How realistic is a long term transition?

[KabitTarah]

I am curious that once you come out, you get the "I knew all the time"

But it would be interesting to know what people are thinking, especially when I don't think anyone I know has dealt with someone transitioning.

I only got this from one guy... he thought it was gay and girly... but whatever. Some people, like him, look at the sorts of activities I was interested in and figured they were pretty girly. Ok, they were pretty girly... but in terms of activities it's almost OK to do non-traditionally gender oriented stuff.

I think most people, when you finally come out, have been thinking something's up for so long that they believe they always thought something was up... when really it's only been for a year or so. That's probably how it will be at work -- if I can last that long without someone asking me why I'm acting so girly lately . I'm still paranoid they're figuring it out (though I know it's incredibly unlikely... it *is* possible with this big internet thing).

[Allie]

I'm still paranoid they're figuring it out (though I know it's incredibly unlikely... it *is* possible with this big internet thing).

I am so happy to hear that the fears I have been going through are justified, maybe that's not the right wording but knowing some of the details of my fears I am able to read it from others. 

[KabitTarah]

I am so happy to hear that the fears I have been going through are justified, maybe that's not the right wording but knowing some of the details of my fears I am able to read it from others. 

I don't know about justified... but normal... the paranoia seems to be pretty common! I know some people know something's up. I also know a lot of people are pretty clueless. There are just some things that give it away... one example: the people who work close to me don't come look at my computer anymore. They know something's going on behind the scenes and are giving me some space -- which is good, I guess. They're respectful.

[Northern Jane]

I am curious that once you come out, you get the "I knew all the time"

I grew up in the 1950s and 1960s and was never really "in" to come "out". Pretty much everybody knew there was something different about me but (I thought) in those days nobody knew exactly what it was. I disappeared from my little home town in 1974 with transition and SRS as soon as surgery became a possibility. According to my sister who remained at home, the most common reaction when people heard what became of me was "It's about time she figured it out!"   

[Joan]

Just wanted to say thank you to people who answered and asked me questions. 

Hmm...let's see...prior to moving out, I still used my male name, and dressed pretty androgynous...when I moved out from the ex's (15 May 2012), I started wearing women's clothes FT, and introduced myself as "Beth" to my fellow apartment-dwellers...a week later I came out at work (got a new name tag and converted as much of the paperwork as I could)...and 12 June 2012 I changed my name legally; driver's license and Soc Sec card etc.

So about a month? I couldn't imagine living part-time for much longer.

What's stopping you?

There are quite a few things. One thing is my children getting past that 'difficult stage" to give them a better chance of being able to work it through, and of course my financial responsibilities to them being done.  Another is my own financial situation which can be in pretty good shape if I can just manage a little longer.

...That makes 4 years at a minimum.  Reason? Financial independence at 45 is a possibility so I'm in a position where I have great incentive to wait/progress slowly.  Each way has challenges, I'm embracing mine with ownership, resolve and acceptance.  I own my transition and that makes all the difference.

↑ This so much!  This is what I want it to be.  I just hope I can hang in there.  Counseling starts on Tuesday


Regarding coming out and people's reactions.  I've only come out to my partner so far, and her initial reaction was "I never guessed", and then there were about a hundred "Hang on, that time you..." kind of conversations.  I think we can't avoid dropping our transsexualism out in small bits and pieces, and people kind of pick them up and then throw them aside as junk.  It's impossible to hide your true nature, but people are just too busy with so much other stuff to necessarily pick up on it.

As an aside, I had a weird dream last night that I came out to my eldest brother, only my other brother had already come out, and every one was suspicious that I was just copying him.  "It must be genetic", I kept saying.  My brother is not TS

[Teela Renee]

I dunno about long term, for me it was do or die. I tried to violently end my life 3 times in 1 year.  knew if it didnt happen I would die, and jumped into the transition ocean blindly. I went to my required 3 months of therapy got my hormones, and went full time as Teela after being on HRT for a year.  If your having a hard time interacting as a male now, the hormones will make it a nightmare, at least it did for me.  Once I looked female, presenting male was even more painful then before HRT. Cause it was like being hungry and someone raving food infront of ya.     anything is possiable tho, a long term transition is possiable, ya just gotta have the will to do it.

[Mogu]

Three years seems too long to me. I think you'd have trouble putting up with it.

I haven't even started HRT yet but I feel like I'm lying if I introduce myself with my birth name...

