How come our experiences are all so different?

[onescaredquestion]

I never hated myself for it. I was always comfortable with feminine things and some boy things. My parents were really unusually accepting so they didn't much meddle, although father always encouraged me to be a traditional man and when I went 24/7, called it a phase. He was a little angry, but nothing abusive. Mostly he was disappointed. Though accepting, my family was very traditional about gender roles. I agree with them about the value of traditional gender roles, I just started out as the wrong gender.
I find it interesting too. Many people seem to reject anything traditional. I'm your basic  knitting, sewing, cooking, baking, scrubbing, cleaning, laundering housewife who prefers to work in jobs for females if and when she works. I want a husband who makes the decisions and is stronger than me. A husband who defends me and keeps me out of trouble and makes me feel his, a husband I can look up to. it makes me happy. Really.

[Julia-Madrid]

I now know I am MtF transgender, and I've been living full-time as a woman for five months. But I still don't feel like a woman. It still feels like I'm pretending so that I can keep living as a woman because it is so much more natural, because it's how I've always wished I could live, and because it is indescribably wonderful to see myself as feminine.

Hiya Suzi.  I really wonder what feeling like a woman actually means.  I've heard a few people say this.   What is the difference between feeling like and man and feeling like a woman?  Truly I don't know if such a thing exists.  You just are.  And if it's more natural to you to present and live as a woman, isn't that all the justification that's necessary?

My favourite phrase for this:  "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck."   You¡'re a duck now.  Quack!



Hugs
Julia

[Auroramarianna]

I have been girly since I know. At age 4, I played with girls only and wanted dolls and princess castles for my birthday's but my parents wouldn't give me. So I managed to ask for couples so I could have the female figure and also playmobil toys. By age 9, all my friend were girls but then my parents enrolled me in a Catholic school. Then when I was 14, I had an emotional breakdown for all the bullying and social exclusion I was suffering. I also never cross-dressed in my childhood, and have a pretty high voice, no beard, no sex drive, so I probably have low testosterone. Sometimes I think that's related to me being trans.

[trapsouldoor]

Hiya Suzi.  I really wonder what feeling like a woman actually means.  I've heard a few people say this.   What is the difference between feeling like and man and feeling like a woman?  Truly I don't know if such a thing exists.  You just are.  And if it's more natural to you to present and live as a woman, isn't that all the justification that's necessary?

My favourite phrase for this:  "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck."   You¡'re a duck now.  Quack!



Hugs
Julia

I'm not sure, either. At my first therapist appointment this week, I was asked if internally I felt male or female and couldn't really come up with a simple answer to it because all I know is what it feels like to be myself, with nothing else to compare it against. Though your post wasn't directed at me, I appreciate your reassurance on this, as I've been questioning my own feelings and judgment a lot in the past few days. I guess it's something we just have to learn to deal with.

[suzifrommd]

Hiya Suzi.  I really wonder what feeling like a woman actually means. 

I'm referring to the certainty that many feel that despite the shape of their body or the configuration of their chromosomes, that they are most definitely female.

I've found trans people who say they had this feeling even as a toddler.

I've never had that feeling.

Does that answer your question?

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Suzi

It certainly does clarify it.  For me it's a collection of fragments and "evidence" that have lead me to my realisation. 

I certainly don't feel envy, since so many of our sisters who did know from very young had a terrible time dealing with things. 

Julia

[suzifrommd]

It certainly does clarify it.  For me it's a collection of fragments and "evidence" that have lead me to my realisation. 

I certainly don't feel envy, since so many of our sisters who did know from very young had a terrible time dealing with things. 

Fragments of evidence describes it for me too. Maybe envy is too strong a word. Perhaps more intense curiosity what that would feel like, since I've never experienced it.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hiya Suzi

Actually, there was a time when I felt this.  I was in my 20s, and I had some kind of breakdown and realised that I was trans and actually preferred guys.  Suzi, it was frankly quite terrifying, since I would have these terrible waves of dysphoria that would totally engulf me for a few minutes or hours.  And during that time I did totally and utterly feel that I was the wrong gender and in the wrong body.

It only lasted for about 2 weeks, but it was the most awful feeling, so nasty that I actually believe I made an effort to forget it.

Conclusion:  I definitely don't want to go to that place ever again.  You and I should just be happy that we're now in the place we needed to find, and didn't need to go through quite that type of hell to get there!

xxx
J

[Alexis79]

My experience is that all my adult life, I've wished I could be a woman in the worst way. In my mind, that was that, since I knew I never could. I lived as a male best I could, though I never felt comfortable with my life. I never had the urge to crossdress or express a feminine appearance. I never thought I was transgender, because I didn't "feel" like a woman, only wanted to be one.

