intimacy with the wrong body parts

[yaka]

 Wondering how guys who are tops (don't receive during sex) deal with not having a penis pre-surgery? I am struggling with not having the right kind of physical stimulation to go with the mental stimulation of taking someone. Strapons and vibes...don't always work the way you want in the moment. I would love to take someone and feel what they feel. A lot of it is mental of course, though to seek help on it most people IRL don't understand my situation. It's tough because I find myself avoiding sex with my partner despite having the sex drive for it, and resorting to masturbation (can at least imagine I have the right body parts). We've talked and they are open to experimenting with me...but it still feels like a battle I face alone.

[BrotherBen]

I don't have any good answers for you, but I just wanted to chime in and say that I have the same issues. It breaks my heart because my fiancée winds up feeling like she's undesirable when that is not the case at all. 

[insideontheoutside]

The brain is the biggest sex organ, so imagining (especially in a situation where you're going through the motions, even if it is with a strap on, and watching your partner respond, etc.) can go a long way. Also, get the most realistic strap on you can afford.

[Felix]

I don't have any advice, but this is a barrier for me too. I'm normally more a bottom but I don't like to do any particular sexual thing all the time. I have a couple of prosthetics and sometimes I feel like the lack of direct sensation causes too much dysphoria to be worth it. Then I get funny about not wanting my internal struggles to bother my partner, and it gets where I'm overthinking and preferring not to have sex at all.

I dunno. Personally I've had to try to change my expectations and not think too much about what I wish I had. It's not super effective though.

[musicofthenight]

Then I get funny about not wanting my internal struggles to bother my partner

  guys... 

I'm pretty sure it's more okay to share things like that than you suspect.  Even though I don't know details and specifics it seems to be a common pattern. 



Do I have much to add?  Not really, not having faced this particular problem.  But I do notice this:

get the most realistic strap on you can afford.

I have a couple of prosthetics and sometimes I feel like the lack of direct sensation causes too much dysphoria to be worth it.

Realism is really, really hard, and I wonder if perhaps trying to make a better prosthetic detracts from making a better strap-on by ignoring the real advantages they have, especially texture and variety.  Size, too, if you and your partner are into that.  And might not put enough emphasis, if any, on tactile feedback.

I know personally I find "realistic" toys to be too deep in the uncanny valley.  Crazy shapes, artistic colors please.

[Brandon]

  guys... 

I'm pretty sure it's more okay to share things like that than you suspect.  Even though I don't know details and specifics it seems to be a common pattern. 



Do I have much to add?  Not really, not having faced this particular problem.  But I do notice this:

Realism is really, really hard, and I wonder if perhaps trying to make a better prosthetic detracts from making a better strap-on by ignoring the real advantages they have, especially texture and variety.  Size, too, if you and your partner are into that.  And might not put enough emphasis, if any, on tactile feedback.

I know personally I find "realistic" toys to be too deep in the uncanny valley.  Crazy shapes, artistic colors please.

Naw I have to disagree with that one, As a trans guy I'd want a better prosthetic I wouldn't use a strap, I don't like the ideal of a strap, As a transguy I can't speak for everyone but I want something realistic

[Mr.X]

How I deal with being pre-op and thus having the wrong parts? Very simple. I just don't have sex.
Don't get me wrong, I do have the need. And like you, DIY helps a lot because that is the moment your imagination does wonders. But right now, I couldn't have sex with anyone because it would gross me out so much, my mood would be gone. I have to add that I never had a partner, though. So for me abstinence is very easy. In your case I can understand how difficult it is. But the good part is that you can talk about it, and that you are not alone with this problem. 

[BrotherBen]

I know personally I find "realistic" toys to be too deep in the uncanny valley.  Crazy shapes, artistic colors please.

LOL. Agreed. The problem isn't that I look down and don't see a realistic penis, the problem is that I don't receive much direct stimulation from penetrating. I've tried this thing called the "Feeldoe" but somehow that just didn't work out right either.

