Support for caregivers of elderly parents

[mowdan6]

I have been the primary caregiver for my Dad for over a year.  I love my dad and want to help him.  Problem is, my dad is the most negative person you could ever meet.  And in the past few months, it's gotten worse.  I haven't had problems with the major depression I dealt with for a long time.  Now, in dealing with my dad, it is rearing it's ugly head.  And it's all coming back.  All the things I have put behind me, now again in my face.  And, I have to deal with it because my dad has ticked everyone off to the point I am all he has.  And how to deal with him without losing myself. 

[Valerie]

Oh, yes, caregiver support is crucial.  I work for hospice & hear stories from caregivers all the time.  You want to avoid slipping back into that depression as well as caregiver burnout in general.

Depending on the level of care your dad needs, you might explore having his primary care physician write an order for home health care.  If you're in the US & Dad has Medicare, they should be able to cover some home care to alleviate some of the burden.  You'll want to talk with Dad's MD to see if he thinks it's warranted.  You can also call some home health agencies in your area to ask what their general criteria are, but eventually they'd need a doctor's order to evaluate & provide services.  And if Dad doesn't qualify for home health right now, you'll at least have info for the future.  The Medicare website listed below allows you to evaluate home health agencies in your area--probably a good idea to still talk to some anyway....then you might even be able to ask Dad's MD to refer to a specific company. 

http://www.medicare.gov/homehealthcompare/?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

Some communities also have caregiver workshops.  You can contact your local hospice or even the home health agencies or United Way might have knowledge of any caregiver resources in your area.  I'll see if I can drum up anything else while I'm here on a real PC for a little while. 

Best of luck & hang in there,
~V

[mowdan6]

Thanks Valerie for the input.  My dad is a veteran, so he has support from social workers, doctors, nurses.  But my dad is a hard cookie.  He won't accept any help unless it is from family.  He has totally alienated my sister and now, I am all he has.  Even the people at the VA that deal with him continually call me and ask me for ideas of how to help my dad.  And yea, I love my dad, but I am getting to the point I dread going to see him at all.  Everyone I talk to at the VA says the same thing.  With his negativity....there is only so much they can do.

[Valerie]

Oy, a real piss-ant, huh? 

Ya' know, I'm no expert, but I wonder if it might come down to putting your cards on the table.  Tell him, "Dad, I can do this, this, and this for you, but not that, that, or that.  And if you can't do those things yourself, you tell me how we're going to get those needs met.  You can let me get some folks in here to help me help you, or figure something else out, but I cannot do it all."

This web connection I'm using is slow so I couldn't scroll to read the whole articles, but they might be a start for some ideas on keeping your sanity.


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/201004/the-eldercaring-challenge-caring-difficult-parent

http://www.agingcare.com/Caregiver-Support

[mowdan6]

Thanks Valerie.  I will check these out.  The hardest part is having no one to talk to.  Having no supports.  With my transition, I have tried to maintain friendships, but I find myself alone.  And now dealing with my dad, it's hard.  He never accepted me until he found out I am all he has.   And all he cares about is him.  Complain, complain, complain.  He is so into himself that nothing else matters.  And I know I am all he has.  and I don't know how much longer I can do it.

[Valerie]

I am so sorry, hon. 

The second link in my last post has a section on dealing with parents' bad behaviour.  I actually sent it to my Mom just now, too. 

Are you seeing a therapist?  Or perhaps, if you're religious, do you have a pastor or deacon you might talk with? 

[mowdan6]

Hey Valerie.  Thanks for the support.  No, I have no one in my life.  I have tried to maintain relationships to the point of giving up myself.  Only to find that no one is interested.  I have always tried to be a  friend, easy going, letting go of people that are none accepting, but to no avail.  I was even told this year by my sister, that I can do Christmas with them only if they can treat me any way they wish.  And I think, give me  a break.  I have been living my life as a man for 10 years now only to give you the permission to treat me as female? 

[Devlyn]

Big hug, mowdan! I was out yesterday and missed your thread. But I see you've been getting some great advice and support already.  I'm always here for you, too.  (Well, other than yesterday! ) Hugs, Devlyn