I'm going to tell my family...

[Shana-chan]

That I'm trans, that I'm really a female. I've got a rough idea of what I'm going to do and say etc. but any support, advice, and so on would be helpful and nice to have. I'm going to send them an email. It's the best way to avoid hurt imo since they'll have time to think on it all and then deal with it.

[Robin Mack]

I would definitely suggest beginning by letting them know you have put a lot of thought into it, that it isn't a whim, it has been with you a long time... stuff so they know it's not a phase.

Additionally, it would be nice if you let them know this isn't a result of anything they've done, they didn't *make* you trans.  I say this because, as a parent, I am often very worried about lasting damage my lack of skill or knowledge may have caused my children.

I also recommend you let them know about the WPATH standards, that it is a life-threatening condition, but that with transition there is an excellent reason to hope for positive results.

And finally, let them know you need them in your corner.  It hurts, as a parent, when your child is off in the world and there is little you can do for them.  It helps to know that they still need you, or at least your support.

*hug*

[Shana-chan]

I would definitely suggest beginning by letting them know you have put a lot of thought into it, that it isn't a whim, it has been with you a long time... stuff so they know it's not a phase.

Additionally, it would be nice if you let them know this isn't a result of anything they've done, they didn't *make* you trans.  I say this because, as a parent, I am often very worried about lasting damage my lack of skill or knowledge may have caused my children.

I also recommend you let them know about the WPATH standards, that it is a life-threatening condition, but that with transition there is an excellent reason to hope for positive results.

And finally, let them know you need them in your corner.  It hurts, as a parent, when your child is off in the world and there is little you can do for them.  It helps to know that they still need you, or at least your support.

*hug*

I am going to have a Q&A in the letter I write them so I planned to let them know I've put a tremendous amount of time into this and know who I truly am as a result. The one thing I didn't think to let them know was that it's not their fault. Thank you. I will include that into the letter.
What is WPATH? And yeah, I figured it'd be a good idea to let them know how hard it is being trans, what we have to go through and how we're treated and so on. I just hope my family will support me and be there for me.

[Robin Mack]

WPATH is the international standard of care for transgendered people.  It can help to look through it and to know that gender dysphoria is a world-recognized phenomenon with huge consequences and a fair degree of understanding within the medical community.  It's not perfect, but it does help.

Google "WPATH" or click here: WPATH

It's not an easy read, but it's pretty straightforward, and gives a good overview of the "model" transition process.

[Lauren5]

God luck to you. I sent an email to my sister yesterday morning. She hasn't replied, not sure if it's out of fear, disgust, or that she simply hasn't checked her email yet.
Best of luck again, sis.

[Gina Taylor]

I would definitely suggest beginning by letting them know you have put a lot of thought into it, that it isn't a whim, it has been with you a long time... stuff so they know it's not a phase.

Additionally, it would be nice if you let them know this isn't a result of anything they've done, they didn't *make* you trans.  I say this because, as a parent, I am often very worried about lasting damage my lack of skill or knowledge may have caused my children.

I also recommend you let them know about the WPATH standards, that it is a life-threatening condition, but that with transition there is an excellent reason to hope for positive results.

And finally, let them know you need them in your corner.  It hurts, as a parent, when your child is off in the world and there is little you can do for them.  It helps to know that they still need you, or at least your support.

*hug*

I agree 100% with what Robin has said. I've spent a long time getting a 9 page package ready for my mother since she's going to be the hardest to convince, and I just sent a 2 page letter to my sister, my cousin has known about it since October and she and her husband are coming down for Christmas and now all I've got left is my other sister. Lots of luck with your parents and I really hope that they're open minded and very accepting of the situation. 

[musicofthenight]

Kinda repeating this, but it helps me and I'm not sure I was clear enough.

When dealing with people in conflict, both minor and major conflicts, things work out a lot better if you put energy into understanding your counterparty.  This means you have to be curious, ask questions, affirm feelings.  It's very hard when you're having a hard time dealing with your own doubts to tackle someone else's.


I actually think a talk is better than a letter.  Write letters before and after to gather your thoughts and remember how you feel, but don't send them.  And not just one talk.  It's probably going to take several to stick.

ganbatte yo, Shana-chan

[TerriT]

Jeez, you all are so thoughtful. I'm sticking with a text. Doesn't seem like something I'd like to drop at Christmas dinner which is the next time I'll see my family anyway. Unless everyone stares at my boobs.