[Kreuzfidel]

Honestly, I struggle with this, too.

I do not and will not receive any form of penetration or even touching of my "region" by another person without having a prosthetic attached.  My wife has never even seen me completely naked and we have been sleeping together for 3 years.  So having a strap-on is the only option for me - otherwise, when we have sex, I will use my mouth or fingers if I can't be bothered (i.e., feel uncomfortable and embarrassed) getting my "erection" out.

When I first started having sex with her with my strap-on (the first time in my life I had ever used one on another person), it felt natural and right and it was great. But now, three years later, it feels unnatural - it looks fake, feels fake and adds to my dysphoria. 

My solution is going to be to try the ReelMagik prosthetic after my top surgery is over next month.  I think that with it being able to be glued on instead of strapped on, it will help with the realism (I hope).  But yes, it's a struggle - I have a huge sexual urge, but get too dysphoric, embarrassed and uncomfortable using the strap-on.

[Contravene]

I understand your frustration. I've felt the same way before but my girlfriend and I are very open about our sex life so I've talked to her about my dysphoria and we've tried experimenting with things.

It might sound kind of girly but foreplay actually helps a lot. My girlfriend tends to focus on the masculine parts of my body when we're first starting to get intimate like the sensitive parts of my neck or my shoulders (she loves my shoulders). She isn't afraid to be a little more rough with me too. Basically, she just treats me in a masculine way and always has. It also helps that she enjoys when I'm more dominant with her even though we do switch roles and try different things sometimes. A little dirty talk can go a long way too, especially if your partner is using the correct words for your parts. If that makes sense.

I know it's not the same as actually being able to feel someone in that way and I struggle with that a lot too but even little things like what I mentioned can help. I'm a very empathetic person so rather than feeling my girlfriend physically I'm able to feel her pleasure and her emotional reactions to me. I find that kind of tuning into her pleasure emotionally makes the whole experience amazing regardless of whether I'm able to feel her in certain ways physically or not.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Naw I have to disagree with that one, As a trans guy I'd want a better prosthetic I wouldn't use a strap, I don't like the ideal of a strap, As a transguy I can't speak for everyone but I want something realistic

There are prosthetics you can adhere to yourself with medical grade glue.

[Brandon]

There are prosthetics you can adhere to yourself with medical grade glue.

I know that, That's what meant I like realistic prosthetics I think it helps us guys out

[yaka]

thanks guys. I do agree about the foreplay thing, I think in future I'll focus on that more with the actual sex secondary. Also the feeling of fakeness too, which is really frustrating. I considered the RM but it makes me wonder whether it would be worth it - since in the end no matter how realistic it's not the real deal.

[greypeacock]

Whenever I am with someone (not much as of late) I've always thought of it like 'This is the sensitive erogenous tissue I stimulate to make my lover's mind go wild'. I understand the desire to drive your hips and rock into someone, but that can be done in other ways. I find that a lot of foreplay that helps me is to kind of grind on their backside awhile sans prosthetic until I am in the mood myself. Then you can reach for a tool and continue if you like, or if your lover wants to feel penetrated. As odd as this sounds, I kind of put myself into the mindset that I am partially a cyborg. It's still me, and when what I have doesn't fulfil the act desired, I grab an attachment piece.

[james-felix]

I have the same problem, and it is tough as hell. Have you tried experimenting with double dildos? It's a bit intense on the penetration on your side, but I know some guys really like them. I use a swinger pad, which is made for straight people but will totally work for FTMs - it's like a little silicon pad that wraps around a penis (or in this case, you flip it the other way around your strap on so it faces you instead of your partner) and provides clitoral stimulation. If there's a good feminist sex shop in your town they can help you, otherwise I think you can buy them online?

[GnomeKid]

How do I deal with it?  Not well.

