New here

[Crazy4Cyn]

I don't wanna say my name, but I am  25 years old and ever since I was a little kid I always felt like I was born into the wrong body. I went through a faze when I was a kid about wanting to be a boy and a friend went through this faze with me too, but for me it never was a faze, I've tried to kid myself into thinking it was, but I knew it wasn't. It was a faze for my friend, but not for me. I never thought about coming out to anyone. I'm too scared too. I know it would break my mom's heart, I don't think I'd be disown by her, but I know it would kill her and my family too. I don't understand why I feel this way, why I feel I was born in the wrong body. God doesn't make mistakes, but why did God make me like this? I can't change myself into a man because God didn't make me a man, so that is why I am so confused. I want to be a man, but I can't and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. But I don't want to be with a man. So I know I'm gunna be alone for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do.  I have no one to talk to about this.

[tinkerbell]

Hello there and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the forums of the site, review the site rules, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay!

tink

[J.T.]

hey there!

wanted to welcome you to the forums.

You are already the man you want to be... it doesn't matter what you are on the outside if you know who you are that is all that matters.  Once you get your confidence up the ladies will be flocking.

I used to feel alone too, but now i know that i finally belong.  This place is filled with lots of supportive people and please feel free to use them.

[MeghanAndrews]

Hey Crazy,
First, WELCOME to Susan's. I think you'll be impressed not just with the volume of information on here, but mostly with the community. I think it's pretty safe to safe that the information probably gets people here but the community KEEPS people here. You sound like you feel very alone. Don't worry, there are people here that have gone through/are going through the same things as you. Sometimes just knowing that makes a difference, especially when you feel like you have no one to talk to, like you said.

Have you ever considered seeing a gender therapist? That could probably be done without your family knowing and might help point you in the right direction. Some of them might even do phone counseling for you. You said that you came out to one friend, do you still talk through your issues with that person? Do you think keeping a journal would help you get your thoughts together and give you a little bit of an outlet? I know that's helped me quite a bit.

Anyway, welcome. I'll see you around, Meghan

[HelenW]

Welcome to Susan's!

All of your questions, fears and doubts have been experienced by many of the people here at Susan's.  I hope as you read and learn, that some of your confusion will be eased.

For instance, I'm certain that the Deity doesn't make mistakes either and that I was created as a trans person for a reason.  Your feelings are not a mistake, if you ask me.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

[Lori]

God doesn't make mistakes,

Then how do you explain the conservative right and war monging christians?

So how do you know you will never be a man? Have you tried? There are plenty of female to males on this very forum who have had no problems doing it. How do you know you will be single as a man? All your words are based on "nothing".
When you realise Nature rules and kicks out different species in the never ending struggle of evolution, you will then realize you can be who you really are. Nature creates oddities. Organisms cannot change or adapt without the internal dna changing and in that very process, unique organisms are spun off. You must unlearn what you have with this God thing. Only then will you truly find peace.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Crazy4cyn,

  Welcome to susans.
   I understand how you can be confused into feeling you're crazy, but you're not crazy. You're a unique human being whose journey is going to be different than what most people will know.
   I believe that God does not make mistakes. Being transgendered is perfectly natural. It is the society that tells us it is wrong.  There are different ways of treating the depression brought about by being TG and this is where a good counselor can be helpful.
   Someone here on this site once said something like; God made Man and God made woman, but God never described what bodies they would have. Using this logic, it really is okay for you to be who you are. How you decide to express it is your decision.

   I wish you luck. I really hope that you stick around because I'm certain that this will be a place where you can truly express your male self and be safe at the same time.


  Love,

Rebecca

[Owen]

Hello Crazy4cyn welcome to Susans. I was born a boy with a female soul. Look forward to your posts.

Linda Ann

Love being female

[Robyn]

God doesn't make mistakes, but why did God make me like this? I can't change myself into a man because God didn't make me a man, so that is why I am so confused. I want to be a man, but I can't and I don't know what to do.

I know I'm gunna be alone for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do.  I have no one to talk to about this.

No, God doesn't make mistakes.  He made you male in this manner so that (1) you can rise to His challenge and (2) so your family and others can practice the Christ's second commandment to love our neighbor as ourself.  It's called unconditional love.

No, you don't have to be alone.  Lots of women have FTM partners who transition to male.  My husband is FTM.

Do check our links on the Main Page under Medical\Counselors and Therapists.  If you are in the USA, we have them listed by state.

Don't be alone with this.  Maybe go to Gender Odyssey in Seattle over Labor Day weekend.  Usually about 400 people there who are just like you.

Robyn

[MaraOnline]

Hi,

I'm new here too but your family situation sounds very similar to mine. I hope you find what you want and have the courage to follow your heart. I grew up in a religious household, so I know the pains of crying out to God asking why.

[Crazy4Cyn]

Have you ever considered seeing a gender therapist? That could probably be done without your family knowing and might help point you in the right direction. Some of them might even do phone counseling for you. You said that you came out to one friend, do you still talk through your issues with that person? Do you think keeping a journal would help you get your thoughts together and give you a little bit of an outlet? I know that's helped me quite a bit.


I don't have the money to see a gender therapist. The person I came out to is a nurse I'm seeing right now, but she didn't know what to tell me. It seems to upset my mom when I try to flatten myself up top, and she's like "you don't want to be a boy do you?" like she was really upset. I just can't see myself coming out to the world. I'm too afraid  because people know me as this girl, not a boy, ya know what I mean? I don't believe I'd be disown by my mother or family, it would just kill them inside because it's not the person they see me as... a boy. I do see a counsler, but I never got the courage to tell her about the issue I have, I'm too afraid, and I'm too afraid to bring up the issue with her. I try to tell her in different ways, but maybe in her head and my mom's and my family's head they know something is not right. But they choose to ignore it, and it's something I don't want to talk to my family about. I feel like I'm gunna be stuck in this body forever, and I think this way because of how I was bought  up, in a catholic relgion. 

