I have to say I live on a plateau. I have no life as it is. No job, no family of my own devising. I first considered suicide many, many years ago. I considered myself a soft-spoken, easily teased boy who got his feelings hurt not at the drop of a hat, but it wasn't too hard to get me to tear up.
I've been blamed my whole life for people treating me bad. Someone doesn't like me? All my fault for existing. Someone is having a bad day? Proceed to bully poor crying-Mike there... Etc. It was a sport of some kind from K-12 almost. The worst of it was the rumor-mongering and shunning from the girls. The boys just tried to intimidate me with threats of physical force, the girls really knew how to be mean! /post
Fast forward... having no where else to live, I lived with my parents. BIg mistake. I would have been safer being homeless but the constant neglect and frequent spurts of abuse toughened me up a tiny bit. A tiny bit. I grew to not trust the outside world. To become paranoid. Oh, I could leave the house and often did, but I went places perpetually alone. Having no source of income, my mom got me on Social Security Disability and medicare for major depression.
I bounced from one mental health clinic to the next, refusing to actually take meds and one place actually gave me bags of samples of Zooloft. Huge amounts of samples I accumulated... and didn't take a one. I could have over-dosed easily if I wished!
My parents were nice enough to let me have a car and pay for repairs and insurance, but I was on my own for what I did all day. My dad left around 2002 or so, revealing to my mother he had an affair with another woman. They divorced, him stealing from her with his high-powered attorney and insisting she get a second mortgage to pay him off. Oh, he the adulterer got the bulk of the money and satisfaction from the deal. Mom got to keep the house and the responsibility for caring for their freak youngest son. So told me as many of his secrets as she could.
Late 2003, his gravy-train ended and he dies of a heart attack. Having no will, his four kids split the money evenly and his devoted wife gets squat. Well, she did use my portion to pay off my credit card debt on the first round of that rigamorale.
Anyhow, deeply depressed, I had started to think I was transgender. I saw a flyer for a LGBTQ group called Bucks United and thought it would be some kinda paradise. I could walk in the door and announce being trans and get help! Well, it turns out the place where the groups were held only had one gay man working there as staff and his name was Kevin Klick. They assumed I was gay-Gilligan to his Skipper. Kevin hosts groups and most times nobody showed up. Just me and him ignoring each other as he worked on doing his paperwork.
When there were guests, I was too shy to admit I was trans, so I would talk about wanting to meet girls. One time Kevin loudly chastized me for chasing people away from his groups. Kevin himself? The word "gay" as they used it in the Flintstones jingle didn't apply to him. He was vehemently depressed but had hopes that he could get funding for his BU groups from the county and that consumed him so much he put it above his own health & safety. He was paler than a ghost, paler than me. Well, he had a falling out with the drop-in-center where he worked and decided to host groups in his New Hope residence. So then I'm pretty sure he got funding.
Then... "Kevin J Klick 1960 - 2003 was a member of the Klick family. Kevin was born on September 17, 1960. Kevin died on April 22, 2003 at 42 years old." At one point there was a nice obituary online but I guess they took that offline and this is the only evidence on the web of his existence. Funny, early that year I lost Kevin as a friend, late that year my dad. And my dad's obit is still online...
Well, Kevin's funeral was held on a small boat in New Hope. We wended our way down the river, being dragged by oxen, and cast his ashes in the river. The only wrinkle to the service was that Kevin's landlord claimed Kevin had come to her prior to his death to repent his gayness and be absolved of his sins. She brought a huge bag full of bibles and tried to pass them out. I felt like tossing it into the water but didn't.
Nothing much happened in my life for two years until I met VIkki. And I already told that story....
Oh, and I forgot to mention Kevin's domestic life. He and his male partner were helping to raise a young black boy who only had a single mother. One time Kevin had confessed to me he hated himself and his situation so bad that he wished he could murder his partner and the boy... so he broke up the relationship.
