I don't want this to end...

[DietFresca]

So in the past two months I've been on an exciting path of self discovery, I've been living as a woman and it has brought me happiness and peace like I never imagined.  The public is by and large supportive, my family has disowned me long ago over simply wearing bras... so forget how they would react to my living as a woman full time.

I had chosen my name, I made friends under that name, even a couple of FWB under that name and I was mostly ok with it, but a little concerned that one was going into relationship territory too fast for me.  Then, the phone call happened.  "We saw your resume and our client would be very interested in a face to face interview here in Chicago, after the phone interview, of course, but what is your availability for phone and in person?"

I was gobsmacked.... "uhhh, 24 hour notice for phone, 48 hour notice for face to face" that seemed to satisfy them, a few more logistics and then we said our goodbyes.  That's when it hit me... living as a woman cannot continue once I get my next job.  Then the infinite sadness, the depression, the nightmares of my fingernails getting pulled out.

That's where I am right now, trying to make sense of it, trying to work out some compromise where I can interview/work yet still live as a woman.  As hard as it is to find a job at ALL in my industry, I hardly feel any employer will see their way to allowing me to live as a woman as I work... especially in the midwest.

So here I loathe, sitting on the precipice of the life I had started to build, knowing I have to come back down to the ground if I want to make a living, or stay where I am and run out of money before long.

I don't suppose any of you owns a software business and needs an automation engineer who lives/dresses as a woman...

[Devlyn]

I'll bet somebody owns a company like that, go find 'em! Hugs, Devlyn

[Gina Taylor]

So in the past two months I've been on an exciting path of self discovery, I've been living as a woman and it has brought me happiness and peace like I never imagined.  The public is by and large supportive, my family has disowned me long ago over simply wearing bras... so forget how they would react to my living as a woman full time.

I had chosen my name, I made friends under that name, even a couple of FWB under that name and I was mostly ok with it, but a little concerned that one was going into relationship territory too fast for me.  Then, the phone call happened.  "We saw your resume and our client would be very interested in a face to face interview here in Chicago, after the phone interview, of course, but what is your availability for phone and in person?"

I was gobsmacked.... "uhhh, 24 hour notice for phone, 48 hour notice for face to face" that seemed to satisfy them, a few more logistics and then we said our goodbyes.  That's when it hit me... living as a woman cannot continue once I get my next job.  Then the infinite sadness, the depression, the nightmares of my fingernails getting pulled out.

That's where I am right now, trying to make sense of it, trying to work out some compromise where I can interview/work yet still live as a woman.  As hard as it is to find a job at ALL in my industry, I hardly feel any employer will see their way to allowing me to live as a woman as I work... especially in the midwest.



So here I loathe, sitting on the precipice of the life I had started to build, knowing I have to come back down to the ground if I want to make a living, or stay where I am and run out of money before long.

I don't suppose any of you owns a software business and needs an automation engineer who lives/dresses as a woman...

I'd sugest being honest with them. Several years ago, I had a TG friend who went for a job at Target and she had her finger nails polished. During the interview she was sitting on her hands hopping that the interviewer didn't notice that her finger nails were polished. She was offeerd the job and then she told her new boss what her plans were and they said no problem. She transitioned right there at Target. So what I'm saying is, make sure you get the job first before you tell them your plans. Good Luck! 

[E-Brennan]

I'm inclined to agree - perhaps honesty is the best option here?

Of course, don't burst into the interview in full female mode and utterly confuse them.  But mention it to them if you get past the initial interview stage.  Perhaps mention it when you talk to the HR staff, who might be far more understanding.  Or wait for a while until after you've started the job and settled in, until after you've proven yourself a good worker and an indispensable employee.

It's a tough choice, but unless you know for sure that this company would absolutely not hire you because of your gender issues, then it's a choice you're creating and not a choice which is being imposed upon you (if that makes sense.)  And it's a fair conclusion, given the fact that there are still plenty of people out there who just don't understand and who would gladly pass over a qualified trans candidate in favor of someone who is more "normal".

But give them a chance.

You might find that the employer "gets it", and they realize that your performance at work has nothing to do with how you present yourself physically.  They may be very progressive and accommodating.  They may surprise you.  There's plenty of horror stories on this site about getting fired for coming out at work, but there's also plenty of stories about how generous and kind employers and co-workers can be too.

I absolutely get the practicalities of keeping the female side hidden.  We've got to put food on the table and put a roof over our heads, and often that means hiding the girl inside, painful as that is.  In many cases, the job simply has to come first.  That's how it is for me and many others, but we manage - most of the time!

And there are ways to compartmentalize all of this - it's never easy, but you can have separate lives at work and outside work.  While a full and permanent physical transition might be off the table for the immediate future, you're only at work for 8-10 hours a day.  There's plenty of time left for who you want to be outside work, especially if you take care to ensure that your work doesn't encroach into your personal life too much.

You might see it as a black and white, on or off situation, but perhaps it isn't.  There are shades of gray in between, and compromises that you can make that will give you some breathing room until you're better situated to transition permanently.

I truly hope all of this works out for you.   🙂

[Gina Taylor]

I'm inclined to agree - perhaps honesty is the best option here?

Of course, don't burst into the interview in full female mode and utterly confuse them.  But mention it to them if you get past the initial interview stage.  Perhaps mention it when you talk to the HR staff, who might be far more understanding.  Or wait for a while until after you've started the job and settled in, until after you've proven yourself a good worker and an indispensable employee.

Great advice Michele!  🙂