Overwhelmed and frustrated!!!

[kellizgirl]

Thought for today "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" that was the only thought going through my head last night damn depressing! If I take this transformation to the logical end then I will be the woman I have always been, but I will have hurt everyone I love and will be alone. If I don't become the woman I have always been, then everyone will go on with life as normal no pain no heartache and I will have to live with this depression for the rest of my life. I keep praying and seeking Jesus' will in the matter. I keep asking Him to just go ahead and change me Himself. I am on the edge of a knife and no matter which way this falls someone will get hurt, the only question is will it be everyone else or just me?

[Devlyn]

Big hug! It says it at the top of the screen, right under the Susan's Girl:

"We stand at the crossroads of gender balanced on the sharp edge of a knife."

It's why we're here. It's a tough road, no doubt about that. I think most people here would tell you that the fear of the fallout was worse than the actual fallout. Hugs, Devlyn

[Joan]

I think most people here would tell you that the fear of the fallout was worse than the actual fallout. Hugs, Devlyn

That's how it was for me. It still made setting everything in motion just about the hardest thing I ever did.

I hope you find the right path forward for you and soon, kellizgirl.

[Heather]

I've been where your at Kellizgirl it is scary I know, but you'll make it through this. I'm not going to say you won't lose people you love, but don't just assume that your going to lose them all. It takes time and a lot if effort but the people you love can come around in time. But first you got to be willing to trust them enough with this. And while I'm not going to say prayer doesn't work but don't expect to be magically transformed into a woman.
I believe prayers can be answered but sometimes their answered in ways we least expect them. I wouldn't be the woman I am today if it wasn't for prayer, sure I may not have magically woke up a woman one day. But it did give me the strength to realize that I could have everything I prayed for if I put aside the fear I was living in and started living as myself.

[ZoeM]

Remember, Kelli - Jesus uses circumstances and choices far more often than direct miraculous intervention. If we seek His will, in the end we find it often without knowing we're doing so.

So in short - pray, read the Scriptures, and go where you feel called.

It worked for me.

[FrancisAnn]

I understand & I'm sure most members understand. My only suggestion is to try & talk & explain yourself direct to the people you love & ask them to love you. Maybe if just one will accept you & your changes then perhpas in time more will also understand. Very few people understand our need to correct our gender unless we explain & tell them who we really are inside.

I also feel your pain.

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

Aww hunni *hugs*

I feel your pain gal: I'm in much the same position myself right now.  Every spare moment away from people I get, I've been switching off "guy mode" and exploring this inner female.  It's a critical step in my opinion to make sure that this really is the real me and that it's not some kind of delusion or mistake, because I know if I take this path it's going to hurt a fair few people I care about.  The problem is that the more I explore it, the more certain I am that this really is who I am.  If I'm honest though, I already know the answer.  I just feel I need to be really really *REALLY* 200% sure or something...  or perhaps it's just a good excuse to put off the inevitable "big talk" with those I care about.. 

This leaves me in the same dilemma as you hun, and yeh it's really not a nice place to be *hugs* <333

Regarding Jesus / God answering your prayers: well isn't it often said that

God does not give us challenges that we can't handle

..or something to that effect?  I don't think they'd be any point in us being here if there weren't challenges to overcome or problems to solve, would there?  We come into this life to learn, and we wouldn't learn much if God / Jesus or Allah or Buddha or whatever deity you believe in solved all our problems for us would we?

And finally, these two sayings have got me through many tough times in life, including right now, so maybe they will help you too:

You never find the path to your true self, but rather: you find your true self along the path

and:

The journey is more important than the end or the start

Hope I've been of some assistance hunni, and know that you are *NOT* alone! *hugs hugs and more hugs* <333

[Zumbagirl]

You make it sound like its an either/or decision, that there can only be one outcome. The thing is life doesn't work like that. You can never know whether someone will accept you or not until you tell them. That's when you will know. If you try to second guess how people will react based on their own life experience, political affiliation, or whatever then you will guess wrong at least some of the time.

