About a few years ago or so I found myself in a wonderful new group of friends that my best friend John from high school and his girlfriend Ali introduced me to. I was the youngest until I introduced my best friend Jane to everyone during a Halloween party in 2011 who got into a good relationship which has still been going on. It went on pretty fine with these people for the first couple years, was enjoying them and the nerdom that naturally followed. Even having a going away celebration for John when he moved into the city last year which is an hour away. Then after I came out 14 months ago and subsequent hospitalization things began going sour. I had a funk going on in the few months after I got out of the hospital. A couple of my friends who I live in the same town and hangout the most with noticed my mental deterioration which I wasn't aware of and failed to do anything about it. I began really isolating myself from everyone to the point where I would be hanging out and only saying a few words the whole day. When they did tell me it was a huge over emotional event last Christmas over lots of bad drama llama stuff that I got caught in the crossfires of. A couple months after I finally came to, I said my apologies, sought to move on and reconnect with everyone. But it wasn't the same, my best friend Jane whom I knew and was a brother to since I started college and Ali began getting very close with each other at my expense. Usually it was the three of us since we all live in the same town. It went from the three of us being best buds, to me being a third wheel and now me being completely left out of the picture, I have been overlooked this fall for various events for many supposed reasons. Most recently when all my friends went to a Doctor Who themed bar called the Way Station for the 50th anniversary special of Doctor Who. Throughout the past months they would always talk about it in front of me, sometimes in length without even asking me if I wanted to go as I am also a fan even though I haven't seen the whole series.
On the transgender side of the issue they have been subtly transphobic to me, only now I'm catching on because of a slight case of PDD. It all started out when I arrived a bit late to a Halloween party last year and a friend who was hosting it just outed me in front of a bunch of strangers and some people who I haven't told by introducing me as Julia which led to a lot of awkwardness. During the rest of that fall because of my mental condition at the time they kept very strongly telling me not to start hormones because I'm trying to rush through everything. No one took any time to try to understand my situation and how it would and has helped a lot with my depression and body image. They would often make "->-bleeped-<-" jokes in front of me until it took me several times to get through to them about how offensive it was to me. They would commonly become confused at me when I came out as predominantly a lesbian. They told me I was confusing them and not making sense that I prefer to date women, in their heads apparently men become women to date other men. Sure they have started really using my name Julie and female pronouns but they have done nothing else to try and support me at all. When I told them recently I was changing my name again because I haven't been liking Julie anymore they refused to try and even call me by my new name until I can stick with it, which is now Riley Skye btw. I said that one of the ways for me to really see if it was working is to actually try to use it, which in fact I'm loving Riley Skye a lot more than Julie Marie.
I tried throughout the year to mend everything but I just gave up trying to communicate with them because I would always initiate everything. I'm tired of being part of a group that's been viewing me as an extra wheel at best to a burden at worst. It seems to me that no one is caring about my opinions and what I want to do. Going so far as my birthday amusement park trip being controlled by what Jane and Ali wanted to do without bothering to hear me out. No one can care less about my athletics, they just write me off as crazy for training and competing in triathlon, let alone the Ironman triathlon. They just simply write off any other interests I have and are never bothering to call or text or IM me on facebook. I'm done with these people, I'm tired and done with trying to reach out with my feels and only getting "constructively criticized" on the off occasions I do get through. I'm breaking off my friendship to these people who will do nothing to try to talk and listen to me. It's been making me cry almost every night this month that these people who I've grown to love and trust over the years would just abandon me like that when I become an inconvenience to them. It's BS how no one has any empathy towards the transgender kid suffering from various mental illnesses. It's been hard as I've been only close with one person, who's outside the group this year but on the other hand I'm hopeful. Since I came out and went to my new school and started going to a trans support group I've meet a wonderful array of excellent queer and trans people in this rainbow bubble of fun, I've even reconnected to a good friend of mine last December who came out to me as trans himself. I'm trying to actually make some new friends no matter how hard it is, I just hope I can find people who will love and cherish me for who I am.
Sorry I needed a real feels dump. It's just been so hard personally and I just need to be able to reach out, thanks for listening to me.