[Dennis]

It does get better. I can't remember where I read it but someone said that when you transition, you have to be in a place where you can let go of everything and then cherish the things you retain.

And it certainly doesn't mean your love life will end. I thought it would for me, but have now got a girlfriend and our relationship is supported by all of her friends (and they're all aware of my trans status). Many women, both GG and MtF, are interested in FtM's.

You're still pretty young, so don't rule out finding the right professionals who can help you. In the meantime, getting yourself in the best income earning position that you can and keeping yourself healthy are good starting moves.

Dennis

[Crazy4Cyn]

Then how do you explain the conservative right and war monging christians?

So how do you know you will never be a man? Have you tried? There are plenty of female to males on this very forum who have had no problems doing it. How do you know you will be single as a man? All your words are based on "nothing".
When you realise Nature rules and kicks out different species in the never ending struggle of evolution, you will then realize you can be who you really are. Nature creates oddities. Organisms cannot change or adapt without the internal dna changing and in that very process, unique organisms are spun off. You must unlearn what you have with this God thing. Only then will you truly find peace.

I've never tried being man. I feel uncomfortable in public. As much as I'd like to go out and be man, I just can't do it.  I don't know if I Will be single as man, but as a girl yes because I don't want to be with a man. But it's this whole religion thing and keeps me from changing myself to a man and my family. They just don't see me as a boy, but a girl. And then I think if I'm supposed to be a man why wasn't I born a man? I was born a girl for a reason, but yet I don't know why? I feel like I'm in the wrong body, but why do I feel like that? Because I am? But God didn't make me man, and that's a big issue I have. I don't understand why I feel this way, and I feel like there's nothing I can do to change it because of my beliefs. I'm stuck.

Posted on: July 06, 2007, 11:33:58 AMThanks to all your responses. I want to be able to tell my counsler about this, but it's very uncomfortable to me to tell anyone. But I feel like I will be trapped in this body until the day I die. I can't see myself coming out ever. Like I said before religious reasons, and family reasons. And I'm a shorty too, so it would probably be hard for me to get a girlfriend, because most girls like a man who's taller than them.

[Manyfaces]

You won't always be under the close control of your family, unless you choose to be; you'll become an adult and move away into your own life and become independent, and then you'll have many more choices and options than you may feel you have now.  In the meantime, I agree with Dennis; keep yourself healthy, and focus on your education and becoming self-supporting as soon as possible. 

Also, use this time to learn everything you can about the FTM process and about gender issues generally--there's a ton of great and helpful information available here on this site and elsewhere online--and how other people have dealt with family issues, and I strongly recommend that since you are already in counseling, you try to work up the courage to be very direct with your counselor about this.  She might be able to help, but if you don't tell her, there's nothing she can do.

You can do this! 

[Crazy4Cyn]

You won't always be under the close control of your family, unless you choose to be; you'll become an adult and move away into your own life and become independent, and then you'll have many more choices and options than you may feel you have now.  In the meantime, I agree with Dennis; keep yourself healthy, and focus on your education and becoming self-supporting as soon as possible.

Also, use this time to learn everything you can about the FTM process and about gender issues generally--there's a ton of great and helpful information available here on this site and elsewhere online--and how other people have dealt with family issues, and I strongly recommend that since you are already in counseling, you try to work up the courage to be very direct with your counselor about this.  She might be able to help, but if you don't tell her, there's nothing she can do.

You can do this! 

Thanks for the support. I'm a very dependent person. I'm always leaning on my mother to help me. There are some things I just can't do on my own. I'm 25 years old and still living at home because I don't make enough money to live on my own, and if I did, I don't want to live alone. As much as I need to be on my own, I don't see it happening anytime in the near future. I'm just too dependent on my mother.

I hope that I can gather up the courage to tell my counsler about this. Every time I go to see her, i wanna tell her,  but I end up chickening out all the time. I hope I get the courage someday to tell her. But I know I'll always be trapped in this body.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi,

   Maybe you feel that you can't be on your own because you are not ready to fully accept yourself. Being alone or with other people might be scary to you because you do not exactly know who you are as a person. You haven't been able to express your true self and you have been unable to build your confidence.

   I think you will grow into who you are at some point. If you can say something to your counselor, it might be the first step for you in finding some of the answers to the questions you have. The counselor won't be able to solve everything for you, but having one person you can talk to will help take some pressure off of you. I wasn't able to process my own condition until I could discuss it with people.

   Stay healthy is some of the best advice I've heard from anyone.

[Crazy4Cyn]

Hi,

   Maybe you feel that you can't be on your own because you are not ready to fully accept yourself. Being alone or with other people might be scary to you because you do not exactly know who you are as a person. You haven't been able to express your true self and you have been unable to build your confidence.

   I think you will grow into who you are at some point. If you can say something to your counselor, it might be the first step for you in finding some of the answers to the questions you have. The counselor won't be able to solve everything for you, but having one person you can talk to will help take some pressure off of you. I wasn't able to process my own condition until I could discuss it with people.

   Stay healthy is some of the best advice I've heard from anyone.

I'm not sure why I can't be on my own. I'm an extremely shy person so it makes things a lot harder for me and that's why I depend on my mother so much and she's trying to make me independent, but it's just too hard for me.

Yeah, I'm gunna try to say something to my counsler. Hopefully I can get up the courage, but I don't know yet. I'm just really scared too.