Let's see if anyone can understand my rambling...

[Sharon Lynn]

To let you know up front, I'm scared to post this.  I've got a knack for saying the wrong thing, and being clueless that I have said something wrong.  It's one of those dang aspy traits that always seems to get me in trouble and keeps me from talking much.  So here goes, and I hope I get this all out right!

I want to know just what I am and what I'm supposed to do, feel, etc.  My story is long and very drawn out, so I'll spare you all those details for now (After all, I've got to have something else to type about later hehe).

I'm married with 7 kids and a wife that's bipolar.  I have a good paying full time job and I'm currently taking 22 credit hours in school.  Yes, I'm a nerd, in the worst possible way.  I've found that I'm stronger when there's more pressure, and I'm practically worthless without pressure. I have no emotions, at least none that I let show.  If someone needs help I want to be the first in line, even if I have to sacrifice myself and my needs to help them.  I always put myself last.  And if there's a crowded room, I'm the one standing in the corner, trying to claw my way through the wall to get out.

OK, that's the short version of who I am, but now I get to try to explain the hard part.  I have for a long time felt the need to be female.  I couldn't care less about the clothes, or the makeup, or any of a myriad of other things.  I don't really care if I get called mam or sir or anything else that comes to mind.  It seems hard to explain, and I'm sure at this point it's not coming out right.  I can do calculus with no trouble or write a speech that gets standing ovations, but I can't seem to get across the simplest of what's going through my head right now.  I guess it's not about how everyone else sees me or what I present to the world, it's about how I see myself.

I hunted around for literally several years to find someone who'd help me figure out life, and I always got one of two responses: "that's an unforgivable sin" or "go do it already!".  Over a dozen different shrinks, and two "slightly" different opinions (/sarcasm off).  The only problem is, neither one answered the question.  I finally found one who at least listened to me, reinforced the central themes of "it only gets worse" and "deal with it or it'll kill you".  I can't say too much bad about her, other than the fact that she diagnosed me as trans and asperger, and wrote me my HRT letter before I think I was ready for it.  Now I know that probably sounds crazy to many of you, and it was literally impossible for me to resist such a temptation, so I started HRT.  I felt tons better when I started, it was just the timing of things I have issue with.  I'm starting my fourth month on hormones tomorrow, and can't begin to describe the anxiety and frustration that's been lifted off of my shoulders.

I guess I should explain the timing problem.  I think it was too soon for me, because even to this day I still haven't figured out some simple questions.  What am I really? Should I come out to everyone, or just let be what will be (yes, my wife knows and is more than a little supportive, but very few know other than that)?  How do I plan my life with such a huge unknown lurking over my head?  Questions on top of questions...

I can tell you this much... I'm more comfortable in my body than I can ever remember being.  I can actually take a shower now without wanting to literally die.  I know at this point I'll never be able to stop taking hormones... I can't go back to hating myself like I did before.  The dysphoria isn't gone though, it's just really muted right now.  I take this to mean it'll probably get worse again and push me towards SRS. And yet another question forms in my head... what exactly constitutes the RL experience?  My satisfaction with how things are going, or what everyone else sees and thinks?

I know this is a huge ramble, and I'm sorry for that.  This is how I think, but I usually express myself better than this.  I already know the therapist's answer to all my questions.  She thinks I should just completely transition.  Not sure I'm ready for that, and that alone tells me I'm not.  So I'm asking you all.  I'm hoping to get some insights here that I can't find in the professional world.

-hugs-

[MaddieShirey]

Hey

First of all, I'm wondering what "the worst possible way" of being a nerd is. I'm likely guilty of it myself. Aside from that, it's amazing (to me) just how much we have in common. Pretty much the same person... Except the 7 kids bit. Daaaamn. I've got 2 and they kick my ass. Well done.

Anyway, "what are you"? You are an amazing, kind, generous, selfless human being. That's what you are. You deserve to be happy to. Don't listen to anyone who tells you any different.

Don't let anyone rush you info anything. Go as slow or as fast as you need to. Evolution takes thousands of years, but in the end your left with something beautiful.