I do like Robin's tips though. Maybe I should incorporate that. Seems like good advice. Good luck Shana!

[Marieee]

Hi Shana!

That's great to hear you plan on telling them!

I may have to take musicofthenight's side on this. When I told my Sister I wanted to wait until it was first face to face because they live out of state. I just think it helps them know how definite you are on your feelings.

And yes definitly like Robin said, let them know about things like WPATH, so they can grab an understanding if there having a difficult time, because I remember telling my sister that it was a very real thing and talking to her how it's possible for men to feel like women and vice versa and she said she could kind of see that in me and other people.

Either way you choose to tell them, I hope that everyone is as understanding to you as my sis was to me!

[Shana-chan]

Thanks everyone for all the support. It really means a lot to me.

Well, after 8 hrs plus 2 days of searching for stuff and then some I finally sent them the email I wrote them. (The letter I said I'd send) I had already let them know I'd send an extremely important email tonight and I needed for them to read it plus since the letter idea came from someone else and not knowing how they'd react, I figured to avoid being hurt and a fight it was best to send them an email instead of over the phone or in person. Sadly I left out a few things but I can always tell them later I guess. Now I just wait and see what happens... I'll let ya'll know what does happen, hopefully it's good and they support me. The only person in my family who I had already told was my sister. She loves and accepts me for who I am and calls me her sister and a she. She's been there for me when I needed her and I love her all the more for that, I just hope the rest of my family will do the same. Btw I say family but it's really just my Dad and step mom I'm telling. We'll have to figure out a way to tell the rest of the family later. Right now though, it's going to be difficult presenting as female in public because of the fear and worry I'll be found out and be treated wrongly/differently because of it but I 've told myself I would do this from here on out. The only place I won't be doing this just yet is my job...any advice there and advice on how to get them to stop calling me "Sir" without telling them I'm trans?

WPATH is the international standard of care for transgendered people.  It can help to look through it and to know that gender dysphoria is a world-recognized phenomenon with huge consequences and a fair degree of understanding within the medical community.  It's not perfect, but it does help.

Google "WPATH" or click here: WPATH

It's not an easy read, but it's pretty straightforward, and gives a good overview of the "model" transition process.

Ah thank you for telling me. It may come in handy but that's a lot to read. So in short it's basically a guide to explaining what trans is, how real it is, what can be done including the treatments and how important it is to have the treatments in most cases?

God luck to you. I sent an email to my sister yesterday morning. She hasn't replied, not sure if it's out of fear, disgust, or that she simply hasn't checked her email yet.
Best of luck again, sis.

Or it might be she just needs some time to process it and figure out what to say to you. If that's the case then imo that's possibly a good thing. I hope it works out for you and best of luck to you too.

I agree 100% with what Robin has said. I've spent a long time getting a 9 page package ready for my mother since she's going to be the hardest to convince, and I just sent a 2 page letter to my sister, my cousin has known about it since October and she and her husband are coming down for Christmas and now all I've got left is my other sister. Lots of luck with your parents and I really hope that they're open minded and very accepting of the situation. 

Coincidence maybe but two people here telling their sister and I think that's about as long as my email was after I finished it all. Haha Like you I believe my Dad is going to be VERY hard to convince, less so for my step mom since I got to hear her views on trans people which were for the most part good. I have no clue how my Dad will react though. :/Anyway good luck with your sister and telling your other sister along with your mom and I hope it works out for all of us.

Kinda repeating this, but it helps me and I'm not sure I was clear enough.

When dealing with people in conflict, both minor and major conflicts, things work out a lot better if you put energy into understanding your counterparty.  This means you have to be curious, ask questions, affirm feelings.  It's very hard when you're having a hard time dealing with your own doubts to tackle someone else's.


I actually think a talk is better than a letter.  Write letters before and after to gather your thoughts and remember how you feel, but don't send them.  And not just one talk.  It's probably going to take several to stick.

ganbatte yo, Shana-chan

Umm, I kinda get what you're saying.
Yeah a letter (Or email in this case) is what I believe to be the best thing to do and have already done so. I don't really like wasting my life writing something up if I'm not going to send/post it and odds are I wouldn't read it or re-read it after I wrote it.

