I've been thinking about this for awhile, since it seems like sometimes there's a disconnect on here between what people need and what others think that person needs.
On this area of Susan's, as well as in another section I saw (and I was kind of disgusted with the behavior over there), there's lots of people who truly do want to be helpful by giving advice to other members. I understand why people want to give advice and share their own personal experiences since it is helpful to some people, but that's not always what the original poster needs. Sometimes people just need to have a shoulder to cry on, or an area where they can just scream at the top of their lungs. I am sure we've all had times in our lives where we were really upset about something and just wanted to b*tch to someone about it. Sometimes giving support is just leaning back and saying "yep" and "that sucks man", because when we're in that type of mood, it's sometimes very counterproductive and unsupportive to start criticizing and trying to offer advice to the person in need.
Sometimes it may seem like someone is looking for advice, but if it becomes clear that it's not what they're looking for, it's just best to not continue to try to push it on the person. This other area of the board I saw that I mentioned above, someone posted something labeled "rant" in the ARRGGH! section of the board; usually when I see stuff over there, I just default into thinking someone just needs to scream it out and be done. Some people were trying to be very helpful by offering advice, but became extremely hostile when the OP made it clear that it wasn't what she was looking for or in need of. By continuing to try to offer advice and calling her names and giving her posts thumbs downs, it just made things worse and the thread was eventually locked. No one's needs were addressed, and everyone still felt angry.
I know we all have feelings, and sometimes it can feel like we're getting smacked in the face if we try to be helpful to others only to have them say that they don't want our help. But, we shouldn't get too emotional about it. If we're trying to help someone, we need to help them in the way that's best for them. We shouldn't take it personally or get upset, because if we actually intend on helping someone else we should know it's about them, not ourself.
I've seen some of the same behavior on this area too, and a member recently asked [paraphrased] how can we support you if you don't want our advice? To me, the answer becomes quite evident, you can try to offer some advice, but the moment it's shot down, don't get in their face about it, because that makes matters worse and it doesn't support anybody. Just say something like "I understand" or "I hope things get better for you" and move on.
My parents did foster care, so I helped out a lot with over 25 children, and spent part of a summer being a nanny to a child with behavioral problems, so this example should be understood with anyone who's ever dealt with children:
Some of the back-and-forth I've seen reminds me of when you're exhausted and frustrated and you're trying to get a kid to eat their beets. You say "here little Johnny, beets are good for you and tasty, yum", but Johnny doesn't want to eat them. You tell him he's not to get any dessert without eating them, you tell them they're healthy and will make him big and strong like Daddy. Little Johnny still doesn't want to listen. Instead of coming up with a proactive solution to the problem, you start yelling at the kid, which makes him yell back and start crying. Everyone's a looser here because you got angry over something that could've been solved in a creative way (like mixing them into mashed potatoes) and Johnny goes to bed without those nutrients and an empty stomach. In this situation, the caregiver here has acted like a child him/herself.
I know I am not perfect, and sometimes I act like a child and get upset over things that don't matter at all. But I think we all need to work together to make this place more supportive for everyone, and tailor our responses to how we know someone here needs support. If we see a situation starting to fuel, we all need to know when it's best to step back and not add to the fire.
Anyways, that's just my opinion and view on the matter.
