Still seeing too much of your old self?

[Adam (birkin)]

I've been having this issue lately and I am wondering if anyone has gone through this and managed to overcome it.

I've been on T for nearly 20 months, and a LOT has changed - I went from passing 100% as female to passing 100% as male. My voice went from being read as female on the phone to entirely male. Family members don't recognize my voice, service people who I've seen for years and always recognized me (even early in transition) no longer recognize me when I go into their establishment.

So in other words, the changes are huge. But when I look in the mirror, I see "her." When I hear recordings of my voice, I hear traces of female left. And I truly can't shake it - it's to the point where, even after 6 months of passing basically 100%, I still am shocked when I hear someone call me "he" or "sir." And I get this sick feeling in my stomach like "have they looked closely enough at my face? It looks female...they're going to look and realize I was born female." Or worse, "they're just humoring me, they are actually laughing at me inside thinking I am a girl 'pretending' to be a man."

I'm happy with all that's changed, but I'm having a hard time actually enjoying it. And it makes me feel bad about myself - I think "this is what I have been waiting for, I should take it and run instead of being scared or anxious!" I've fought so hard for this life, I want to be able to stop seeing "her" and start seeing the man everyone else clearly sees when I look in the mirror.

[ZoeM]

I think we all feel this to some degree. I know I do.
And I think I know why.
It's because, when we look in the mirror, we see our self-image. What it used to be - male for me, female for you - we automatically search for in what we see now, and when we find traces, we think "There! That's our past self looking at us! It looks <whatever our past gender was>!"
We need to train our minds to see our new gender presentation in our self-image. And sadly that takes a long while.

[suzifrommd]

You are still the same person you were when you started. That's a good thing. You were always an interesting, intelligent guy. You're outside appearance has changed somewhat to match your insides, but who you are hasn't changed.

So of course you're going to see the old you.

Now you need to appreciate who you are, learn to get in touch with the wonderful man you've become.

[Mogu]

I have that feeling a lot, or something like it.

I think part of it is anxiety, that and being overly critical of yourself. Have you talked to someone about this? I'm not a therapist so one of them might have better insight.

[Adam (birkin)]

I think we all feel this to some degree. I know I do.
And I think I know why.
It's because, when we look in the mirror, we see our self-image. What it used to be - male for me, female for you - we automatically search for in what we see now, and when we find traces, we think "There! That's our past self looking at us! It looks <whatever our past gender was>!"
We need to train our minds to see our new gender presentation in our self-image. And sadly that takes a long while.

I think so. I'm not very good at training my brain lol. But it's reassuring to know someone else feels the same (and I can't see a guy in your face at all, so the fact that you can sometimes is shocking to me - maybe I am just as wrong about seeing my old self).

You are still the same person you were when you started. That's a good thing. You were always an interesting, intelligent guy. You're outside appearance has changed somewhat to match your insides, but who you are hasn't changed.

So of course you're going to see the old you.

Now you need to appreciate who you are, learn to get in touch with the wonderful man you've become.

That's a great way to think of it! I guess part of it is just accepting myself entirely for who I am - I had a hard time thinking of myself as a "real man" before T, and I think I still carry that because of my history and pending surgeries. But perhaps there is no time like the present.

I have that feeling a lot, or something like it.

I think part of it is anxiety, that and being overly critical of yourself. Have you talked to someone about this? I'm not a therapist so one of them might have better insight.

The only therapist I like and trust can't take any more appointments with me. I wish I could talk to her about it. I did try to talk to a friend who I am stealth to (she is anti-trans and certainly assumes I am cis, as she's asked me about getting women preggo). I asked her if she remembered the time when someone talked to her about me and referred to me as a woman. She said yes, and I said "well, you know, that really upset me and sometimes I get really anxious because I think that others might think I am a woman as well. Why do you think she would say that? Is there anything about me that would make someone think I was a girl?"

She said "You're just looking for trouble and things to make you worry." I said "well obviously that person saw me as a woman." And she said "Well I don't think that! You're too old for this! She was upset with you and wanted to use her high school tactics to get back at you."

And it kind of hit me then that, here is a woman who I have spent a LOT of time with, a lot of time talking to, and she was never "set off" thinking "gee, his face is feminine...", "it looks like he has boobs...", "he doesn't act like other men..." What struck her as weird was the very fact that I'd get hung up on someone thinking I was a woman to begin with.  I've also thought about all the guys that have been calling me "man", shaking my hand, and all that stuff...that, for me, is 100% male exclusive and never, ever happened when I presented as female. So if these guys can relate to me and accept me as one of them, I should be able to accept that in myself, despite my history.

Incidentally, with the woman who doesn't "suspect" my history, I feel very comfortable. At first I was scared she'd "spot" me or maybe suspected I was trans, but when I realized she just saw me as one of the guys, I felt...normal for the first time in ever. I've always been "the trans one" until very recently, which put me on edge, and it's nice to be able to sit with someone and not be thinking about my gender. And to be asked about my actual interests, rather than "what do you think of this gender issue?"