Hello!
My name is Pam - I'm a 24 year old grad student who recently came out as genderqueer, though I'm not really sure who I am at this point - it's all sort of evolving as I work through my issues with gender and how I relate to my female body. I'm seeing a counselor at the moment, but we haven't talked too much about this yet as I've been dealing with other things for the past month. But I have another appointment with him on Wednesday and I plan to bring everything up with him because it's really all I've been able to think about for the past week or so.
I grew up very gender fluid, mostly identifying as a boy - short hair, swim trunks, asked my family to call me Dave, really enjoyed passing. When I hit puberty and grew boobs I didn't like it, but I just sort of dealt with it - I still dressed very "tom-boyishly" and have never been particularly feminine, nor have I ever been comfortable seeing myself as a woman.
It all sort of came to a head this semester when I finally began my "adult life" mostly independent of my parents - I started questioning this identity (or non-identity) that I had adopted, this neither-ness. Not a man, not a woman, so what the heck am I? I feel very lucky to have a friend in my grad program who is an openly trans man, currently in transition. He's been so open about his own journey and very supportive of mine.
Dysphoria is a hard question for me - I've never felt as if I was supposed to be born male. I am comfortable with my genitalia - they have always been a part of me and I generally feel positive about them. I do feel that I am beginning to uncover some substantial dysphoria surrounding my breasts. The brain's coping mechanism is an amazing thing - it wasn't until I really thought intentionally and did some journaling about my chest that I realized how much I really despise my breasts. I certainly don't want to rush into anything here, but top surgery is something for which I feel a very strong compulsion, even if I never take any other steps to transition.
So here I am, playing the waiting game. I ordered a binder but it's currently somewhere between New York and where I am. My friend told me to be prepared for some sort of reaction when I see myself in it for the first time - I'm excited, but nervous.
I'm here because I have lots of questions and I am looking for a community of support and understanding. Please introduce yourself! I look forward to meeting you.
Also, can anyone tell me how to upload a picture for my avatar? It isn't giving me the option on my edit profile page...
