How to correct misgendering?

[Joe.]

I'm in a job and it is my first one since going full time. There are about 10 other new people who started the same time as me and they all call me male pronouns and call me by my male name which is great. However, the staff who already work there all call me she, her and lady. They do it even after I have introduced myself as my male name. They do it in front of customers which then makes the customer misgender me. It's not always the same member of staff so I don't know how to correct them because customers are there. It's embarrassing and it really disheartens me.

[ErinM]

I transitioned in a workplace with a couple hundred employees and no way to easily tell everyone about my transition.

Co-workers in my department are mostly good with the occasional slip, other staff it varies greatly.

I gently remind them to use my name and to refer to me as they would a female and take them aside to do this. It daunting to say the least but I can think of no other way.

[eshaver]

Joe, I really do understand . I'm elderly and when I was finally able to return to an H R T program, I'd lost nearly ten years . ten years when you're in yer 50's really takes a toll . Sadly, I still get "Sired " myself . I despise it . I do a "polite " remind ONLY on those who did it UN intentionally. For the Neanderthals , I'll givem an earful ! ellen

[Jennygirl]

Yes there are a multitude of ways you could tone it, but you'll definitely have to be up front with them about it unfortunately.

The humorous approach worked well for me. Either by misgendering them on purpose (this one works great) or by other funny means. I even considered writing little note cards to hand to people that said "she" or "her", but it never came to that. As soon as I was vocal about it they stopped messing up so much. It did take time, but I think because I was cheerful about it they really listened.

The way I would not recommend is to get upset with them, because I hardly doubt they did it on purpose. If you're nice / friendly most of the time, people generally do not want to upset you and will be glad to learn and very apologetic.

[musicofthenight]

It's unprofessional in the extreme.  If you have equal-employment protection or trans-friendly policies and you've corrected them enough that you're sure it's not an honest mistake, you need to go to your boss.

Here's the issue as I see it.  Any business loses money on new hires.  They don't want to spend two months getting you productive and then have to find a replacement because you've been bullied into quitting.  The fact that this is coming from established employees may weaken your position - if they're more valuable than you are.

On the other hand, if they're motivated by jerkishness, they've probably been jerks before.  In that case, the boss is either comfortable putting them back in line or is looking for a chance to fire them.

The best course of action depends on existing social factors.  Sorry that you have to suss that out.


So, "professional."  You and they both have an obligation to represent the business well in front of customers.  Not even being able to consistently gender one of the employees makes the business look really foolish.

I wouldn't correct them in front of a customer.  I would correct at the earliest possible opportunity.

And if it becomes awkward or tiresome, then go to the boss anyway.  Always approach The Boss doing your best to solve a problem for him or her.

Like, if you're working retail for example, you're in the thick of HRT, and you're out to your boss.

- I'd like to talk about how my gender is perceived by customers.  ...  So here's the thing: my doc and therapist say I can expect further visible results from my hormone therapy in the future, but now most people can see me as male or female depending on how I'm introduced.  Some of the other employees say to customers things like "she'll help you," when, I believe, "he'll help you" would appear just as professional.  It certainly will over the next several months as my appearance and voice continues to change, but I'd like to settle this issue soon.  Can you back me up if I talk to them?



And to the employees, correcting a mis-step.

- Hey, listen, if I'm handing a customer off to you, I'd say "she'll help you."  Please get my gender right too.

[Rachel]

Musicofthenight, you are spot on!

[suzifrommd]

Three step process:

1. Ask them nicely. Explain why it's important to you. Speak to them as if you expect the respect from them that you know you deserve.

2. If that doesn't work, document the times and dates that it happens and who is doing it. After a few weeks of that, go to your HR office (or management if there isn't one) and tell them you are experiencing harassment on the job. (Yes, this is harassment.) Mention the words "hostile work environment". Laws in most countries consider a hostile work environment an act of discrimination and could make your employer liable for big money if they don't put a stop to it.

3. If that doesn't get it to stop, contact local or national LGBT legal organizations and find out what your legal options are. Then exercise them!

[Joe.]

Thanks everyone.

I thought I was making progress when a manager said 'ok she's going to go on the till' and then said 'sorry I mean he'. That was great until no less than an hour later I was with another girl and she said 'ok, you girls go over there'. Brilliant. If she does it again I'm going to pull her to one side and calmly tell her I'm a man and I don't appreciate being called 'she' or a 'girl'.

[Kytri]

That sucks. You might have to keep reminding your manager until it sticks

If you have any coworkers who get it maybe you could ask them to help correct people?

Good luck, dude.

[Bimmer Guy]

I am trying to remember, but I think that you are still legally female and are not on T?  Does that effect the "discrimination" rules in your state?  How about just going to your manager and asking them to write a quick, short email to everyone, saying you prefer to be identified as male.  It sounds like the other staff members you started with are calling you by the right pronoun because you got to introduce yourself to them, but maybe the old staff found out about your hire by your boss/resume (thus female name/identity?)?

Anyway, I am wondering if a general reminder email will carry some weight, and will keep you from having to pull everyone aside, which I can see would be stressful.

Good luck to you.

[Joe.]

Thanks for your comments. I believe that the law still protects me as I have changed my name legally and am living full time as male. I am not on T and still legally female. I'm in the UK and the law is pretty tight on equality and discrimination. There is no way that any of the staff there would know I was previously female because nobody knew except the manager that hired me. I haven't put my female name anywhere at all. They've just all assumed that I'm female because of the way I look and it's really pissed me off. It's retail work, so there isn't a way to email all the staff as there is hundreds of them and I don't want to draw attention to myself. I think I'll have to suck it up.