Hi CaliforniaAdmirer,
I am sorry if you encountered hostility while trying to understand and be understood. My favorite Monty Python quote: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." I would rephrase it differently, "Nobody expects the Transgender Inquisition."
I am glad you have stuck around.
When I was still male presenting and male-identified, as a straight male feminist, rape survivor, and sex abuse survivor, I sometimes triggered, and drew the hostility of, people who were a lot like me but who were projecting their perpetrator onto me because of my appearance, words, or sex. I was familiar with this, since my sisters and mother were victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, and before they got better they spent many years reacting to me and my perceived maleness and resemblance to my father, often taking my words or actions out of context and tearing me a new one because they "knew" what I was really thinking.
Five years ago when I began to get in touch with the memories of my childhood and teen years, including sex abuse, rape, and spiritual abuse, I had to go through a long healing process that finally let me get my panic disorder and PTSD under control and on the mend. For a while I was seeing bad guys and bad girls behind every bush and lurking in every internet post... literally.
My heart goes out to you for the things you suffered, and promise you that it keeps getting better and better. You won't always be haunted by that stuff, and it won't always affect your relationships and your life.
In my case, I had spent more than 3 years remembering and healing from the traumas of my youth, when I finally could pass through the wall of pain that led to rediscovering the full and authentic person I had been before I shut me down to survive and conform for all those years. I learned that I had a giant secret I had been keeping from myself (and the world), a precious female soul that I had locked away from the world to keep her (me) safe in a set of circumstances that nearly killed me.
I don't know if you will discover at the end of your recovery rainbow, a self that is female like I did, or just a loving heart that is capable of understanding and loving all people and yourself. But good luck in your journey of healing and discovery.
-Maddie