I'm glad HRT is working so well for you . I haven't started mine yet, but reading things like this makes me all the more anxious to do so.

[Shantel]

Welcome Sharon Lynn!
            No need to be scared posting anything here, it's a safe place and you are among friends. This is a huge extended international family and we all share a certain commonality though some are coming from opposite ends of the gender spectrum. Many prefer to move from one binary gender expression to the other and there are those like myself who have become content living somewhere in the middle meaning non-binary or androgynous. Several years ago I might have written the exact same story that you have so you are definitely not alone my friend. Take your time and look through the various threads, check out "Androgyne," there is a lot to be gleaned there especially for one who is still unsure of how far you plan to take your transition.

[Sharon Lynn]

hehe thanks MaddieShirley.  The 7 wasn't exactly planned.  My second wife passed and left me with three kids.  My current wife had 3 as well, so we played the Brady bunch thing... (I'm STILL waiting on Alice to show up though, where COULD she be?)  And of course we had to have one of ours as well.

-hugs-

[MaddieShirey]

Goodness! That has to be a crazy house. What's the age gap?

[Sharon Lynn]

Let's see... oldest is 16, youngest just hit 7 months I think? 2 boys and 5 girls... I know I'm gonna mess this up. 16, 12, 11, 10,10,8, 7 months.  Me, the 16, and the 11 all getting ready to get older next month.

[MaddieShirey]

Oh wow... That sounds like absolute insanity... So many pubescent people in that house... Yikes. Mad props. I'm not sure I could handle that.

[Robin Mack]

You do have quite a handful... I guess it's a good thing that you respond well to pressure! 

Ultimately the decision of when or whether to go full time (or at all) is completely up to you.  It sounds like you are doing well with HRT, and you do have a lot on your plate.  While I appreciate that your present psych is at least responsive to your general needs, I would question any medical professional who would rush such a huge step. 

Since you don't care about how the world responds to your gender, nor do you care about clothes and the social trappings of being female, why go full time?  *You* know your gender, *you* know the changes in your body.  As long as your happy, what business is it of the world at large?

I suggest you put the question to your psych that way.  It seems that your experience falls outside of her own; your journey (in that you aren't concerned with how the outside world perceives you) is perhaps different from the majority of cases she has dealt with.  For many of us, social issues are dysphoria triggers, too, not just our physical bodies.  But then, most of us (excepting a higher than normal percentage than the general population) do not have Aspberger's Syndrome.

As far as the full time experience (or real life) experience goes, again I am not certain that your experience of it would apply.  As far as I have been able to determine, it is kind of a final test to see if a patient is really ready to make a life-long commitment to their internal gender (and to weed out people for whom such a final, physical transformation would cause more harm than good).  So, ultimately, I believe it comes down to you and how you deal with being the woman you are.  Unfortunately, your care giver is the one who will need to certify that you have met this requirement, so you will no doubt have to work this out with her.

*hug*  I wish you joy and peace and fulfillment, Sharon.  I wish I could be of more help, and sincerely hope I have at least in some small way been a bit helpful.

[Sharon Lynn]

Actually, that was very helpful! 

I'm pretty sure clothing will become an issue for me in the future, which means presentation will end up becoming an issue eventually too (hard to explain away a bra and t-shirt combo in the summer, and they already hurt enough that going without isn't an option).  So I guess I'm saying I know these issues will likely present themselves eventually, they just aren't bothering me quite yet.  I guess when the dysphoria starts hitting again it'll be time to tackle them.  Probably all just a matter of time.

[Robin Mack]

Actually, that was very helpful! 

I'm pretty sure clothing will become an issue for me in the future, which means presentation will end up becoming an issue eventually too (hard to explain away a bra and t-shirt combo in the summer, and they already hurt enough that going without isn't an option).  So I guess I'm saying I know these issues will likely present themselves eventually, they just aren't bothering me quite yet.  I guess when the dysphoria starts hitting again it'll be time to tackle them.  Probably all just a matter of time.