[Joan]

Thanks for posting about your experiences.  I appreciate it very much

It's been a few weeks I guess since I posted this and we've been going out at the weekends, this weekend for the first time in daylight, which was nowhere near as bad as I had feared it would be.

I find that I swing between a positive I-will-succeed attitude to the mountain I've got to climb, and a paling before the sheer enormity of what I have to get over.

My success in dealing with people follows how I feel about transition.

TBH today I'm feeling way down on the down side

But I do have my first endo consult on Saturday so thinking about that gives me a lift

I intend to try and stick it out as long as I can.

[Christine167]

I'm stuck in the long term transition plan as my family and work place aren't as apt to catch up as quickly as my friends and I just can't jeopardize my son in the process. I've already lost my wife to a separation and upcoming divorce.

I guess since I have accepted that my transition will likely take several years that things have gotten easier for me for now. I go to work and run the same old script as always with the way that I interact with people. When I hangout with my friends, who accept me, we just talk about the game or play cards, etc and really that wouldn't be that different for me after transition.  What I find is difficult is being able to grow as a woman. I pretty much only get that here where I can be a girl and not be just one of the guys. This is the only place I can compliment someone's shoes or hair and talk about how jealous I am of it as a compliment and not feel that I need to express it in a "I'm confident in my man hood way."

People are still taking notice of the changes in my body and face but they just assume that I am losing weight and want to look younger. I guess after a decade with a beard & short hair it's difficult to see me with anything different and that's just what men do in America. As we age our style pretty sets in and our hair just gets shorter and shorter until it falls out or greys out. Sad really that socially as a man you can't change your image without getting picked on by others.

Back on topic though for now I feel fine living the double life. However I've only just begun at 3 months of HRT. I expect as the changes roll on faster and I pass more milestones that I will become more and more anxious to become a full time woman who is comfortable enough with her own body.

[Katie]

From the day I started hormones to the day I had SRS it was one year and a month. I never went to therapists (till two days before srs). I didn't waste time. Come to think of it my fist batch of hormones didnt come the standard way. Ha.

Simply put I just refused to delay the inevitable. Now if someone else wants to drag it out over years more power to them but then if your going to run a marathon you might as well pay attention to the clock while your doing it.

Katie

[KabitTarah]

From the day I started hormones to the day I had SRS it was one year and a month. I never went to therapists (till two days before srs). I didn't waste time. Come to think of it my fist batch of hormones didnt come the standard way. Ha.

Simply put I just refused to delay the inevitable. Now if someone else wants to drag it out over years more power to them but then if your going to run a marathon you might as well pay attention to the clock while your doing it.

Katie

That's very, very fast. My therapist says I'm moving quickly... but a large part of that is due to my lack of other psyche problems. Not everyone is capable of moving that quickly. Interestingly, he's also said the last three trans people he's talked to have been very lucky in their transition (with family, work, etc)... and I'm the third.

That's not to say I don't have problems, but I thank god for my luck, daily. I also think you make (some of) your own luck.

[aucoraborealis]

Sadly, yes. Some of us have no choice but to draw things out. I'm embarking on a transition that has no end.

I started in 2009 but stopped four months into HRT because my marriage was really struggling. I'm starting HRT again in a few weeks, this time with the full support of my wife who now understands how crucial it is, but I can never live as a woman. She can handle the physical changes, but in our tiny, close-minded community a social transition would be too much for her.

Will this be hard? Hell yeah. But if it means growing old with the love of my life and our two hobbits than I'll take it!

[Joan]

Thanks Christine and Cora

Yes, children, marriage, the commitments we've accrued along the way all have to be considered. We move forward at the pace we can and make the best of it I suppose. I'm beginning to feel more positive about this path than I did when I began it. It helps to read that other people are trying the same kind of thing and making a success of it too.

If you've got to run the marathon, best make sure you finish it in good shape without serious injury

[ashley_thomas]

So I started E a few weeks back, low dose and just told my mom and will tell my brother this week and sister in the next few weeks.  We will tell some close friends this summer and travel as two women together as well.  I still get out several times a month and am fully out at home. 2 years and 3 months since I started therapy.  Even if I ramped it up it would still be another year so I guess for me a long term transition is realistic.

[JessicaH]

I have been on HRT for 3 years and still not out at work and most family. I got mam'd twice by a young guy tonight at Sonic Drive Inn and I was in total "guy mode" wearing guy clothes and my hair pulled back in a pony tail. Long term is doable but not easy. It will be much harder if you are in your twenties or early thirties.

