is it important to tell a person youbeen dating awhile your birth gender

[Urban Christina]

Well, I don't know if it is always pre-op/post-op on the question of disclosure. I've had oral sex with someone in the last week and I didn't disclose. It was just something I did (that I shouldn't have done). But I shouldn't have done it because I have a BF not because of I should disclose because I might get hurt. I don't hook up (or even talk to) people who are potentially violent. And yeah you can tell if a guy is capable of murder. The guy wanted to have vaginal sex too and tried until I slapped his hand away and told him I was having my period. So, he didn't know that much I know.

Am I morally abhorrent for not disclosing? I don't think so. Was it smart? I don't know. I like to live life and make the best choices I can given my circumstances. Plus far too many trans girls are way, way too cautious and barely leave the house. I didn't do this to stay in. So people need to make their own decisions. But what I hope for each and every person here is to try what I try to do: LIVE. And often times, that requires not disclosing, especially up front. Now, I might not have the most experience but I am dating and have had sex and prolly coulda had a lot more. So, I think I know a lil something. Not much. But a lil.

Assuming your boyfriend knows your history, why would you go behind someone's back who was man enough to accept you for who you are and give out head? Do you not have any idea of how lucky you're to have him?

[Cindy]

 

I just want to say something from a Moderators point.

For a variety of reasons we are very short on the ground at the moment and those of us who are around are working crazy hours on top of our normal lives.

There is no way that I can physically read every single post in every single thread.

We are dependent upon YOU the members to follow ToS and to report stuff that upsets you.

Please do so.

And please please please think of how your post may be perceived by someone else.

None of us are even close to perfect, most of us are not even close to being capable of dealing with our own situations current and past; including me.

Lets reflect on that.

We have no one who gets close to understanding and accepting us except ourselves.

Lets reflect on that.

Please.

Cindy

[calico]

None of us are even close to perfect, most of us are not even close to being capable of dealing with our own situations current and past; including me.

Lets reflect on that.

We have no one who gets close to understanding and accepting us except ourselves.

Lets reflect on that.

Please.

Cindy

well put Cindy

[stephaniec]

Well I'm 30 years downstream from SRS, and despite being partially anatomically male at the time, I grew up as mostly female thanks to parents so far ahead of their time they were almost in the next galaxy!!!

So obligation to tell? NOPE!

Would I? YEP!

When? Quite early on actually and well before we move beyond casual friendship.

Why? Because I want to test their reaction to find out whether they are worthy of my affections or even interest. If they react badly I'm going to eject them from my life so forcefully they are going to wonder what the  heck just hit them. If they react with a reasonable or questioning response THEN and only then do we have anything worth wasting my time on. So I don't worry about them rejecting me, but they sure as heck better worry that I won't reject them.

Basically I'm almost arrogant enough to think that rare people like us are special and superior and we don't want to be wasting our time on a boring "norm" who isn't worthy of it! (oh and please note the wink!)

So does this mean I am fully out and open? NOPE!

Explain...? Well at work or in casual social situations I don't see the need to tell anyone about something which happened so long ago that most of them weren't even born.  The only exception I make to this is if I think that telling someone will serve a useful purpose, such as for example enabling me to educate my fellow medical students about how to react to something like that - and of course to show that that with some of us, and contrary to popular belief, there simply are no tell tale signs...

But your signature says you identify as CIS - how does that work? Well I didn't experience gender dysphoria, I was intersex, I didn't have much difficulty getting my treatment and after this long I certainly don't have any issues - I also tend to assume most cis privileges, so its not a perfect fit, but then nor are any of the available labels and cis happens to be the closest I can find. Also it is a tenet of this site that people have the right to self identify as they wish.

I think dr who nails this pretty good. for an older transitioner  like myself I doubt I'd have to worry about people not guessing and even if they didn't the older partner would most likely not care any way.  I think its more of a question on whether you want to be with that person in what ever capacity  regardless  of their past. Of course. unless you just want sex.     

