Lying. Curious about your opinions?

[chuck]

Another far fetched (not really) hypothetical question. You don't disclose, and you're involved in a serious car crash. It happens every day. The emergency room doctors know nothing about your decision to conceal your past and merely communicate the truth as they see it to your SO. See the problem? Hugs, Devlyn

As someone who has been in that exact same scenario let me tell you what happened -
Doctor "you will be catheterized"
me "oh, uh my penis is a bit different"
Doctor "okay" * looks at my genitals
Doctor "oh you have a micropenis" "and whats this [referring to me phalloplasty] a transplant?"
Me "yep"
Doctor "okay we will use the small catheter then"
*jams catheter into my penis

Girfriend "Be careful with his micropenis - it's small but powerful"  girlfriend giggles and leaves the room

See the not problem?

[calico]

This is  very controversial subject, and while I respect everyone's opinions I still have to say I wouldn't tell someone, its been brought up about not having trust, but IMO its not always about trust, I don't really want to get into about my past unless because its painful and complicated, their isn't picture's of me as a child. my life really began when I hit 21 which was when I transitioned. let me just say before I transitioned it was bad enough that my parents want me to forget it and live my life and they are on board in fact its now at a point we don't talk about it other than it was a tough time in my life and I got through it.

back again on opinions I respect everyone's opinion however if someone doesn't have the same opinion it should be respected equally because there can be more to it than just not wanting to tell because of it and it alone.

I'm kinda at loss for words at the moment all I can say is I am who I am as I always have been, if I cant have the normality I have always wished for than I would rather be dead and dust in the wind, as I said before just having the thought that my bf may think of be differently but not saying anything is enough for me to be unable to continue forward I wouldn't be able to get past it, and ultimately I would prob break it off just because I would have that thought in my head.

please don't be judgmental, we get enough of that already as it is that we don't need it from each other.

[bethany]

I had told my now ex-girlfriend on our third date. We were together just about ten years before other issues broke us up.
She was very accepting, and in fact she bought me my first pair of panties for a birthday gift. She allowed me to dress as long as we were not going out. We would paint each others nails.

We remain friends to this day we just can not be a couple any longer and it's not because I am transitioning. She is very supportive of that. We actually talk more now then we did when we were a couple.

Nothing good can come out of keeping this hidden from someone you supposedly love.
And if they can not accept you for who you are; then they truly are not deserving of your love.

This of course is my opinion.

[chuck]

I had told my now ex-girlfriend on our third date. We were together just about ten years before other issues broke us up.
She was very accepting, and in fact she bought me my first pair of panties for a birthday gift. She allowed me to dress as long as we were not going out. We would paint each others nails.

We remain friends to this day we just can not be a couple any longer and it's not because I am transitioning. She is very supportive of that. We actually talk more now then we did when we were a couple.

Nothing good can come out of keeping this hidden from someone you supposedly love.
And if they can not accept you for who you are; then they truly are not deserving of your love.

You are not first person to say this so its not personal - but how silly to suggest that you don't love someone because you choose not to share something with them. Good grief.

also

Who I am is a guy who doesn't talk about the exact details of genitals and their past appearance. So if someone cant accept me for that, then yeah they are not deserving of my love.

[DriftingCrow]

No need to get upset anyone, the OP asked for opinions, and opinions were given.

If I seemed disrespectful in my post, I apologize. As someone who was given flat out lies as well as omissions/misrepresentations in a relationship I know that as a SO to someone who was trans and didn't tell me, I'd be pretty pissed off and hurt.

It all depends on you, how you feel, and deal with life. If being stealth works in your relationship, cool, go for it if that's what you want.

[chuck]

No need to get upset anyone, the OP asked for opinions, and opinions were given.

If I seemed disrespectful in my post, I apologize. As someone who was given flat out lies as well as omissions/misrepresentations in a relationship I know that as a SO to someone who was trans and didn't tell me, I'd be pretty pissed off and hurt.

It all depends on you, how you feel, and deal with life. If being stealth works in your relationship, cool, go for it if that's what you want.

agreed
I was pretty wound up for a few minutes, so I took a little break from the topic.  But yeah, bottom line is opinions are shared and in the end we do what works best for us.

[Devlyn]

As someone who has been in that exact same scenario let me tell you what happened -
Doctor "you will be catheterized"
me "oh, uh my penis is a bit different"
Doctor "okay" * looks at my genitals
Doctor "oh you have a micropenis" "and whats this [referring to me phalloplasty] a transplant?"
Me "yep"
Doctor "okay we will use the small catheter then"
*jams catheter into my penis

Girfriend "Be careful with his micropenis - it's small but powerful"  girlfriend giggles and leaves the room

See the not problem?

What happens when the person undergoes a procedure that reveals inner organs that are present or not present and reports these findings to the SO? Keep in mind, I'm asking questions, not questioning anybody. Hugs, Devlyn

[bethany]

You are not first person to say this so its not personal - but how silly to suggest that you don't love someone because you choose not to share something with them. Good grief.

also

Who I am is a guy who doesn't talk about the exact details of genitals and their past appearance. So if someone cant accept me for that, then yeah they are not deserving of my love.

