A Diagram To The Roots of My Depression

[King Malachite]

After all these years I am finally figuring out why I just get so depressed all the time.  I realized from the diagram I drew that many of these problems were linked to being transgendered not that it's a bad thing anymore but it's good to know where my issues are coming from. I thought I would share this diagram.  Forgive me for my terrible handwritting.  The paper this was written on dates back to my second grade year and the marker was clunky in size.  It can be confusing so I will explain each of them.




I've found that being transgendered has affected me physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually, romantically, and in the future financially.  I underlined financially because I haven't actually shelled out any money towards transitioning yet but I'm saving.

Aside from being transgendered, my next biggest problem came from my weight concern.  I would over eat because I felt horrible in my female body and I hated it.  I didn't respect my body enough to take care of it and now I'm dealing with the problem of obesity.  Now because I'm obese I struggle trying to find romance because of my low-self esteem and low confidence.  My struggles romantically can be mirrored socially.  As a child I was always teased, bullied and harassed for my weight and liking females so that shot my confidence and self-esteem to an all new low.  It affected me both mentally and emotionally.  I began to think about more morbid and grusesome thoughts and put up a barrier between people and me.  I thought everyone was just out to get me and in the I did let them in I would be a jerk to them to push them away.  I figured that they are just going to hurt me first so I better let them go before they can do so.  I am very cold and emotionally distant now.  My mental and emotional health affected each other so there are interchangable.

When it comes to my sex life (primarily with myself) that is non-existant.  I will try not to be as graphic with details on this particular thread but it just doesn't work.  The only thing I feel is pain physically and emotionally so I am always pent up....so much for a stress reliever lol.

Growing up in a Christain enviorment didn't help for obvious reasons and I'm still not even officially out as transgendered to my family even though I suspect they know but it still causes emotional stress.

Wondering how I will be able to finance my transition as well as keep up with the daily funds for life is always on my mind which affects me at an emotional level but if I can get the funds then I will be happy.  For now I just have to save as much as a can for top surgery at least.

I think that covered the basics of it all. As you can see it's a big web of things that are connected. As you can see most of these are pointing to emotions but it is getting better though.  I just need to handle each situation one at a time.  Your thoughts?

[Felix]

I think it's really cool that you're approaching it rationally and methodically and honestly. That takes guts and presence of mind.

[King Malachite]

I think it's really cool that you're approaching it rationally and methodically and honestly. That takes guts and presence of mind.

Thank you!  I think the hardest part for me was to actually stop being lazy and to draw it out.  I actually had to redo it 3 times to get it right.

[Kreuzfidel]

Malachite, that is brilliant.  You can take each issue you have and trace it back to your being trans and use that as you're doing - a tool to help you wade througha lifetime of feeling like crap about yourself but maybe never knowing just how interconnected your different issues are. I was thinking of doing something similar and you've really inspired me.  I don't think that cisfolk realise how much of our lives are affected and undermined by our being trans.  A chart like this could be helpful to family and friends and even doctors and therapists. Well done!

[King Malachite]

Malachite, that is brilliant.  You can take each issue you have and trace it back to your being trans and use that as you're doing - a tool to help you wade througha lifetime of feeling like crap about yourself but maybe never knowing just how interconnected your different issues are. I was thinking of doing something similar and you've really inspired me.  I don't think that cisfolk realise how much of our lives are affected and undermined by our being trans.  A chart like this could be helpful to family and friends and even doctors and therapists. Well done!

Thank you so much!  I've thought about showing this to my therapist when I start.  It's not too hard to follow and could be fun to do.  It made me feel like an investigator.  I only wish I had a bigger sheet of paper to make the arrows more concise.  If you decide to do something similar I would love to see it sometime and it could make other people want to do one for their own selves.  Talk about unleashing the emotions in the least invasive way 

[JoanneB]

I went through a similar exercise myself a couple of years ago. Not having an artistic bone in my body it was all mental. And like you I traced many of the ills or "bad things" that happened to me, back to being trans. Probably from the first 10 extra pounds I put on as a kid to the carpet being pulled out from under my life 3 years ago now.

Yep, after having lots of "alone" time with nothing to do, besides watching bad shows on the tele, I got to contemplate on my life. Came to the conclusion that stuffing and avoidance is probably not the best way to handle being trans.  Hey, it only took 40+ years to figure it out. I'm infamous for being thick headed 

[RhinoP]

My chart isn't too complex : depression <--- loneliness <--- being ugly (as a man or woman) <--- needs facial surgery and hormones <--- too poor <---  <--- I'm trans. I can't name anything else in my life that's bothering me, really, though things will really build up soon because my entire life has been put on hold and I can't hold it out much longer.


_{edit-racial comment - forum admin}

[Felix]

My chart isn't too complex : depression <--- loneliness <--- being ugly (as a man or woman) <--- needs facial surgery and hormones <--- too poor <--- government helps out pregnant black women more than me <--- I'm trans. I can't name anything else in my life that's bothering me, really, though things will really build up soon because my entire life has been put on hold and I can't hold it out much longer.