[Chaos]

For me it depends.a one night stand or fling of lust and probably someone I won't see again,probably not.friends maybe if they can be trusted but as someone who will be stealth (or at least try and disown those who out me) I feel its on an 'need to know' bases and nothing more.so if someone needs to know and I feel they should,then I will.but frankly no one is entitled to my past or who I am,I give it freely or not at all.

[Missadventure]

I haven't read this entire thread, so I can't comment on what others have said. Nor can I really honestly say for myself what my take on it is as I have yet to be put in that situation. I do know I had the desire to transition before meeting my last partner, and I buried it for her sake and tried to live and be with her as the man she wanted. The result was me feeling miserable for the two years it took the relationship to end. And having finally come out to her after the relationship died she told me she knew the whole time and that it's the reason she stopped loving me. Whether that's true or not, I don't know.

The lesson there is denying who you are only causes pain. And, a persons past is what makes them who they are. I lived, for better or worse, what probably amounts to half my life as a man. It shaped me, molded me, and had a big impact on who I am. The pain, the awkwardness, the confusion, it's all a part of me. And for me to be in a relationship pretending that it never happened is not only a lie to my partner, it's a lie to myself.

Plus my mom chronicled the first 18 years of my life with a encyclopedia sized set of photo albums. It's the only thing of hers I have left, and I have no plans to get rid of it or hide it, and that's a hard thing to explain to a SO without telling them. 

[Carlita]

Well, I'm only just starting on the road, so it'll be a long time before I'm ready to have ANY kind of sexual/romantic relationship as a woman. But here's what I've learned from my not-so-great attempt top live as a man: secrets always come out, and the always, always hurt.

My wife and children are devastated by the discovery that I'm trans. They feel lied to. They can't trust their emotions or even their memories any more because suddenly the person they thought they knew as their husband or father don't seem to be that person any more ... and maybe wasn't ever that person ... so what does that do to all the love they placed in me when they thought I was a man? They're confused, they're uncertain, they're scared, they feel betrayed ... and are they angry about that? Hell yeah!

Now, I try to tell them that I always loved them and always will, that I never lied to them or pretended to love them when I didn't. But they just don't know whether to believe that any more. And it's killing me.

So when I'm at a point to have a relationship with someone else that is going to involve any kind of emotional commitment between us, I'm going to make damn sure that the person I'm with knows exactly what they're getting. That way, if they're still interested, I'll feel secure. I won't ever be afraid of what might happen if they ever found out. I won't have to tell little white lies about growing up as a girl, or have to remember to get my story straight, or explain how come I know so much about sport and military history. I can relax ... and, if it ever comes to this, which I pray it does, I can know that I am loved form myself, as I truly am ... which is all I've ever wanted in the world.

[Saffron]

Finally my words are targeting transsexual women. A transsexual is a woman yes indeed. They yearn to do whatever is possible to be a woman. That often includes such things as FFS, BA, tons of work and finally SRS because SRS is part of the process. They may not have had SRS but they sure as heck want and yearn for it because it completes the process and gives them what current technology can offer to be as real a woman as they can.

I was not talking to the people that don't want SRS. Hey there is nothing wrong with that its your call.............I just was not talking to you.

Trans women who doesn't want SRS still does form part of the transexual women group too. I also find problematic this sentence "gives them what current technology can offer to be as real a woman as they can." or this one "They yearn to do whatever is possible to be a woman". It's not about being what you already are, but fixing your body.

If a man loses his penis, and then he needs to take HRT and undergo surgery to create another one, would you say that he was happy to do anything possible to be a man again?

Please, don't reduce us to body parts.

[nonameyet]

morally id say its pretty low on the list of offenses but i still see it as an obligation to let your partner know. actually from what i understand of ftm srs itd be hard not to let them find out ( i mean absolutely no offense to any ftm reading).

regardless. if you cant share that with them, how intimate can the relationship be?