Arigato Music-san

Jeez, you all are so thoughtful. I'm sticking with a text. Doesn't seem like something I'd like to drop at Christmas dinner which is the next time I'll see my family anyway. Unless everyone stares at my boobs.

I do like Robin's tips though. Maybe I should incorporate that. Seems like good advice. Good luck Shana!

I would recommend doing a Q&A if you can. somewhere in this site I came across a thread for what questions/answers people asked/said to them. That gave me the idea to do a Q&A so it'd not only answer most of their questions but let them know who and what I am better and let them know so much more that helped strengthen what I was saying. I even pasted stuff which further helped to strengthen what I was saying. Thanks and you too Tiffany!

Hi Shana!

That's great to hear you plan on telling them!

I may have to take musicofthenight's side on this. When I told my Sister I wanted to wait until it was first face to face because they live out of state. I just think it helps them know how definite you are on your feelings.

And yes definitly like Robin said, let them know about things like WPATH, so they can grab an understanding if there having a difficult time, because I remember telling my sister that it was a very real thing and talking to her how it's possible for men to feel like women and vice versa and she said she could kind of see that in me and other people.

Either way you choose to tell them, I hope that everyone is as understanding to you as my sis was to me!

Hello Marieee, nice to meet you. Yup it is great I sent them the email (Unless it turns into a nightmare....) though it's going to be a bigger challenge ging outside in public as myself. But, I can do it, I just need to not let the fear and worry of being found out and being treated differently control me.

True, but it also comes with not knowing how they'll react, if they'll listen to you and not walk off and avoid a fight possibly. Plus it's not like I can't repeat myself but this time in front of them if need be though hopefully not. Hopefully they'll believe me after having shown them what little proof I could find that we're telling them the truth and all that I said and such. Though, I do know there are some people that simply won't get it or listen to what you tell them, will even ignor the proof that's staring them right in the face.

Thanks, I do too and glad it worked out for both of our sisters understanding us.

[Missy~rmdlm]

It's a good idea to get it done, but I hope you have exhausted all possibilities first, the TS genie doesn't go back in the bottle, and I would never encourage anyone to proceed with transition unless they must. Therapy is always recommended.

[MaryXYX]

The only place I won't be doing this just yet is my job...any advice there and advice on how to get them to stop calling me "Sir" without telling them I'm trans?

Telling your employer is usually the same as "Going Full Time" and is certainly a point of no return.  In many places it's the end of the job too - that's illegal but it happens.  My feeling would be to leave it as long as possible and put up with the "Sir".

I do hope it goes well with your family.

[Shana-chan]

It's a good idea to get it done, but I hope you have exhausted all possibilities first, the TS genie doesn't go back in the bottle, and I would never encourage anyone to proceed with transition unless they must. Therapy is always recommended.

I've spent a TON of time making sure I am who I am and it is hurting me and making me depressed to be treated as a male and not being able to be myself. At home I've been wearing female clothing and lip stick for a year now. This isn't going to go away and I am who I am. I've pretty much hit a point to where unless my Dad or someone is willing to accept me and can help me then I can't even go to therapy let alone start on estrogen. I can't keep living this way, I've had TOO MUCH stolen from me and can't get it back (Such as not having the right body and having to grow up treated as the gender I'm not etc.) and each day I don't live as me, is another day that's stolen from me and we only have so long to live you know.

Telling your employer is usually the same as "Going Full Time" and is certainly a point of no return.  In many places it's the end of the job too - that's illegal but it happens.  My feeling would be to leave it as long as possible and put up with the "Sir".

I do hope it goes well with your family.

I know, it's wrong they do that to us and it's that fear/worry that scares me and is why atm I'm going full time out in public but not at work. I am put it hurts me and depresses me and makes me not happy when they call me "Sir" and I can't keep hanging in there being called "Sir" forever. Surely there's a way to ask them not to call me Sir without letting them know I'm trans?...

Oh and thanks.

[MaryXYX]

I know, it's wrong they do that to us and it's that fear/worry that scares me and is why atm I'm going full time out in public but not at work. I am put it hurts me and depresses me and makes me not happy when they call me "Sir" and I can't keep hanging in there being called "Sir" forever. Surely there's a way to ask them not to call me Sir without letting them know I'm trans?...