So, just so it doesn't look like I'm shooting and ducking and running, your having a problem with "pregnant black women" is painting with a really broad and coarse brush, and it makes you look both naive and heartless. That's really hurtful language.

[King Malachite]

So, just so it doesn't look like I'm shooting and ducking and running, your having a problem with "pregnant black women" is painting with a really broad and coarse brush, and it makes you look both naive and heartless. That's really hurtful language.

I agree with Felix.  There are a lot of other people that the government helps out more than us.

[Annah]

My chart isn't too complex : depression <--- loneliness <--- being ugly (as a man or woman) <--- needs facial surgery and hormones <--- too poor <--- government helps out pregnant black women more than me <--- I'm trans. I can't name anything else in my life that's bothering me, really, though things will really build up soon because my entire life has been put on hold and I can't hold it out much longer.

how about if we use language that is less racist next time?

[RhinoP]

I just don't like that A. I can't move into the projects cuz I'll have so much harassment from the "African American" community it's unreal (I can't go to the mall as it is without getting harassed and threatened by "African Americans" for all sorts of things.), which means I can't in turn apply for practical health benefits cuz (I believe) my state's plan requires you to live in the government housing already, and B. Because of this sociological and financial mix of things, black women who get pregnant by choice of their own end (pregnancy doesn't happen because the stork flies through your window) up being the ones who get benefits more than almost anyone in this country. It practically says so on the TennCare website - "You basically don't get crap if you're not pregnant.", and then it says on another page "You don't get crap unless you live in government housing." The most I can get myself, being a male that is not pregnant, over 21, and isn't on unemployment because of an accident or previous layoff, is health insurance that only covers major accidents (not doctors visits), and then I can get food stamps. And the horrid insurance plans I can apply to aren't cheap, like $200 a month I think. Maybe $135. It'd work out if my rent was around $80 (what I believe folks in the government housing pay), but around where I live, there really isn't anything for young adults who have nothing and no job. Just to rent a normal place is around $500 a month, $800-$1,000 the first month. I believe in some circumstances the government indeed can send you a check for a non-government housing residence, but I'm sure they're not off paying people's down payments and any more than 1/4  their rent. Quite frankly, I just don't think anyone who's pregnant should recieve any more benefits than someone who isn't, apart from the costs to have the child at the hospital. Having a baby is a choice. Having parents that hate you and kick you out is not.

I'm seriously thinking about applying for government housing, even if it is a dangerous area. Worst that could happen is someone could pull up to me while I'm walking down the street, demand my money, and shoot me, it probably wouldn't happen in the day. I'll have to be honest about this here even if it sounds harsh, but in my town, there really are "African American" communities that you just do not step a toe in if you don't belong to a certain race, or even to a certain gang. But as long as I watch my back, it may be something that could jump start my entire life, and I'd only plan on living there until I get enough funds to move somewhere else. I absolutely just need somewhere in a public transportation area to stay at until I get a job, or else, I'll never find a job. Also, absolutely no insurence plans out there cover FFS, the #1 thing I'm saving for, so I really just need all the savings I can get. If I don't want to commit suicide in, say, a year, I need to sustain a living on no more than $200 a month and well - to be very frank, I believe you really have to live in the projects to accomplish that. It's a tough jump.

[King Malachite]

I just don't like that A. I can't move into the projects cuz I'll have so much harassment from the "African American" community it's unreal (I can't go to the mall as it is without getting harassed and threatened by "African Americans" for all sorts of things.), which means I can't in turn apply for practical health benefits cuz (I believe) my state's plan requires you to live in the government housing already, and B. Because of this sociological and financial mix of things, black women who get pregnant by choice of their own end (pregnancy doesn't happen because the stork flies through your window) up being the ones who get benefits more than almost anyone in this country. It practically says so on the TennCare website - "You basically don't get crap if you're not pregnant.", and then it says on another page "You don't get crap unless you live in government housing." The most I can get myself, being a male that is not pregnant, over 21, and isn't on unemployment because of an accident or previous layoff, is health insurance that only covers major accidents (not doctors visits), and then I can get food stamps. And the horrid insurance plans I can apply to aren't cheap, like $200 a month I think. Maybe $135. It'd work out if my rent was around $80 (what I believe folks in the government housing pay), but around where I live, there really isn't anything for young adults who have nothing and no job. Just to rent a normal place is around $500 a month, $800-$1,000 the first month. I believe in some circumstances the government indeed can send you a check for a non-government housing residence, but I'm sure they're not off paying people's down payments and any more than 1/4  their rent. Quite frankly, I just don't think anyone who's pregnant should recieve any more benefits than someone who isn't, apart from the costs to have the child at the hospital. Having a baby is a choice. Having parents that hate you and kick you out is not.