I found myself only comfortable with close female friendships, enjoying media and books meant for women and fascinating with everything female.

This. This this this this this. This.

And again for emphasis.

This.

I always stop to read your posts in many threads because you seem to be able to express exactly what I have always felt and thought, and have been experiencing it enough to be able to say it.

I just feel like me - not anything but me. I just have a preference for all things female.

And it has been a constant internal thing, with no real significant "aha" moment.

[Ellie_L]

I realized that parts of me did not match what my brain said should be there when I was 3 or 4

Growing up knowing that I wanted to be female kind of sucked. I don't remember even saying anything anything to my parents but I do remember wanting to have some way to break the ice and go " This isn't how I am supposed to be". That never happened and when puberty hit I got tall ( which I liked ) but I did not change in the way I wanted to change. I never mentioned anything because of where I grew up and the effects I thought it would have on my family. Puberty to the present for a few minutes or more the thought of "I want to be woman" has been a part of my daily life.

It took me 40 years to come to terms with it. I had tried 40 years of trying to get my mind to match my body and that did not work. My mind can be rather persistent and stubborn when it decides on something. The acceptance, once I stopped fighting my mind, has been quite rapid

Ellie L

[stephaniec]

I've just felt so wrong identifying as male and could never fit in the male social world.

[Chloe]

How come our experiences are all so different?

Because modern 20/21st century life trivializes everything, especially marginalizing anything that is special, different and/or otherwise rare? Although called by a different name 'transgender' has been around almost since the beginning of time itself. I personally draw my inspiration from the bible but choose any conclusions you like:

"" Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are so because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

" To those who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, 5 I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.""

[onescaredquestion]

I'm referring to the certainty that many feel that despite the shape of their body or the configuration of their chromosomes, that they are most definitely female.

I've found trans people who say they had this feeling even as a toddler.

I've never had that feeling.

Does that answer your question?

for me it was like this sine childhood: I was luckily allowed to be how I was (I mean I was bullied in school by teachers and students, but they never informed my parents, maybe they liked bullying me or didn't care enough,I don't know. But at school I got used to doing girl things. In fact,our PE teacher put me in with the girls to do girl sports, with a comment along the lines.of "since you're not fit to be with the boys". In the schools I went to there was NO recognition of anything but traditional gender and traditional gender roles, so I guess I was kinda made a girl that day. At least in school. But I never took it too far, I think?.I wore lots of bracelets and hair jewelry though. Maybe my androgynous baby face helped, I don't know. But my parents always kept my hair guy length. Eventually I started coming home from school with my jewelry and my parents asked me what I was doing and said I would get bullied but I said I didn't care.. so they let it go, probably thinking "let the world outside knock him back to reality."  Anyway I could go on but I don't want to write a novel. Git me it was: girls do girl things, boys do boy things. I did girl things with the girls and I think I was seen more like a girl and less like a"gay guy" but I'm not sure. Whenever I got called gay in my childhood I furiously denied it. the veryfirst day of school, my teacher couldn't read my handwriting for somereason, maybe it was smudged, so she read my name as a similar female name. I raised my hand up and she looked confused. Then she asked me if it was my name. I should have said yes, but I told her the truth. In that childhood moment,I had no doubt which name I preferred. But I never thought of it add something so complicated as "I feel like a girl". I just was myself. And later I realized I'll have to do a lot more to truly be myself.
The only "certainty" I have is that I've never, ever felt like the role of a guy was my role. I liked climbing in trees, so did many of the other girls, it was a guy thin and we did it with the guys. But at the end of the day, we played with Barbies and gossipped and made "art" with glitter glue and pastel colors and collected glitter stamps (horses and ponies, angels, hearts, stars, foods and so on). The boys collected sports cards and played sports while we played home. At some point I just figured there's no point in me to do any boy things since no one really sees me as a normal boy anyway. I don't know why it took me so long to get from thatpoint to my surgery, but at least it's done now. I felt like my genitals were wrong, but only in the recent years  so strongly iI wanted to cut then off myself. Before then I had sex.and just enjoyed the feeling. I don't think any girl or guy who had sex with me was looking to have sex with a manly guy I think they all liked the girl in me, it was so obvious. More obvious to others than me. One guy said "I'll make you into my pretty girl. You're already a girl, let me help you shine." This was back when I was still not wearing makeup or making an effort to look like a girl. I guess that means something. I don't really care. I'm a girl, end of story. Any more words are just confusing.

