Terrified of Estrogen

[Hideyoshi]

You'll still be you, even on E.

I'm still me after 15 months.  A more emotional and female-minded me, but me nonetheless.

[Ashey]

Speaking of emotions, mine are going all wobbly. I get this off and on sensation like a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach (feeling it a bit now). Also been feeling a bit more stressed, like I've got all these things I gotta do hanging over my head even if it's not much. Just a lil more on edge I guess. It's been coming and going since I started Spiro so I think that might be it, rather than the E. Not saying I'm super moody, depressed, or unhappy with transitioning lol. I get elated moments and a feeling of 'realness' and 'rightness' along with it all, but enjoying this occasional anxiety-feeling much less.

[Violet Bloom]

I'm just as gay as I was before I started estrogen, which is very, very gay. Honestly, the real changes for me have been around my depression lifting. I am incredibly different from how I was pre-transition, but that's because my personality was being suppressed. I didn't go from one kind of person to another kind of person. I went from a half-dead zombie thing to a person. It sounds like that change has already happened for you. I honestly don't think further changes are super likely.

I also can't say any of my interests changed. My sociability, my confidence, my openness, my attitude, my comfort level with myself and with my body, my baseline optimism, my sympathy for other humans... that all changed. Does that sound at all familiar for you?

  Even early in the game here this sounds quite familiar to me.  I know who I am and I know who I want to be.  HRT is simply making daily life easier and significantly more comfortable.  This allowing me to bloom as the person I am rather than one day wake up as a completely different 'plant'.

  I once heard the term "I'm gay for girls" spoken by a guy I'm dead-certain is a closet trans case.  That statement instantly struck a chord with me at the time before I knew where I was headed.  Desiring to BE a woman with another woman in a relationship is a substantially different thing from wanting a man, even if you are not the dominant figure in the relationship.  I admit that I've wondered briefly about what it would be like to be in a relationship with a man romantically or sexually but I know in my heart that it would never feel right.  I've also sorted this out by assessing my attraction to pre-transtion FTMs and realising that this interest is lost once they begin to change physically.

  To the OP:

Unless your brain has somehow concocted an elaborate male-attraction avoidance scheme by drawing you to your girlfriend, hormones aren't going to break the situation.  Even if you were strongly repressing some bisexualism, love won't change because of it.  Don't let your irrational fear tie you up in knots while a lack of hormones slowly damages your body permanently.  Look deep inside your mind and your heart and ask yourself if you truly believe you'd ever welcome a man into your life.  If the answer is "yes" or "maybe" then don't keep lying to yourself or more importantly to your girlfriend.  If you actually are repressing that then it will eventually come to the surface anyway and it won't be a good scene.  I don't think that's where you're headed but only YOU can be the one to say for sure.

Speaking of emotions, mine are going all wobbly. I get this off and on sensation like a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach (feeling it a bit now). Also been feeling a bit more stressed, like I've got all these things I gotta do hanging over my head even if it's not much. Just a lil more on edge I guess. It's been coming and going since I started Spiro so I think that might be it, rather than the E. Not saying I'm super moody, depressed, or unhappy with transitioning lol. I get elated moments and a feeling of 'realness' and 'rightness' along with it all, but enjoying this occasional anxiety-feeling much less.

It's interesting how so many people have completely different experiences.  I know what the "ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach" feeling is like because it's what I'd felt continuously every day of my life up until Spiro and now it is that feeling that has subsided.  After starting low-dose E I've had a hint of it come back here and there but overall I feel very stable, calm and happy.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

What I don't want now is to lose my sexual orientation and personality.

That isn't going to happen if you take E. Anyone that tries to convince you that E is going to make you "man crazy" is delusional. You like men or you like women or you could be bi....whatever.

My point is this: I was attracted to women before I was on E. I started E in October of 07. I had an orchi after being on E for a few years. Not ONE TIME in those three years did I ever want to be with a man. The one time I just thought "what if?" I almost threw up on the floor. That's right...the mere THOUGHT of myself being with a man nearly made me physically sick. Now it has been a few years following my orchi and again...NEVER have I thought about being with a man.

Not once.

When I see men, I'm like: "ewww", it's just not for me.

But if see the right woman, it's like: "meeeeow". LOL Seriously.