I'm seriously thinking about applying for government housing, even if it is a dangerous area. Worst that could happen is someone could pull up to me while I'm walking down the street, demand my money, and shoot me, it probably wouldn't happen in the day. I'll have to be honest about this here even if it sounds harsh, but in my town, there really are "African American" communities that you just do not step a toe in if you don't belong to a certain race, or even to a certain gang. But as long as I watch my back, it may be something that could jump start my entire life, and I'd only plan on living there until I get enough funds to move somewhere else. I absolutely just need somewhere in a public transportation area to stay at until I get a job, or else, I'll never find a job. Also, absolutely no insurence plans out there cover FFS, the #1 thing I'm saving for, so I really just need all the savings I can get. If I don't want to commit suicide in, say, a year, I need to sustain a living on no more than $200 a month and well - to be very frank, I believe you really have to live in the projects to accomplish that. It's a tough jump.

Whatever you say but there are other ethnic groups who are on government assistance too and it's not right to call one of them out.  I've seen young female teenagers get pregnant and need government assistance from all different colors and backgrounds from white, hispanic, native american, etc. you name it.  The words "pregnant women" would be a more sensitive and would have delivered the same effect.

[Felix]

I just don't like that A. I can't move into the projects cuz I'll have so much harassment from the "African American" community it's unreal (I can't go to the mall as it is without getting harassed and threatened by "African Americans" for all sorts of things.), which means I can't in turn apply for practical health benefits cuz (I believe) my state's plan requires you to live in the government housing already, and B. Because of this sociological and financial mix of things, black women who get pregnant by choice of their own end (pregnancy doesn't happen because the stork flies through your window) up being the ones who get benefits more than almost anyone in this country. It practically says so on the TennCare website - "You basically don't get crap if you're not pregnant.", and then it says on another page "You don't get crap unless you live in government housing." The most I can get myself, being a male that is not pregnant, over 21, and isn't on unemployment because of an accident or previous layoff, is health insurance that only covers major accidents (not doctors visits), and then I can get food stamps. And the horrid insurance plans I can apply to aren't cheap, like $200 a month I think. Maybe $135. It'd work out if my rent was around $80 (what I believe folks in the government housing pay), but around where I live, there really isn't anything for young adults who have nothing and no job. Just to rent a normal place is around $500 a month, $800-$1,000 the first month. I believe in some circumstances the government indeed can send you a check for a non-government housing residence, but I'm sure they're not off paying people's down payments and any more than 1/4  their rent. Quite frankly, I just don't think anyone who's pregnant should recieve any more benefits than someone who isn't, apart from the costs to have the child at the hospital. Having a baby is a choice. Having parents that hate you and kick you out is not.

I'm seriously thinking about applying for government housing, even if it is a dangerous area. Worst that could happen is someone could pull up to me while I'm walking down the street, demand my money, and shoot me, it probably wouldn't happen in the day. I'll have to be honest about this here even if it sounds harsh, but in my town, there really are "African American" communities that you just do not step a toe in if you don't belong to a certain race, or even to a certain gang. But as long as I watch my back, it may be something that could jump start my entire life, and I'd only plan on living there until I get enough funds to move somewhere else. I absolutely just need somewhere in a public transportation area to stay at until I get a job, or else, I'll never find a job. Also, absolutely no insurence plans out there cover FFS, the #1 thing I'm saving for, so I really just need all the savings I can get. If I don't want to commit suicide in, say, a year, I need to sustain a living on no more than $200 a month and well - to be very frank, I believe you really have to live in the projects to accomplish that. It's a tough jump.

Half the other stuff you said that I've skimmed ($80?) I'm going to just ignore, because I can't get all analytical right now, really, but I bolded the first weird bit I came across, and that's just untrue ramblings. In fact I'm starting to feel stupid for even letting myself be baited by this. If you aren't trolling, are you okay? This sounds really bitter and intense. Feel free to PM me if you want. Maybe you just feel separate because your culture and skin look so different from others in your situation. I've been treated like garbage for being white, and I won't deny that it happens. But most of what you said is still pretty crazy.

[KillBelle]

To be completely honest, I had my surgery at 21, I pass 99% of the time,  I have a great job, I am madly in love with the most wonderful man in the world,  and his parents absolutely adore me. Things seem to be great, however, I am still dealing with depression, I grapple with it every day and no matter what i do...it is hard to climb out of it. People feel that SRS or passing all the time is the real key to freedom, but it isn't always so....the real key is to develop a healthy relationship with YOURSELF, and to love yourself unconditionally.

Hello this is why people require that you enter therapy before you transition, because you need to be in the right state of mind both mentally and emotionally. You may have bought yourself the perfect vagina/penis....but if things aren't patched correctly up north...you will not be fully content.

Also, take the time to enjoy what you have "down there"...i lost mine way too soon and in too much of a hurry and now i honestly do miss it...it was a large part of my life for 21 years.

[Shaina]

Whatever you say but there are other ethnic groups who are on government assistance too and it's not right to call one of them out.  I've seen young female teenagers get pregnant and need government assistance from all different colors and backgrounds from white, hispanic, native american, etc. you name it.  The words "pregnant women" would be a more sensitive and would have delivered the same effect.

I definitely agree! In fact, there are a considerable number of veterans that are now receiving benefits for the same reasons Malachite mentioned.

In any case, I think a diagram is a very good way to express yourself and help others to understand you.

[King Malachite]

Whoaaaa total thread necromancy.  At any rate, thanks    I still have that diagram.