Let me preface this post by saying that I am not looking for pity nor am I even looking for advice. I just need to get this out there and this seems like the only place that I can do so as there is really no one that I feel I can talk to (or at least do so comfortably). Therefore, please don't see this as a cry for help because the only person who can help me is myself. It's simply a public cry with no rhyme or reason. So please don't expect a well thought out or coherent post more than a ramble.
I really have reached a stand still where I no longer no where I am going or what to do with myself. Despite my certainty with transitioning and my transgender status, I just don't know if I will ever get to a good place in life. I've had some successes in my life, but they were brief and never got me further than where I was at that very moment. All my academic success means nothing in the grand scheme of things nor does my past leadership roles. They were just temporary accomplishments that really didn't move me any further from where I started. As for happiness, I guess I don't know what that feels like. Yes, I have had temporary feelings of happiness and it's not a totally foreign concept to me, but it was never anything that was long lasting. That's not to say that I have been miserable or depressed through most of my life either. Without having the ability to articulate it, I don't feel that either one of those emotions can describe how I feel. It's more of a feeling like I have been defeated and winning is not possible no matter how hard I try. Yeah, there are temp victories, but they go away and with that so does my sense of well being or positive outlook. At the end of the day, I just see my life as a losing battle. No matter how hard I try, I'm not going to win. Of course we all have our successes and failures, but I just don't see a way for me to win at the game of life. And that aurora of lingering failure and inability to succeed haunts me in terms of whether I can actually succeed in my transition and my overall hopes for a happy future. Some may say I have too many expectations; however, I don't feel that's accurate. Sure, I have my dreams and there are things that I wish become a reality. Still, I realize that life isn't always perfect and dreams don't always become true. All I really want is to be the real me without fear, enough money to make it through life, love and acceptance from my family and hopefully one day a partner and family of my own. That in itself would be a dream worth living.
At the moment, I don't see that dream ever coming true. My mother, the person who I love the most in this world, is destroying me. She thinks her tears and opposition is saving me, but all it does is put me through an emotional hell that I can't tolerate. Everyday it comes up and it never ends. I'm not expecting her to be happy with my decision. I just want her to try a little bit to empathize with me and respect me to a degree. However, my family can't understand me and don't even make the effort to try and get to that point. As a result, we always clash and fight about this. It's sad to say, but I don't know if they ever will come around. And despite my efforts to try and educate my family and work through the rough spots, there isn't any major progress. Yes, we still love each other and things have calmed down (i.e, she no longer threatens to kick me out), but it's far from ideal and I don't know if it will ever happen. The worst feeling is to know that you are viewed as a disgusting disapointment by the one you love the most. Even though she avoids saying those things, you can read it in her face. She's horrified by me and my feelings. It's really earth shattering. That's the best wya I can put it.
As for being the real me, that is complicated. I'm getting to the point where people are guessing as I have a more ambiguous appearance. I'm even embracing this with some excitement because, after all, this what most of us look forward to when transitioning. Nonetheless, there have been hardships. I've been getting nasty stares, confusing looks and even had an old women mutter "eww" at me when she noticed my newly forming breasts. I really worry about how others perceive me and can't help but notice some of the negative feedback that I've been receiving from those who stare at me. While I know who I am and how I feel, will anyone ever really embrace me? I assume most people will just see me as a disgusting trans person. What kind of guy will fall in love with someone like me? After all most men are turned off by girls like me and I can't have children so some may see a long term relationship as impossible? And what sort of people would really want to befriend a person like me? And who would want such a person for long term employment? At the end of the day, we all want to be true to ourselves, but it sucks that doing so can lead us to a lonely path. I really can't imagine being accepted as female or accepted for who I am. That's a sad possibility that I really don't want to face. And it's that very fear that keeps me from coming out and being the real me. It's that constant need to hide even when people seem to see through it.
And passing.... well, I still don't. Yeah I am more ambiguous and my hormones have finally reached an ideal level so things should start really improving, but I don't know what the future holds. I'm luckier than many transwomen in the sense that I started young an have certain beneficial traits, but will I ever compare to a cis woman? Will I ever get to feel pretty or attractive? I really don't know. Time will tell, but I'm scared. Still, I don't wish to discount my progress. I have come a long way in a short period of time and have made drastic improvements, especially in the last few weeks. But not knowing where I will end up is really hard to take and leaves me feeling worried.
As for money, the thing that sustains us, I don't know if that will ever be stable. I'm employed at the moment, but who knows what can or will happen. Life is uncertain and I suspect I will be starting from square one all over again. Let's be honest, most people don't want to hire a person that is in the midst of transition and my current job is temp with only vague possibilities of becoming permanent. I've lived the vicious cycle of unemployment for so long that the idea of facing it again terrifies me. Most people know where they are going, but I'm just making it by with what I have. To start over again and find something new in this economy is very scary. How can I live or continue without a source of income? It's a horrible feeling. In order to transition, one needs money. There really is no ifs and buts about it. You need to be able to finance it. If I can't do so, then how do I succeed in continuing my transition? I will find a way regardless because I need to do this for my own happiness and sanity, but it's so hard when you are living on the edge.
I'm sorry for the long rant, but I just feel like I am against the impossible. Victory in my life seems impossible to me and I've had so much negative reinforcement that I expect failure at all times. My past failures have conditioned me to prepare for failure and to scoff at the idea that I will overcome my struggles and find happiness or success in any avenue of life (especially transitioning). I just don't know what to do or how to keep moving forward. Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up from it. Not because I'm suicidal (I'm really not as I don't want to die), but just so I wouldn't have to get up and keep worrying about the uncertainties of my life and continue on suffering through the constant battles. It's tiresome and I just wish there was some stability in my life and that not everything would have to be a guessing game of what will be. Just a little positive feedback or some sort of improvement would be welcomed. But I realize how fickle life is and that the gamble is often against me.
In any event, sorry for rambling but I had to get this out to someone. Sorry for being a downer, but sometimes we have to let out the negativity in order to keep moving forward. And I'm sorry if this triggers anyone because I don't mean to hurt anyone through my venting. I'm just being honest about how I feel at the moment; however, there are good aspects to life as well and we should always do our best to focus on that when possible. In any case, thanks for listening to my rambling. It's therapeutic at the very least to unleash our negative feelings.