=p

But really its been so damn long I'd probably deal with it a little better than I used to 5+ years ago.  Then again, top surgery and hormones probably play into that dealing with it better too (if only my ex had waited another ->-bleeped-<-ing year before dumping me... she knew everything was scheduled!!! [we were together for 3])

heres things that helped:
getting a more flesh colored dick and wearing boxers (or something) to cover up the strap on straps

Also, please correct me if I'm wrong but, I can't imagine any prosthetic involving glue is going to be very pleasant during the doins.  Nothing like having to stop f-cking because your dick ripped a layer of your pubic skin off... but maybe you're into some pain? 

[Makalii]

I understand your frustration. I've felt the same way before but my girlfriend and I are very open about our sex life so I've talked to her about my dysphoria and we've tried experimenting with things.

It might sound kind of girly but foreplay actually helps a lot. My girlfriend tends to focus on the masculine parts of my body when we're first starting to get intimate like the sensitive parts of my neck or my shoulders (she loves my shoulders). She isn't afraid to be a little more rough with me too. Basically, she just treats me in a masculine way and always has. It also helps that she enjoys when I'm more dominant with her even though we do switch roles and try different things sometimes. A little dirty talk can go a long way too, especially if your partner is using the correct words for your parts. If that makes sense.

I know it's not the same as actually being able to feel someone in that way and I struggle with that a lot too but even little things like what I mentioned can help. I'm a very empathetic person so rather than feeling my girlfriend physically I'm able to feel her pleasure and her emotional reactions to me. I find that kind of tuning into her pleasure emotionally makes the whole experience amazing regardless of whether I'm able to feel her in certain ways physically or not.

I know it might not be my place to say this on this thread being I'm a transgirl but I feel for you boys. Not in the same way, but the same pain nonetheless. I've called myself in the past "sexually crippled" or "intimately lost." And that truly is the way it feels, it's frustrating and disheartening and all together dysphoria at one of its worst.

But yeah I agree with the above quote I guess. For some of us the empathy and foreplay is where we need it the most. I always find that the best part when people are intimate with me is while all of my clothes are still on! When they hold me like a woman, talk to me like to a woman, and look at me like at a woman. Sometimes thinking about it can make me so happy and aroused I want to cry.

So my advice to you boys is this. Hold your girl with your big strong arms like you're the toughest man in the world, because to her you are. Ask her to talk to you in all the right ways, and look at all the right things, and I'm sure she'll be happy to oblige. Show her that special manliness that you all have in you, and her reaction will be all the more assuring for you.

Sex is just like trying to pass, it's not so much about what your body is made of, but how you use it. I don't have hips but I still sway them when I walk. I don't have boobs but I still make a big deal out of them. So talk tough boys, tell yourself you're a bad@$$, and show off your muscles!

(Sorry if I brought my unwanted girliness into your big manly conversation! ^_^ )
With Passion, Maka

[anibioman]

I would love to take someone and feel what they feel

do you mean that literally? because there is
http://www.edenfantasys.com/dildos/double-ended-dildos/realdoe-slim

[assorted_human]

LOL. Agreed. The problem isn't that I look down and don't see a realistic penis, the problem is that I don't receive much direct stimulation from penetrating. I've tried this thing called the "Feeldoe" but somehow that just didn't work out right either.

I've got the feeldoe and it does wonders for me personaly. However one downside is that I got it so I wouldn't need a strap on and though I really like the way it feels I still need to use straps if I'm on top. :/

[thatboyfresh]

Since starting T it takes a lot less to stimulate that area. What I do is wear my stuff (which is a strapon) and then wear a tight fitting pear of boxer briefs over it. It keeps everything tight to the body and I really feel every "motion of the ocean" lol,  another helpful thing for the mental aspect is that you don't see the harness just the penis part sticking out the flap and that helps me a lot visually.  That being said my girlfriend get's a lot more thrill from foreplay and other things, so I focus on that more. Even though PIV sex is what everyone talks about, it's not the ONLY thing so maybe try exploring a bit with your partner?  You can have a really good time with out even taking your clothes off