Don't worry no offence was taken. This is a good debate.

[DriftingCrow]

I am just curious, to those who prefer to be stealth in a relationship, what would you do if a SO actually asks "are you trans"? Or maybe "were you born with X (condition or intersex)"?

[Oriah]

I'd leave someone over withholding that kind on info.

[randomdude5]

You say that as if being trans isn't a big deal, it is. In some perfect, openminded world where everyone's accepting and trans people can have babies and whatever else, maybe it wouldn't be, but in this world? Yes, it is. Why do you need a serious relationship where you can't be honest with your partner? If you need to have such a big secret between the two of you to keep you together, then why is it worth it?

To me being trans isn't such a huge deal though. I don't even see myself as trans. I see myself as having had a birth defect. I have thought it since I was around 4 and thought I just had an underdeveloped penis that would grow eventually. Lol.

Also I hope no one will get into arguments, as I like this thread and don't want it locked!

I am just curious, to those who prefer to be stealth in a relationship, what would you do if a SO actually asks "are you trans"? Or maybe "were you born with X (condition or intersex)"?

Maybe I would just say I rather not talk about it as it makes me feel depressed or something along those lines. If they bring up the trans thing though, I really can't say for sure what I would say right now. It would depend on how I am feeling at that moment. But for any other questions about infertility or something, like has been mentioned, I would probably just go with something like it was a birth defect and they had to reconstruct. If they would want to know more information about it... (See first sentence of this paragraph...)

[kelly_aus]

As someone who has been in that exact same scenario let me tell you what happened -
Doctor "you will be catheterized"
me "oh, uh my penis is a bit different"
Doctor "okay" * looks at my genitals
Doctor "oh you have a micropenis" "and whats this [referring to me phalloplasty] a transplant?"
Me "yep"
Doctor "okay we will use the small catheter then"
*jams catheter into my penis

Girfriend "Be careful with his micropenis - it's small but powerful"  girlfriend giggles and leaves the room

See the not problem?

The problem would arise when you are not conscious..

[~RoadToTrista~]

To me being trans isn't such a huge deal though. I don't even see myself as trans. I see myself as having had a birth defect. I have thought it since I was around 4 and thought I just had an underdeveloped penis that would grow eventually. Lol.

You might not see it as such but your partner probably would.

[randomdude5]

The problem would arise when you are not conscious..

Not necessarily. They probably wouldn't suspect you are trans right away. They would probably think it was due to something else. A lot of people know so little about transgenders (including believing there are only MTFs and no FTMs) that it probably wouldn't come to thought.

Also I am pretty sure they are not allowed to be telling your SO everything they discover about you while you might be in hospital. Even if they are your SO, as long as you are mentally sane, there is that confidentiality thing. Plus I would have already told them they had to reconstruct my penis so if they were to tell my SO for some reason, "You know... He has a reconstructed penis.." or something? (I truly do not know how they would bring this up to them... Sorry!) there wouldn't/shouldn't be an issue.

[calico]

I am just curious, to those who prefer to be stealth in a relationship, what would you do if a SO actually asks "are you trans"? Or maybe "were you born with X (condition or intersex)"?

I would probably not straight up deny it, but I may not directly answer it. I ask "would it matter?" , if the answer was no then I would state "than lets leave it at that as it is a very complicated and depressing and delicate subject" and "if you must know I will discuss it and go from there"
if they said it mattered I would simply ask why and go from there.

as for sharing childhoods etc, I have very little sharable experiences, and I would touch on those as quite honestly they cant be view as just a normal experience, as for the rest. per therapist's, family, and personal reasons it is best for me to just see it as a bad dream or as it was an experience not my own.
see it this way there are several situations where sometimes things just are not discussed (traumatic experiences are one, for example they were raped by a family member etc.) just to traumatic of an experience, same with some who have came back from war.
but to each their own concerning this- I only state this as I have had a couple friends who have had such things happen, and its a don't speak about ordeal.
so if it ever came up I would cross the bridge when I get there. I will say as of this moment he knows I had a bad/traumatic childhood and he said he didn't need to know if it was that bad. He has experiences he doesn't want to speak about as well and I don't pry. but we do love and trust each other and that's what really matters

Not necessarily. They probably wouldn't suspect you are trans right away. They would probably think it was due to something else. A lot of people know so little about transgenders (including believing there are only MTFs and no FTMs) that it probably wouldn't come to thought.
Also I am pretty sure they are not allowed to be telling your SO everything they discover about you while you might be in hospital. Even if they are your SO, as long as you are mentally sane, there is that confidentiality thing.

That's for here in the US but other parts of the world may have different rules regarding situations etc

[DriftingCrow]

Not necessarily. They probably wouldn't suspect you are trans right away. They would probably think it was due to something else. A lot of people know so little about transgenders (including believing there are only MTFs and no FTMs) that it probably wouldn't come to thought.