[Carrie Liz]

I had no idea I was trans as a kid. My mom tells me that I was more well-behaved, "nice," and much more verbal than other boys, and she could see it long before I ever came out as trans to her, but I wasn't consciously aware of any desire to be female back then.

And then all of a sudden puberty hit me like a ton of bricks and just like that I hated every single thing about being male, and almost immediately knew that I wanted to be a girl instead. Mostly it was physical... I hated how male sexuality worked. Erections felt wrong, hell, having a penis at all felt wrong, and was a CONSTANT annoyance. I hated the body hair, cried over and over and over again on so many nights after my beautiful unchanged soprano singing voice changed forever, but there was also social stuff, like hating machismo, hating being expected to be tough and act like a dudebro, hated that I couldn't seem to cry at anything even though I really wanted to, and hated the complete inability to do things that were cute, pretty, and feminine without endless social ridicule.

It got worse and worse with pretty much every year, as my body continued to get further and further away from the female self I wanted to be. I tried praying it away, I tried being a more feminine guy, but nothing worked, I needed to be female.

I still don't really understand how I could seemingly have no dysphoria as a kid, and then all of a sudden have my gender identity so abruptly shift to completely feminine in middle school, but it happened how it happened. Gender is a pretty confusing thing to understand sometimes.

So nowadays I just kind of see myself as one of those gender-nonconforming tomboy girls who suddenly grew out of it and got super-feminine at puberty. That's the only way I can seem to make sense of it.

[Missy~rmdlm]

I grew up in  a tough spot, I dropped out of school early. I'm pragmatic, making my life better is a continuous endeavor. For a time that meant securing income, then security, then socialization, self insight revealed that I was TS too. Addressing my TS issues did fall after I got married.
Now as I work towards post transition life, I am re-examining social life, and I plan to move in with my SO. That will lead me to a new future all on it's own.

It's rather hard to predict what would have happened if I had more involved parents, or better schooling or about a million other things. We all a bit different.

[evecrook]

I grew up in  a tough spot, I dropped out of school early. I'm pragmatic, making my life better is a continuous endeavor. For a time that meant securing income, then security, then socialization, self insight revealed that I was TS too. Addressing my TS issues did fall after I got married.
Now as I work towards post transition life, I am re-examining social life, and I plan to move in with my SO. That will lead me to a new future all on it's own.

It's rather hard to predict what would have happened if I had more involved parents, or better schooling or about a million other things. We all a bit different.

different , but totally linked at the core by dysphoria

[PinkCloud]

I don't know anymore how and why... yes, there were some minor clues in childhood, but I wasn't screaming from the top of my lungs that I was a female. I just didn't know.

There are kids at the age of 4 that know exactly what they want to be. Surgeon, musician, actor and they become it. And there are people like me: utterly clueless... until I am being shaken out of my dream world, to realize I never listened to what I wanted or who I am. "late-onset dysphoria", or whatever... I can't explain it... nor justify it, I just know, now.

[Cee Myk]

One similarity I have to other mtf transgender folk is that I fantasized about being from Atlantis as a child. I couldn't swim until my teen years but I always thought a part of me was from Atlantis and I was a brave being of the sea. I also loved Wonder Woman in childhood and I thought it was the most awesome thing when she changed from being a normal woman in spectacle and turning into Wonder Woman. But yes all our stories are quite different but they seem to interconnect in one growing body of transgender voices. Peace.

[Ariel Renée]

My first trans memory was when i was 8...I wanted to wear my moms clothes so but i was afraid to, so i tried to get my brother to do it with me, but he wouldn't do it.  I don't remember now the very first time, but one day i just started to wear my mom's underwear...not even sexy stuff...I would even wear her cotton bikini's..It moved on to clothes...dresses and skirts, and then i would make my avatar a girl when i could.. A big one i have discovered in my soul searching is that when i was teenager i wanted to have a baby girl...It didn't seem like anything until i got into a long term relationship and my now ex-girlfriend wanted to have a boy...When she said it i got uncomfortable, even angry at that thought of not having a girl...I had to have a baby girl..What i knew in the back of my head and am now coming to terms with is that my desire to have a girl was me trying to live out my life as a woman precariously through her.....I always had a name set out for her...which i decided to adopt as my own name...As you can see from my forum name :-)  Now i can tell there is a male and female side of me.  All of a sudden i will be walking around and i feel this...essence... my body loosens up, i start to move my hips more, i start to feel this high of confidence and femininity.  It's like i can feel this person inside me...just underneath my skin...and she is a strong, confident woman....

Ive could go on for a while with this but ill leave it at that :-)

[TSJasmine]

Because we're all different people :p If everyone's life & story was the same, life would be boring.