After hanging out with a friend yesterday and having a fun time, I feel very.....back and forth. In my head I've been debating why I should and why I shouldn't transition.
It's the negative and postive. For every negative I dispute a positive. When I leave it be I become a bit exhausted..
I'm tired of studying the language I used to enjoy. I should quit / Learning is hard work you must not give up.
If I grow my hair out again I can pull of an adrogynous look. / How long would that take?
I can't afford therapy right now. I have to wait even longer so I can find work. / Who's going to watch your parents?
Maybe I'm lying to myself. I mean I've managed for this long. / How much longer will you hide the rest?
It goes on and on in my head. I'm trying to make little plans in the here and now, but I'm exhausted, slowly dettaching, and feel like dropping everything and just laying here for days on end. Responsibilities and more responsibilities pile with not too much reprieve. I try to clear my head some days so I can continue to manage the here and now as it happens. But today, it's an Imogen Heap : Have you got it in you kind of night.
The beginning of the day: It takes a lot to be always on form
Middle: Let me have it all, let me have a battle on,
Easy target look can we just, just get it over with?
My urge to start transitioning: Safety first don't push, what's the hurry?
Now: Been one of those days
Just waiting for it all to pass. Till then I guess I'll make some tea and finish up.