If it's the custom to address men as "Sir" I don't see how you could ask them not to.  Somebody else might have an idea but I don't.

I was presenting female in some public places before I let them know at work.  I knew it was risky - I could have run into a colleague.

[Rachel]

Good luck Shana, I will be thinking good thoughts and sending them your way.

[Shana-chan]

I told him NOT to send me an email or call me and he sends me not one but 2 emails anyway. The result is that he used God against me and gave his own life examples of bad choices he made. He flat out said what I do is my choice since I'm an adult but he said I can't be myself (Dress in woman's clothing, wear make up etc. including the nail polish I was wearing around him, the bastard!) around them this means I can't come out as who I am right now because I have to damn rely on him for stupid transportation! T^T I'm hurting right now and trying to hold the anger and tears back though I've already cried some. It doesn't help my sister is asleep now so I have no want to talk too even though she said if I needed her to call her.

WHY must I have to endure this crap and suffer this way and suppress who I truly am!? WHY GOD WHY!? T^T Why di you make me this way. wwwaaaaaa T^T

Needless to say he doesn't believe me, thinks I'm sinning and spouts crap about what unconditional love is and how we should judge people. Bull ->-bleeped-<-! I HATE HIM sometimes. I wish my Mama was still here. T^T He also said he wouldn't call me what I truly am and will only refer to me as how he's been referring to me. Actually he said they (Him and my Step Mom) but he's always controlling her and deciding things for her. Then he spouts crap about how they love me unconditionally and for me to be respectful and by doing as he said or else he won't take me anywhere and said do we have an understanding? Even though that means I'd die from not being able to eat and so on because I'd need to go to the grocery store. FINE see if I won't go hungry and die of starvation you bastard! Lets TEST your STUPID demand and unconditional love for me!

Excuse me, I'm having mixed emotions of hurt, angry, suppression, frustration and so on and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've gone through a ton ever since I was a kid, had to endure many wars between family etc. and is it too much to ask for peace and to be able to be myself and do what I want to do and be treated the way I want to be treated and to live a normal life? Is it?..........

Any advice on how to respond to his email and what to do?

[Lauren5]

I'm so sorry Shana. There's not much I can do besides this.

[Marieee]

Shana I'am sorry to hear that girl

But this isn't the end. It's important that there's peace in a relationship, but you have a right to keep fighting for yourself and what makes you happy.

I just keep telling myself it's my life and it's there problem if they can't get over it, not mine. They won't get it right away and who knows, in time they may come around, maybe not completely but at least have more acceptance and that they realize your not worth losing because of what you choose. Family means to be there for each other always, regardless and god should not come between you and yours.

Keeping you in my thoughts!
HUGS

[musicofthenight]

The first order of business is finding a safe outlet for your anger.  Personally, I like to beat the s*** out of something with a stick, then write horrible violent and disturbing poetry until I feel better.  Or at least feel something else.


My plan for a similar contingency is to say "Yes, you have that power over me now, and I'm very sad this is driving us apart.  But I want your help to become independent as soon as possible."

Something you need to puzzle out is where he's coming from emotionally.  I know sympathy is really, really, really hard but it's crucial to saving what you can of your relationship with him.  And I suspect you want to, even if you don't want to want to.



Still thinking about the "sir" issue.  Could I ask what you do, in what state, how long you've been at that job?  I can see some options, but there will be risk.

[warlockmaker]

I'm sad to hear it didn't go well. I'm still under stealth and I have only told my seperated wife who has been wonderful. Recently, she said that keeping this burden to herself was difficult and she asked me if she could talk with her mother - NO WAY RIGHT NOW. So I have arranged for her to talk with my therapist. I have been in therapy for two plus years.

I did'nt notice if you mentioned therapy because when I told my wife she asked me if I had considered this very carefully and that this was not just a whim. For the non savvy group like an old fashioned father who also consider any LGBT to be a correctable mental issue you may need to spend time in therapy and at some point in time have him talk with your therapist. Its really upsetting to fathers in particular - its a challenge to their male identity. Its also difficult for them as they want the best for you and this T stuff is far out there for most people. Be patient, work on yourself and let him know you will take professional advise. I know you are sure that you are a T girl but you can exhibit a flexibility for his sake and talk with a therapist more.