But I know that since I am pre op and stuck in that situation, unfortunately, I will always remain alone.

Oh, well...that's the way it goes.

But don't think for a second that E is going to reverse something that you feel that deeply about because it won't.

[Violet Bloom]

There was a story a little while ago about this guy that supposedly had a stroke and then claimed it turned him gay.  Ya, right...

Almost same-same for me Violet.  I used to have the phrase "I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body" stuck in the back of my mind.  Little did I know, it was a precisely accurate description of myself!

Early on in HRT, I used to let my thoughts roam a little, looking at guys out in public.  I'd get a tiny bit of "Hmmm, maybe..." but the overwhelming sense was "OMFG, puke effing no way, RUN!!!".  I remain open-minded to what may be in my true nature but so far, I really doubt I'll ever be attracted to men on a sexual basis.  I've always liked them on a "just friends" basis.  In a way it would be easier to be attracted to men now.  Admitting trans and attracted to women is a double whammy of sorts, but, meh, it is what it is.

I would like someone to be sexually dominant with me, and while there's a very slim chance that I could find a man who was a skilled and unselfish lover to fill that role, I would still be physically put-off.  The thought simply feels very wrong.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Because my body is different any meds and includes E,,, did not,,, change my mind ,  long before birth my mind was  female  Psychologically  ,Mentalally  and Emotionally, All E does or is doing is to keep my body from health issues that could and no doubt  would arise had i not taken or still taking them.

any changes and some did started over 20 years ago when my body went into changes as in prep for living as a woman, i did not take any meds till 11 years after that start time,

Im the same today as i was then or going back 55 years, im not talking about changes that you go through normaly as a person growing up, remember there is allways going to be changes in your mind and body from day one till ....

because im female i have had a few changes happen such as some musical instriments i did not like i do now, though baseicaly every thing is about the same , my biggest change has been i am able to express my self fully as a normal female that has been so fantastic to be able to do that,

As iv grown into being or becoming a woman oh yes iv changed and those around myself know that,

Now i certinaly will not state that meds will not change a persons perceptions  because i know they do, iv over 40 years experance of seeing those changes,  so all i would say is remember every one is different and will react differently to meds drugs or HRT, give your self at least 7 years to find out,

If you do go on them. changes may start with in 6 months depending on the person and could change how you think i wont say how . if you do have surgerys then you need some form of replacement for your body from T to E or some of both  have a talk with your Endo,

i know its not easy .

...noeleena...

[KabitTarah]

Speaking of emotions, mine are going all wobbly. I get this off and on sensation like a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach (feeling it a bit now). Also been feeling a bit more stressed, like I've got all these things I gotta do hanging over my head even if it's not much. Just a lil more on edge I guess. It's been coming and going since I started Spiro so I think that might be it, rather than the E. Not saying I'm super moody, depressed, or unhappy with transitioning lol. I get elated moments and a feeling of 'realness' and 'rightness' along with it all, but enjoying this occasional anxiety-feeling much less.

Shoot... mine have been doing that and I'm not on anything!
It makes me fear E just a little... and also want it even more...

[Ashey]

Shoot... mine have been doing that and I'm not on anything!
It makes me fear E just a little... and also want it even more...

Well to be fair I don't know if it's really the hormones or if it's the sense that this is really happening.

[KabitTarah]

Well to be fair I don't know if it's really the hormones or if it's the sense that this is really happening.

From observation only (of course - no E for me yet) it seems as though E affects each person's mood a bit differently, but the common theme seems to be that - if there's turmoil in your life... there's turmoil in your emotion... and lots of us have turmoil!

[Violet Bloom]

From observation only (of course - no E for me yet) it seems as though E affects each person's mood a bit differently, but the common theme seems to be that - if there's turmoil in your life... there's turmoil in your emotion... and lots of us have turmoil!

  That's exactly what my doctor told me which is why they go to great lengths to determine the stability of your life and your mental state before allowing informed consent for HRT.

[KabitTarah]

  That's exactly what my doctor told me which is why they go to great lengths to determine the stability of your life and your mental state before allowing informed consent for HRT.

That makes sense... mental stability, too...
I was talking about social stability... which is probably almost as bad Mine social stability is good... and still causes a lot of pain! (Family stability is meh). If anything, though... I'm part of the cause and HRT should help (I'm on T edge).