Last night after a weekly transgender support group meeting I went to a diner with a few people and then afterwards my friend drove me home. During the drive home we just chitchatted for a bit and then after a little bit I began talking about my feelings of abandonment that I've been facing this year. I began talking at length about how I meet what I thought was an excellent group of friends, I even introduced my best friend to everyone two years ago and she started dating one of my friends. But then after I came out and was hospitalized for a near suicide attempt everything went downhill fast. Even though they came to visit me in the hospital and had dinner with a good friend the night I got out they dropped in the coming months. They never tried to understand my transgender status my depression, never bothered to with fact the even though I can function I can't socialize normally like others can. I began a slow process of being ostracized from these people. At first they told me I was rushing my hormones, telling me I was starting too soon because I wasn't in the best places mentally. When I started they then kept insisting that my therapist was not helping and was doing me wrong by letting me start hormones, told me I needed to see someone new because of that and that I did not get better according to them. They never bothered to understand that this could not wait any longer than it did, they never tried being friends and comforting when I needed help the most, they kept many things about myself a secret because they were afraid of me .When I did get myself together more so in late winter I tried reconnecting with everyone and getting back to the way it used to be. I was hopefully but boy did I turn out to be wrong. My two friends in my town who I hung out with the most began ignoring me and my interests. I became that pity party third wheel every time we were together, they would always direct everything and largely ignore me. On my birthday when I got people to go to Six Flags those two directed the days activities and ignored me when I said I wanted to start with some particular rides and lead the group throughout the day despite being insistent that we do what I wanted to for once. I began to feel horribly alone with these people, I felt abandoned. Then after we visited my friend in Queens on Halloween and my car crash that night, I was alone, I largely stopped speaking to them. I stopped initiating any and every contact because it was always me who had to ask and not then. I talked to a friend a few times since and was told they were so busy with work, her boyfriend and being with my other friend that they couldn't bother to talk to me. You know what? I'm done with these people, I'm done with feeling abandoned, being lectured on how to live my life and being blamed for my mental illness. I'm done, I'm absolutely done with these people, I do not need them in my life at all. I got new people who have actually been very caring and supportive of my, people who I meet in school and group. Those are the people I would rather be with, not those who treat me like I'm a bad habit and a burden...rant done...