As far as friends they go through your life like the people who are walking in and out of a building through the revolving door. Some will stay and get replaced by new friends, some will go never to be seen again and you need to brace yourself of that possibility as well.

Transitioning isn't a loss. At worst it's a zero sum gain. At best it's a great positive. It depends on how willing you are to put yourself out it there and how willing you are to operate outside of your own comfort zone. If you look at this and see a bleak future then don't create that future and find yourself trapped in it. Create a new one that is bright and fulfilling.

[kellizgirl]

Thank you everyone, I am so grateful this site exists!! Where I live in Ohio it is rural and there is very little support, I have two very dear friends with whom I can be me openly and talk about myself, and of course my therapist who I will see later today. I am scared because I know now that I really want to be Kelli full time and the implications are scary. I want to take this moment though and thank all the ladies that have had the courage to pave the way for the rest of us to have it just a bit easier. Words are not enough to express my gratitude but hope fully my actions will make it easier for the next. God Bless!

I will keep you all close to my heart. (((hugs)))!

[evecrook]

I can only speak for myself. I 've live with this since I was 4. It truly has been hell. I'm in transition now and feel incredibly better inside. I just wanted to say that through all these years of torment Christ has been my guiding light . Jesus will help. God  truly loves you

[Tristan]

Thought for today "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" that was the only thought going through my head last night damn depressing! If I take this transformation to the logical end then I will be the woman I have always been, but I will have hurt everyone I love and will be alone. If I don't become the woman I have always been, then everyone will go on with life as normal no pain no heartache and I will have to live with this depression for the rest of my life. I keep praying and seeking Jesus' will in the matter. I keep asking Him to just go ahead and change me Himself. I am on the edge of a knife and no matter which way this falls someone will get hurt, the only question is will it be everyone else or just me?

everyone hurts someone the care about at some point. but in time people forgive and sometimes even forget a little. give yourself time. transition can be great when worked in with other things to keep you busy and occupied.im sure in time things are really going to turn around for you

[calico]

Let me quote a phrase from the bible since asking jesus was brought up earlier.

Luke 6:39 And He spoke a parable unto them: "Can the blind lead the blind? Shall they not both fall into the ditch?
and than 41-42
41Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye but do not notice or consider the beam [of timber] that is in your own eye?
42Or how can you say to your brother, Brother, allow me to take out the speck that is in your eye, when you yourself do not see the beam that is in your own eye? You actor (pretender, hypocrite)! First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye.

my interpretation is, first you need to fix yourself before you can you be of any worth to others. there are other parts in the bible that relates but I think you see what I mean here.
If you are not happy or at peace how can you be of any true worth? 

yes its a long and winding road but remember it may seem as though you are alone but you are not! we are here and in my own belief so is the lord

[Randi]

Many people talk as if the only choice is between staying totally male and a full-on fully feminine transition.  There are many shades of gray between male and female.

I believe that one should only transition as far as is needed to reduce the dysphoria to a tolerable level.  There is a world of things you can do to make yourself more comfortable while placating your employer and family.

Low dose HRT, increased grooming, removal of body and facial hair, dressing in an androgynous manner, adding some jewelry or accessories, growing out your fingernails and many other things.

As for myself, I have no body hair other than a "landing strip". I have been on HRT for several years and my body is well feminized. I wear women's shoes, but not anything you'd see on a drag queen.  There is plenty of underwear that is technically for men, but is very similar to sexy women's underwear.

Yet I have kept my male name and ID, and the rest of my life is intact.  It's pretty obvious to anyone who looks that my body is feminine, but I've never had any comments from someone outside my family.  If you don't act like it's a fetish thing having boobs is something that others can accept.  No policeman is going to arrest you for illegal possession of boobs.

I am so very happy when I wake up in the morning and realize my body has changed due to years of HRT.  My dysphoria is all about the body I live in and not the clothes I wear or the name I'm called.  Five years of "baby steps" have brought me to a place where I'm fairly comfortable.

Somehow it was easier that I never "came out".  I waited for my family and friends to tell ME that I was androgynous or even transsexual.

