. One thing I've been noticing is a more visceral response to hearing about violence towards women, or it's depiction in TV dramas. I wrote an essay on rape and sexual violence against women for my Sociology course at uni some 27 years ago so it's not like my eyes have only just been opened to male aggression but I've noticed a shift in my gut feelings about it lately. Hearing about or seeing depictions of women being attacked... somehow it just feels more personal than before. And cis women are socialised with that hanging over their heads every day!

[Sophia Hawke]

Patriarchy messing with your heads much?

I definitely felt empowered because I fully assumed myself. Even more curious I felt even less vulnerable walking the streets than pre-transition. I admit though I was lucky I never quite "looked" trans, well it lasted maybe three months. I turned up damn fine pretty fast so very early on I could experience a radical shift in the type of "power" that a woman wields. I'm even more dominant than I was as a guy and I was quite the alpha. I basically view men as an extension of my will now and worst thing is I don't even objectify or sexualize myself through clothing.

And why are people even talking about sex?!

Sounds a bit meglo to me. no offense.  Most of us werent though. so it is prolly showing through more on both ends.

[Sammy]

One thing I've been noticing is a more visceral response to hearing about violence towards women, or it's depiction in TV dramas. I wrote an essay on rape and sexual violence against women for my Sociology course at uni some 27 years ago so it's not like my eyes have only just been opened to male aggression but I've noticed a shift in my gut feelings about it lately. Hearing about or seeing depictions of women being attacked... somehow it just feels more personal than before. And cis women are socialised with that hanging over their heads every day!

Precisely! This and very visual depictions of general violence and bloodshed too. I used to watch historical movies with interest and mostly for the battlescenes (like, for example, Braveheart, Patriot and those kinds of movies) but now I would skip those battles...

[Ashey]

I apologize if my bringing sex into this makes anyone uncomfortable. It's just that for me, I used to not have much of an issue with being slutty, submissive, even objectified sometimes. Now? I almost feel like that was the guy I used to be selling me out. Like I had this idea of who I was as a woman (while under the influence of testosterone), and now that estrogen is winning out, it's gotten real. I see and understand what I couldn't before, that I probably shouldn't think or behave like that, and I should do more to protect myself. It's just this weird shift in my thoughts and feelings that I hadn't really expected and almost seems out of character for me. It's a bit intimidating to feel this vulnerable and guarded all of a sudden (like I got some sense knocked into me lol), but at the same time it's a bit empowering to know that I'm just becoming more than I ever expected.

[Sammy]

I apologize if my bringing sex into this makes anyone uncomfortable. It's just that for me, I used to not have much of an issue with being slutty, submissive, even objectified sometimes. Now? I almost feel like that was the guy I used to be selling me out. Like I had this idea of who I was as a woman (while under the influence of testosterone), and now that estrogen is winning out, it's gotten real. I see and understand what I couldn't before, that I probably shouldn't think or behave like that, and I should do more to protect myself. It's just this weird shift in my thoughts and feelings that I hadn't really expected and almost seems out of character for me. It's a bit intimidating to feel this vulnerable and guarded all of a sudden (like I got some sense knocked into me lol), but at the same time it's a bit empowering to know that I'm just becoming more than I ever expected.

It might be also Your libido going down and causing that shift in Your attitude. I used to be completely asexual till I was 23 and then my libido just skyrocketed, which cause a lot of pain and inconvenience. Although I was still in denial then, I remember thinking that it was probably good that I was a guy and not a girl, because I would have been so slutty... And this was one of the issues I was thinking about pre-transition. It turned out that the concern was totally moot. Fantasy is one thing - especially is this is testosterone driven fantasy and having to actually live through this - is something totally else. I care about my body integrity, safety, emotional well-being much more than I used to and it does involve not trying to actually live out crazy fantasies and subjecting myself to danger.

[Hideyoshi]

Vulnerable. Probably irrational to think that way, but I do

[Lauren5]

Pre-HRT, I'm feeling vulnerable, but I hope hormones start to change that, as I develop into a more whole expression of myself.

[Ashey]

It might be also Your libido going down and causing that shift in Your attitude.

LOL my libido has crashed through the floor! xD At least compared to what it was. I used to be a bit of a porn addict, masturbated frequently, etc. But soon after starting E and P, it became spotty and less interesting. Now in the week since starting Spiro, I haven't even gotten close to an erection and haven't had any interest in porn. I'm starting to really understand the differences between typical male and female sex drives now. o_o

Fantasy is one thing - especially is this is testosterone driven fantasy and having to actually live through this - is something totally else. I care about my body integrity, safety, emotional well-being much more than I used to and it does involve not trying to actually live out crazy fantasies and subjecting myself to danger.

This, for sure.

[Seyranna]

Growing up in the ghetto at the heart of gang wars I never felt safe as a guy anyways. I could be threaten, beaten or robbed in broad daylight and nobody would lift a finger cause ya know I was a guy I should've just pumped my chest and show some attitude or bust a kneecap or something but I was peaceful. I never played the game but I witnessed/experienced hardcore street violence and ->-bleeped-<- that would give ya'll nightmares for decades. When I started to look female to me that felt ridiculously empowering because I could pass right in front of a gang of thugs and the only thing that would happen is that I would get cat called and I was the one intimidating them lol... Thing is a man will experience a LOT more violence than a woman in his life but it will be more minor aggressions whereas a woman will suffer less violent encounters but they will be more brutal and scarring like rape for instance of course.

Until a man backhands me or something I feel invincible because in my mind they can't touch me. And I know it's probably wrong to feel empowered because of my beauty but it's damn normal for a girl though and it doesn't have to be to the point where guys become malleable pieces of clay that you can sculpt to your liking but still.

[Amy]

I recognise this vulnerable feeling but I am still about year away from HRT if all goes well so I don't think the hormones cause it. For me it started when I accepted what I really am. Before I was always very closed and didn't care about anything so nothing could really hurt me and when needed I used anger to get over conflicts because I had lots of it anyway.
Now this is changing, I am more open and talk about my feelings or don't hide things anymore. I can be hurt now and it does make me feel very vulnerable at times. All the anger I had is gone too but on the other side I do feel much better and also more empowered in some ways as well, like I care much less about what people think of me. I don't have to prove what I am not anymore and I can be myself and do what I want, that empowers me.