That actually matches the pattern I've seen for many women in their transition... things eventually seem to reach critical mass and there really isn't any choice *but* to go to full time.  However, there does not seem to be a need to rush it, unless your care giver sees some indications that this might be coming sooner than you expect and is trying to prepare you for it.  Whether that is the case or not, it would seem to be wise to talk to her about her motivation in pushing you into it and have a frank discussion with her about why you don't think it is warranted.  It's your life, and you're paying her, after all.

*hug*

[Sharon Lynn]

thanks hun

-hugs-

[Rachel]

Welcome Sharon,

There is no need disclose or do anything you do not want to do. There is no script and we are all different; it does not make you any less trans. What ever you need to do is what you need to do. I do recommend a gender therapist to help you to sort out your needs and provide support.

HRT has been fantastic for me and I too can not imagine ever going off. I continue to surpass boundaries I set for myself to find out I can do what I need to do.

The most important things are support from your wife and acceptance of yourself from you, you are very lucky.

I find dysphoria comes in waves now. From bearable to not bearable.

I always hated my voice (since puberty), my naked chest and my lower body. So I think I need to find out what I need to do to feel right or acceptable to myself. As always, giving it time so I know what I think I need is really what I need.

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

Hay hunni,

First of all, when I'm confused or unsure about something I always find rambling is a good way to get my chaotic thoughts down on paper   When I read them back and analyse them I often find the answer to my own question is hidden in my own words somewhere.  May be worth just having a good read over your own OP a few times to see if you've already answered yourself 

I've got a couple of thoughts myself on what you've said.  My first thought is that - like Shantel mentioned - check out Androgyne.  Gender is being increasingly understood to *NOT* be a binary "male" or "female", but rather it's a scale with those labels at either end (even then that's up for debate).  "Androgyne" describes that space in between: i.e. "people who don't identify as either male or female, but instead exhibits traits of both or neither".  You explain that you feel "the need to be female" but you're not that interested in any of the things that come with it (clothes, makeup etc) or how people perceive you.  That to me sounds a lot like Androgyne (likely weighted towards the female end of the spectrum), rather than 100% "female".  Definitely have a read around and see if that fits your mindset better than "completely female".  Hope that makes sense hun, but if not then feel free to ask

My second thought - if you decide you're sure you're 100% female, then obviously you've kind of answered your own question about what you are! In which case your question becomes more about why you still feel some dysphoria and this question mark about whether or not things are moving too fast.  That second question is pretty easy to answer:  if you feel things are moving too fast, then they are!  We're all different and need to take things at our own pace.  Obviously it's great that HRT is sitting well with ya hun But don't let anyone - even doctors or so-called "experts" - talk you into doing something either your body and/or mind isn't ready for.  Listen closely to your body and mind and remember: it's *YOUR* body and mind, so you do things if/when *YOU'RE* ready to do them, especially when those things can't be reversed.  And before you say it - yes, dysphoria means your body and mind are out of sync.  Use that to your advantage by exploring things within yourself and seeing where things sync up.  The mind is really powerful at simulating things and fooling your body into thinking something's true when it isn't, which is really useful if you can learn how to wield it

As for why you're still feeling some dysphoria - it could be simply due to the fact that you need to go further / all the way before you'll be truly comfortable.  It could also be (as mentioned above) that you've just replaced one incorrect assumption about your gender (male) with another incorrect (but closer) incorrect assumption about your gender (female) and that your true gender is really somewhere in between, so definitely have a look at Androgyne if nothing else than to rule it out because personally if I were a betting girl - that's where my money would be

I really hope something in there helps point you in the right direction at least hunni Just remember: the journey is more important than the end or the start <333

[Sharon Lynn]

because personally if I were a betting girl - that's where my money would be

You should be a betting girl   In all my time dealing with this, all the simulations played out in my head, all those wacky dreams, I almost always end up as a tomboy/ androgynous female.  I can't ever picture myself staying the way I am, and I only rarely see myself being really girly.  But always ALWAYS female.

And yup, I see what you mean about reading your own ramblings hehe. I couldn't explain it if I tried, but it works LOL

Thanks Shantel and Cynthia Michelle, too

-hugs to all-