I didn't mean to ramble, but wanted to point out that there is a lot of middle ground between male and female, and if you can find comfort somewhere in the middle, it may be a lot easier on you and those around you.

Randi   

[evecrook]

Many people talk as if the only choice is between staying totally male and a full-on fully feminine transition.  There are many shades of gray between male and female.

I believe that one should only transition as far as is needed to reduce the dysphoria to a tolerable level.  There is a world of things you can do to make yourself more comfortable while placating your employer and family.

Low dose HRT, increased grooming, removal of body and facial hair, dressing in an androgynous manner, adding some jewelry or accessories, growing out your fingernails and many other things.

As for myself, I have no body hair other than a "landing strip". I have been on HRT for several years and my body is well feminized. I wear women's shoes, but not anything you'd see on a drag queen.  There is plenty of underwear that is technically for men, but is very similar to sexy women's underwear.

Yet I have kept my male name and ID, and the rest of my life is intact.  It's pretty obvious to anyone who looks that my body is feminine, but I've never had any comments from someone outside my family.  If you don't act like it's a fetish thing having boobs is something that others can accept. """""" No policeman is going to arrest you for illegal possession of boobs """"""""


this is really true
  ."

I am so very happy when I wake up in the morning and realize my body has changed due to years of HRT.  My dysphoria is all about the body I live in and not the clothes I wear or the name I'm called.  Five years of "baby steps" have brought me to a place where I'm fairly comfortable.

Somehow it was easier that I never "came out".  I waited for my family and friends to tell ME that I was androgynous or even transsexual.

I didn't mean to ramble, but wanted to point out that there is a lot of middle ground between male and female, and if you can find comfort somewhere in the middle, it may be a lot easier on you and those around you.

Randi

[FrancisAnn]

Thank you everyone, I am so grateful this site exists!! Where I live in Ohio it is rural and there is very little support, I have two very dear friends with whom I can be me openly and talk about myself, and of course my therapist who I will see later today. I am scared because I know now that I really want to be Kelli full time and the implications are scary. I want to take this moment though and thank all the ladies that have had the courage to pave the way for the rest of us to have it just a bit easier. Words are not enough to express my gratitude but hope fully my actions will make it easier for the next. God Bless!

I will keep you all close to my heart. (((hugs)))!

Kelli, you are not alone whatsoever. I also live in a rural area with lots of friends to be open with however very few that live close by. My elctrolysis lady has recently become my best new friend. She is great to talk with & so open. So if you move to that stage an electrolysis women may be a source of a new friend close by. Take care & try to just be cool, enjoy the little things in life.

[Ms Grace]

It's hard I know. Hugs.

As for hurting people close to us I would suggest that is a decision they make, it is not something we do to them. They can choose to support us or to reject us, it is that decision which will determine if they feel "hurt" by our trans* status. When they stop thinking about themselves and realise we are still essentially the same person then hopefully they can overcome that decision and heal themselves. 

[JaneNicole2013]

I just want to say that your are not alone in this feeling. I actually signed on to post something similar, but I coudn't have said it myself. I'm three months in on low dose HRT with plans to step it up after the first of the year. I've not told my kids yet, or a few high school/college buddies, but everyone has been soooo accepting. It's just that I wonder if I'll be happy on the other side or have a whole new set of problems? I'm a point in my career where I can jump into middle management and I've held back on that because I don't want to do that THEN transition (although I've considered waiting until after I transition -- and where I am now seems like a safe environment in which to transition), so what am I missing out on? What will my kids think about me? I'm not so much worried about my mom and my dad has passed (I did have a psychic tell me that he felt sorry for me and wanted me to move forward with the transition) but I have two boys and two girls and I've never been a "rock their boat" type of person. As a former anthro student, I know society has its rules for a reason and I'm about to break one of the big ones ya know?

So, thank you for posting this. I wish I had answers. I don't. And it doesn't help that I found out that one of my favorite youtubers (hopefullykylee) took her own life. I really thought she had found true happiness. The only relevant quote I could find is from one of my pantheon of heroes, Joseph Cambell, who said:

Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else.

Jane