[helen2010]

Hi everybody.

It's taken a while but I've come out to my partner, made an appointment for therapy and begun living part time as a woman. My partner has been really understanding, and the time that I can spend at home as myself gives me so much peace of mind. Next we're planning a few trips away where I can spend a few days or weeks fully as Joan.

I plan to start HRT as soon as I can referred, but for a smooth transition I plan to work in male mode for at least another three years. This will give me the financial base we need for future.  I realise that there will be physical changes, but i don't intend to let what other people think bother me.

The problem is that having moved a long way toward self-acceptance I'm now finding it harder and harder interacting with people as a guy and I don't suppose hormones are going to make that any easier.

So how long did you spend on your transition? Is such a long term dual role life possible?

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Joan

If you take full transition dosages of hrt, then while your ymmv I think that it will be hard to continue to pass as male for such a long period.  Having said this if you take low dose hrt it would probably  be manageable as your dysphoria will certainly diminish and the physical changes will be less pronounced.

While I have not met folk like this I understand from my previous therapist that there are several high profile women who present as male professionally but present as female at other times.  While I think that this would be quite difficult psychologically, it does appear that for some this has worked over quite an extended period (5 plus years).

Aisla

[Sammy]

Well, this might work but it would require some compromises to be made and it really depends how You feel about those kind of compromises. I am on somewhat middle-level dosage and those who see me every day and dont know - they still have no idea, though sooner or later You are bound to slip up somehow. The most difficult thing is posture, mannerisms and all those details, but these could be dealt with in shorter periods of time by observing Your behaviour and keeping it within "acceptable male behaviour".
The problem is with those people who You meet for the first time and when You kinda mix Your social life with them and those who knew You before but are kinda "in the darkness", because sometimes the former ones start asking questions behind Your back which makes the latter ones kinda wonder and look at You differently.
Also, depending on Your genetics, age and other factors, there are going to be inevitable male fails and sometimes they happen when You are least expecting them (for example, when wearing 100% male casual attire), but You get to learn how to deal with them eventually.
Sometimes I need to present professionally (and I cant get away with smart casual only) and I do look a bit weird in power suit now, but usually people dont really care and You can get away with explanations like being on diet, growing Your hair out etc etc etc. If You are over 40-ties, You can always joke about male middle-age crisis and that You are now treating Your skin with moisturisers, dieting, exercising and whatnot - those are kinda contemporary stereotypical behaviours of middle/upper class male who is experiencing middle age crisis and they are kinda convenient to exploit for Your needs .

[Joan]

Interesting to come back to this one. I posed the question 7 months ago and I had therapy and started medium dose hormones in January. There have been some changes physically, a lot of comments, and the diet, 'trying out longer hair' and healthy living talk is holding up ok so far.

HRT also broke the dam holding back Joan, along with ever-growing comfort in myself, and My mannerisms and speech patterns have changed a lot I guess. I get on with my female coworkers like a house on fire and life is a whole lot more fun.

I pretty quickly realised that 3 years was going to be too hard so I redid the sums, lowered expectations on possible savings and I'm working towards two years. Lately I've started considering coming out after one.

So yes, it is hard leading the dual life and a very long term transition for me is probably not going to be possible.

[big kim]

I thought I could live in dual role as I thought it would be impossible to pass and believed all the if you don't pass your not a real TS/your life will be crap/you won't get a job/ get beat up every time you go out etc BS.
I started HRT and electrolysis in January 1990 and had been growing my hair out from a long DA for 8 months.I started to live in role at nights and weekends straight away but took til May 1990 to start socialising in gay bars and clubs as femaleI knew by then that a full time transition was possible and that I wouldn't be happy part time.By October 1990 I was having to wear baggy T shirts to hide breast growth,I had long spiral permed red hair which people at work thought was due to me being around the punk/metal scene as I also was a regular in the rock club.I went full time on 30/9/91,I still hadn't finished electrolysis and would have liked to complete it but felt I was pushed into full time a bit sooner than I wanted by Charing Cross.I'd started having male fail in the summer.

[Natalie]

Living in two social roles may lead to severe dysphoria and psychological problems later on if you do it too long. Some people can handle it but the vast majority of people simply cannot. For expository simplicity it's easier to just say you need to get rid of your fake persona and be who you truly are.