MAAB and femininity

[JamesG]

Here's sort of an example of what I'm dealing with...

I was kind of joking earlier when I dressed up like this as my boy presentation... (I had never even worn a wig before)

OMG! That is so cute!

M or F.
I don't see the problem. The college kids wear that kind of stuff all the time 'round here. Maybe not quite that fem. when being "male" but close esp. those that are being andro.

But I'm kind of not joking. Maybe not this look, lol, I wouldn't wear that to any normal occasion, but the point is why can't I dress/present how I want, something equivalent to that, and be a boy? It shouldn't sound ridiculous cuz an FAAB person could present to the same degree of (stereotypical) masculinity without being trans and have not too many problems...

When I honestly try to figure out my boy presentation I don't even know what it would be. Because I have to sit there asking myself... wait, but am I saying I want people to think that I AM a boy? Or am I just going to let them think I'm a girl but identify as a boy inside? And will I tell them I'm a boy if it comes down to it? What bathrooms do I use then??

Look in a mirror and decide which you look the most like that day?

It is kind of a funny problem, a MTF that wants to be FTM...able.  And  why can't you play the "Tomboy girl" as an alibi for dressing/presenting as you will?   Yeah people will screw up your pronouns, but hey that comes with the territory of being gender ambiguous.

I still don't know what to do with these questions. It still feels like I have to choose being me vs being allowed to be cis.  it shouldn't be this hard but I guess that's how repressive gender roles can be.

I think you are thinking this too hard.  You're not "Tootsie",  you're just you.  Do what makes you happy. Screw everyone else.

Sorry if I cut across any already covered stuff, I kinda went stream-0-contiousness here...

[sad panda]

@JamesG yeah unfortunately there is really no LGBT stuff in my area, even in the local college (they have an alliance there but nobody goes) but I mean, I don't want to have a place I can go and be me, I want to be me all the time and wherever I am. I wanna be acceptable to normal people :s

As for my outfit... mmmh, I guess that is what I mean. Men can be stylish but not outright femme. There is always a cutoff. Like yeah... it ends at metro, which I think of as a lot different than femme.

As for girl's clothes on men.. um, not all men are overweight and hairy...

As for screw everyone else.. yeah, I'm sorry but I can't think that way no matter how many people can. Other people matter to me a lot and I can't help it. It really hurts me when they think or say mean things about me and it's probably never going to change. ;w;

It is kind of a funny problem, a MTF that wants to be FTM...able.  And  why can't you play the "Tomboy girl" as an alibi for dressing/presenting as you will?   Yeah people will screw up your pronouns, but hey that comes with the territory of being gender ambiguous.

I don't know if you understood what I meant.. I don't want to be FTMable I want to be a cis boy. I wouldn't have a reason to be a tomboy bc I don't do anything masculine or want to present boyish. If anything i guess I wanna be the male version of a tomboy just, there isn't one. :c

[JamesG]

As for screw everyone else.. yeah, I'm sorry but I can't think that way no matter how many people can. Other people matter to me a lot and I can't help it. It really hurts me when they think or say mean things about me and it's probably never going to change.

Well, then if you want to stay in contact with the larger society, then you kinda have to play by their rules in order to receive acceptance. That is the price of being in a society.  Some are more accepting than others. So you either have to move yourself to where that level of acceptance is within what/how you want to live, or modify yourself and expectations to match where you are now. 

I don't know if you understood what I meant.. I don't want to be FTMable I want to be a cis boy. I wouldn't have a reason to be a tomboy bc I don't do anything masculine or want to present boyish. If anything i guess I wanna be the male version of a tomboy just, there isn't one. :c

I think I did, I was just expanding on your concept. Basically you want to be Justin Beber. hahahaha.  I keed I keed!

I donno, I still think you are just overthinking it. Be a "boy", be a "girl", be something in between (and I'm not talking about your body).  At your age and without all the commitments that life throws at you (career, family, etc.) you literally can do anything you want at very little "cost".  I would love to have your problem. 

[Nero]

Cute Panda  ,

You're a really tough case, no offense.  You look *very* female and not even in the normal way you'd say to a passable trans woman. I mean, you look extremely female in an average (but pretty!) teenage girl way. I mean a lot of girls with long thin legs look 'hot' but not unequivocally female in the way you do. You really have a girl body, not an androgynous model body. You look positively fertile. lol

I can see why that makes it difficult. Well, how do you feel about stopping HRT and detransitioning? I think you were born an androgynous person and you just don't fit physically or identity wise into either gender.

[sad panda]

Cute Panda  ,

You're a really tough case, no offense.  You look *very* female and not even in the normal way you'd say to a passable trans woman. I mean, you look extremely female in an average (but pretty!) teenage girl way. I mean a lot of girls with long thin legs look 'hot' but not unequivocally female in the way you do. You really have a girl body, not an androgynous model body. You look positively fertile. lol

I can see why that makes it difficult. Well, how do you feel about stopping HRT and detransitioning? I think you were born an androgynous person and you just don't fit physically or identity wise into either gender.

Hrm, yeah, it's like no matter how cis I seem to people I am not. That is what makes it so weird. I don't have to do much to transition but I also feel stuck in the middle either way.

I do want to stop HRT and detransition, I'm mostly afraid it will be a mistake or impossible though, but I don't know if that's just me being dramatic, I'm really bad at making important decisions The only thing is, Unlike an FTM I can't take T to look more boyish or older, since I already know that my T used to be very high, right around the highest level they would ever supplement to. So for all i know there will be a benjamin button thing going on if I try it. But All i can really do is lose fat, but the gaunt look isn't very pretty. I might start with that though bc honestly
i don't like my weight right now.

But I really hope that gender roles start to come around. I feel like even the way it's somewhat acceptable for guys to be femme these days is like all camp and no substance. I mean sure I could be a glitter fairy part time but I'm more worried about how people will hate me for the full picture of what i am that doesn't suit a boy. I am a lot more confident now than i was growing up at least, but i don't want to be treated weirdly.

Thanks so much everyone for helping me work thru this btw It may seem like i never get anywhere but you all have given me a lot of things to think about.