Can I move forward and stay still?

[ashrock]

I am a logical person.  For years I have been putting my dreams and desires aside, and have become rather disconnected from them. Logically, I want my desires to match up with my natal gender and Id like to be able to be in front of people and not constantly have to logically process my every move into masculine ones (downright exhausting).   I know that will most likely never happen, I can accept that.  The reaction of most people is to 'go with it', to let myself become female.  As you know, that isnt a road to be taken lightly, for all the reasons I feel no need to express.  However, there are times that people desire a body that they don't/cannot have and the gut response is to teach them to change their own self image and perception.  Why cant the same approach be taken for me?  There is no good way to proceed in either direction for me...  If I stay here I am constantly lieing to others and hating my body, and if I move on that leads to an externally difficult existence.

[evecrook]

your the only one that can answer this. I lived an all right life except that I've deeply struggled with my gender. It hasn't been fun. I wish I could of solved the problem when I was 18 or before. I've dealt with it all these years, but its been a challenge. I'm on HRT now and its bringing on a whole new set of challenges. I like what I'm doing though.

[Madison (kiara jamie)]

it seems your still fighting with your acceptance of being transgender, you seem like myself a couple years ago before i started hrt, you have a huge fear of everyone finding out your big massive life ending secret, eventually it just came to the point were i realized that my true self was fighting the gender roles i was supposed to be following, and i had an epiphany, if i say i am a man and act confident with my true self, most people will just ignore the small personality changes i have shown, after a while i was to much and people started joking about how "gay" i was acting but i just didn't care at that point, i just told them it was part of my playful goofy nature which is also true

it doesn't matter how feminine you act, as long as you show that you are confident and when anyone makes a remark you just show that it is nothing other than a lame joke and that it failed to bother you

i have "female standard" perfect long hair and a very obvious feminine figure/face, and i still get accepted as being male by my VERY anti-LGBT coworkers for the past 3 years

[ashrock]

Its not fear, at least not fear that I can consciously detect.  I do accept myself for who I am, maybe I just dont have a clear idea of what exactly that is.  Honestly, I dont see it as being a life ending secret either.   honestly, I know things would be fine if I started living as I felt inside, but what I'm wondering is if that is the only way forward from here.  I know that is for me to determine, but this is something I've been struggling with since I can remember, and I'm not able to resolve on my own

[evecrook]

I have a very wonderful and understanding therapist. I was so totally amazed at her acceptance  of me when I told her of my secret  that I lived with for so long

[JoanneB]

I used to think I accepted myself for who I am, perhaps more than a CD, experimented with transitioning and decided it wasn't for me, did all that I could to be "normal".

It wasn't until after I took the trans beast head on did I learn what means to truly accept myself. In fact even feeling somewhat empowered one day when I said out loud and actually heard the words "I am transgendered". The part that really sucks about all that is I know stand at a fork in the road and don't know for sure which to take.

[ashrock]

I used to think I accepted myself for who I am, perhaps more than a CD, experimented with transitioning and decided it wasn't for me, did all that I could to be "normal".

It wasn't until after I took the trans beast head on did I learn what means to truly accept myself. In fact even feeling somewhat empowered one day when I said out loud and actually heard the words "I am transgendered". The part that really sucks about all that is I know stand at a fork in the road and don't know for sure which to take.

Well, I will say this: It is comforting to not be alone in this.  It might not sound like it but that is sooooo where I am at the moment.  I just think its a little odd that this is called a 'crossroads' but the only option I ever really hear anyone take seriously is to transition, and my therapist is included among those that I feel to be slightly over-encouraging.  Maybe this is a bit more of a struggle for me than others, but it feels like most other people willing to talk about it are transitioning, or at least preparing too.  Im not questioning who I am inside, I am transgendered, but that doesnt really tell me where to go from here...

[Sammy]

Well, You are absolutely correct - being transgender does not mean that You have to transition. In fact, very small % of TG do transition, and mostly they are people who identify themselves as transsexual. You just have to figure out for Yourself, where do You feel comfortable - in the male or female spectrum, or maybe somewhere in between and starting to take small steps to see if those steps would make Your life happier. Maybe those adjustments wont suffice and You will realise that You actually do want to transition.. maybe not... But it should be Your decision, not some therapist's.

[evecrook]

It's a very difficult problem. I know the hell I went through wasn't fun. I hope some how you get the answers.

[JoanneB]

Well, I will say this: It is comforting to not be alone in this.  It might not sound like it but that is sooooo where I am at the moment.  I just think its a little odd that this is called a 'crossroads' but the only option I ever really hear anyone take seriously is to transition, and my therapist is included among those that I feel to be slightly over-encouraging.  Maybe this is a bit more of a struggle for me than others, but it feels like most other people willing to talk about it are transitioning, or at least preparing too.  Im not questioning who I am inside, I am transgendered, but that doesnt really tell me where to go from here...

I chalk it up to my mystery solving engineer nature. I can solve about any problem once I know what it is and what the output should be. All while having to juggle perhaps dozens of oft times conflicting requirements. It is something that comes easy to me. Unfortunately not FOR me.

I have a career that I love. Like I get paid $$$ to have fun. I have a wife that is my biggest ally, who wants me to be happy. I lead a life that has had had some great adventures and remarkable achievements for some second generation blue collar kid from Bayonne. Always doing what I felt was expected and required to appear "normal".

That stands in stark contrast to finally living. Feeling Joy. Finally feeling happy in my own skin. Being me. the real and complete me. I got to run along the shore of the river Jordan. I saw that I can be seen as and accepted as the woman I always felt I should be. I've even been shown that I can cross over.

Fear stands between me and the other shore more than anything else. Fear of the unknowns. Fear of the potential losses. Fear that the risk to gain perhaps the final 1/3 of myself back comes at too great of a cost.

I feel rudderless. Adrift in a sea of possibilities. Not that it matters since I don't have a course to even plot out, much less sail by. I am able to play out the mental chess games where I win, as well as those I loose horribly. Is moving forward worth the cost? Hard to decide when the cost can be nothing to perhaps everything else that is important to myself and my identity.

So for now I am treading water. I have the benefit of a great support group, a wife who is my #1 ally, and memories of my recent experience living part-time in the real world as the real me, back in a former dream job, back where I have access to a gender therapist, to help me survive. I also have plenty of responsibilities and obligations I need to fulfill in the near term. Which is fine. I suspect at the rate I have been growing as a person, the lessons about myself I am learning, waiting out another year or two before tossing that T-bomb out into the world is a good thing. That is assuming I decide I do need to transition to full-time, not just would like to.