My wife and I had a long talk last night... I'll be getting to work late, but I wanted to go over it here first.
I suppose there's even chances she'll even read this, unless my parents are telling her things they shouldn't (for her own sake!). If she's reading things that hurt her on my support forum, I'm sorry... but there's nothing I can do. I'm pretty sure I mentioned "fault" in two places... here and to my parents. I haven't been talking much to anyone else. I do not think I am to blame for everything... this is circumstantial, not planned. I didn't choose to bury who I was, I never chose to keep it buried, and I didn't choose to come out now. If I could have kept it buried, if it was a choice, I probably would have made the other choice. Nobody wants to be transgender... and I had a coping mechanism that worked -- even if it would have killed me eventually (10 to 30 years, realistically). Once it's out, once I was aware, it couldn't possibly go back in. The dysphoria was worse than it ever had been (also due to circumstances) and my awareness was higher than it ever had been... at a time when I was trying to make changes in my life in order to protect and because I love my family.
I see divorce as circumstantial... not as a fault scenario.
... I'm still 100% blamed for everything. That's entirely understandable and I don't fault her for that. She is putting up a good act, but I'm fooled easily. I've always been fooled easily in love (hope that doesn't bode poorly for the future, either). It's about the most difficult thing to hear: that it's my fault and it will always be my fault, when I have such a different life and different drives than what were described to me.
It's extra tough when literally everyone in my family blames me and some even want to ostracize me. It isn't right, it can be bigoted, and I have the right to defend myself. On the other hand... they are all, including my wife, flatly refusing to attempt to understand me. The only person I hold hope for is my mother, who is genuinely concerned for who I am and who I'm becoming. Understanding of who I am, where I've come from and why, and what I'm going through is difficult for a cisgender to do if they're entirely open and accepting... but I still have more hope than I should. I'm starting to take a different tack, though...
In the end I said one really mean thing to my wife... that I wasn't pushed so hard into baby #4 I probably wouldn't be out now. It's probably true... but I would have had this crisis eventually. It wasn't very nice to say, but we went from having a conversation (however one-sided) to outright attack. I'd handled the attack very, very well... and very politely... up to that point.
Eventually it turned to a back and forth about blame and who's blaming who... triggered by my statement. Again... people all seem to have the point of view... I'm the one to blame and any blaming of others (if even for attacking me or for being bigoted or the like) isn't right. That's outright marginalization - saying that their point of view is more right... especially since they all share it... than mine, the person who lived through it. Huh? I'm not lying to anyone... I lived it, I understand it; you did not live through it, you do not understand it. How do you presume to accuse of me of being mistaken? How can I understand that, other than the fact that crowd thought is affecting your view of my own experiences... which is pretty much the definition of marginalization.
My wife also accused me of not understanding her. I do not... not beyond the surface and not beyond the hate. She will not let me in and she even said that to me... she doesn't want me to hurt her again.
That was the turning point.
I told her I'll keep trying to get in. That's what it took the first time, too. It may be different now, but in a lot of ways it's the same. I loved her and I still love her. She loved me and she knows she still does, but there's still that surface of hate for what she thinks I've done. That will be difficult to break through... especially after we divorce.
She needs that... the divorce. I've accepted that she does and I'm working on moving on, too. I don't think she's strong enough to be with a trans* woman, to live with one. She could not live with the lesbian label. She would also have a difficult time living with me and seeing me change. That's just who she is inside... I'll never blame her for the divorce... but it would be nice to not carry the entire load of blame myself, sometime... I don't want a divorce. It's just about who I am inside, too. It's as much not my fault as it is not her fault.... we share equal fault and those faults are quite close to zero.
And I still love myself. I am strong enough to go through with this, but my strength will need to grow to complete it, fully transition, and be happy with my path.