Also I am pretty sure they are not allowed to be telling your SO everything they discover about you while you might be in hospital. Even if they are your SO, as long as you are mentally sane, there is that confidentiality thing. Plus I would have already told them they had to reconstruct my penis so if they were to tell my SO for some reason, "You know... He has a reconstructed penis.." or something? (I truly do not know how they would bring this up to them... Sorry!) there wouldn't/shouldn't be an issue.

While there are privacy laws, many spouses (well. . . at least those who go to an estate planner  ) get Health Care Power of Attorneys giving the attorney status to their spouse. With HCPOAs if you're unconscious, brain dead, on lots of morphine, or otherwise incompetent and unable to make your own health care decisions, who ever is your designated health care attorney/proxy makes all those decisions for you.

While, hopefully, no one here is in a horrible situation where your trans past would come up do to an accident or other illness, it possibly could.  Like, get in an accident, you're out of it and need surgery, doctor says to SO "okay I see you're the health care proxy, do you consent to us removing your husband's ovaries?" (assuming you haven't had a hysto yet). While it's easy to just dismiss it as a slim possibility or that it won't happen to you, it's important to keep in mind that we're not invincible and something like this can occur. Of course, maybe it won't or it would be taken care of in whatever birth defect you tell your SO you have. Also, after a horrible accident, likely you'll have other big issues to deal with.

[Devlyn]

While there are privacy laws, many spouses (well. . . at least those who go to an estate planner  ) get Health Care Power of Attorneys giving the attorney status to their spouse. With HCPOAs if you're unconscious, brain dead, on lots of morphine, or otherwise incompetent and unable to make your own health care decisions, who ever is your designated health care attorney/proxy makes all those decisions for you.

While, hopefully, no one here is in a horrible situation where your trans past would come up do to an accident or other illness, it possibly could.  Like, get in an accident, you're out of it and need surgery, doctor says to SO "okay I see you're the health care proxy, do you consent to us removing your husband's ovaries?" (assuming you haven't had a hysto yet). While it's easy to just dismiss it as a slim possibility or that it won't happen to you, it's important to keep in mind that we're not invincible and something like this can occur. Of course, maybe it won't or it would be taken care of in whatever birth defect you tell your SO you have. Also, after a horrible accident, likely you'll have other big issues to deal with.

A little over a half century on this planet has taught me this: Mr. Murphy sees to it that the "it's never going to happen to me" crowd are the most commonly disappointed group in the world. 

[thatboyfresh]

I think it's best to tell a SO ...maybe not a casual date or a one nighter. But with someone you are planing to be with for a long time. It is bound to come out. Weather a relative let's it slip or someone who knows your status. Or in my case when your girlfriend answers the phone when someone calls the house and uses your birth name and birth pronouns. We got through it but she was made at the fact that I "lied" . To me I don't see it as lying... I AM a man. But I can also see how my gf sees it that way. Even if I was fully post op, I would never be able to bring my wife ( future) around my family , or have them at my wedding or have her meet any of my old friend with fear she would find out.

[randomdude5]

That's for here in the US but other parts of the world may have different rules regarding situations etc

I'm not American!

While there are privacy laws, many spouses (well. . . at least those who go to an estate planner  ) get Health Care Power of Attorneys giving the attorney status to their spouse. With HCPOAs if you're unconscious, brain dead, on lots of morphine, or otherwise incompetent and unable to make your own health care decisions, who ever is your designated health care attorney/proxy makes all those decisions for you.

While, hopefully, no one here is in a horrible situation where your trans past would come up do to an accident or other illness, it possibly could.  Like, get in an accident, you're out of it and need surgery, doctor says to SO "okay I see you're the health care proxy, do you consent to us removing your husband's ovaries?" (assuming you haven't had a hysto yet). While it's easy to just dismiss it as a slim possibility or that it won't happen to you, it's important to keep in mind that we're not invincible and something like this can occur. Of course, maybe it won't or it would be taken care of in whatever birth defect you tell your SO you have. Also, after a horrible accident, likely you'll have other big issues to deal with.

Yes. This would be assuming all surgeries have been done, so hysto would have been done as well. You are right though, I had forgotten about the unconscious thing, but if all the parts of your biological sex have been removed I don't think there would be reason for them to suspect trans right away. I really hope that doesn't happen to anyone though. I think you would need some pretty massive trauma to require emergency removal of something like ovaries. You know, assuming the cause was due to some accident. :L

Also to those who have mentioned it can be very difficult to remain stealth to that degree with the internet now. I know this all too well already! Someone almost found me out by googling something and having this site come up but I managed to keep stealth. I am much more careful now though...

[Jared]

I don't think it's lying if you don't disclose. I would just find it to be weird to not tell someone who I trust and plan a long-term relationship. And also don't want to worry about past friends, family members saying things about my past. Maybe if I would be post-op I would disclose later.