hello im rinaballerina!
I have been lurking for some time now. But only now decided to post. I guess I will tell you as economically as possible about myself and "where" I'm coming from.
I have a fairly good memory but I dont know how much has been warped with time.
As a kid I was a pretty energetic. I was raised as a boy and lived in the middle of nowhere. Think cold. I didnt have many friends but I just did my thing. Even though I was the typical little boy, I already knew I was different. I remember envying girls clothing and long hair. I remember reading the book "The Mountain of Tibet" by Mordicai Gerstein, in which a man is reincarnated as a girl and it profoundly affecting me. I remember thinking: "I really wish I could do that now." I never expressed my desires to anyone and it was confusing because I liked girl and boy things.
Then I started crossdressing. I remember wearing dresses from my sisters hand-me-down costume box. I remember stopping because my sister found me wearing my mothers stockings under my clothing. I went to kindergarten and didnt crossdress and repressed my desires for a long time.
For a long time I just wanted to fit in but I didnt lol. I got into J-rock and death metal (> 3 >)' and learned of linetrap. I think the two really opened me up to boys dressed/looking like women. I became obsessed with looking feminine. I tried growing my hair but my parent made me do sports each season, and come wrestling season my dad would have it shaved off. It was terrible. I was still obsessing but denying my own feelings.
It wasnt until I was 15 that I actually started to dress up. I was very insecure and hid it. I gradually started building a wardrobe, learning about makeup, and got a wig. This is
where I mess up and should be a warning.I do recall being vaguely aware of this site but did not explore enough. I didnt know where to go to discuss or ask for feedback on cd/trans things and I felt insecure about passing. so i began posting on imageboards.
If you are young and self conscious. DO NOT DO THIS. None of them are for us but to exploit us. I think all young girls of this age face this problem with exposing themselves to the internet. I guess everyone craves attention but this was unhealthy way to receive it.
Nothing good came from doing this. I liked the praise and I never posted anything fully nude but in the end I was solicited by creeps and webcam business sharks. I met many people that I love to this day, who were positive in my life, but nothing really good came of it.
During this time many bad things happened to my family. I became very depressed and then began self-harming. This is something i deeply regret. I began wearing womens clothing to school but nothing radical; tunic shirts and skinny jeans with my hair in lil pigtails. but no one saw me as a girl. I was very unhappy for more reasons than just my gender dysphoria. When I was 17 I told my parents. I seriously considered starting HRT, even went to a clinic but I chickened out. My parents were supportive but obviously didnt fully understand what I was going through/wanted.
Then one of my older online friends, who had just gone post-op, flipped out and it freaked me out. I really looked up to her but then she said some very mean things and she was obviously very unhappy. It really scared me. I threw away all my things and went to college. I tried to live a lie. It didnt work.
at the beginning of this year I learned of Nong Toom, the beautiful boxer. She truly inspired me with her courage and strength (she fought matches while transitioning against men and they would punch her boobies! D:) It really made me think. I ended up staying up for nights. I realized that I had been hurting myself by hiding who I truly am. I regret not transitioning earlier but now I know I am certain I want to transition asap. And when my living situation is sorted in the next few months, I plan to go full time for realz. I want to be who I want to be and I know the only thing holding me back is fear. I have been thinking long enough and I want to take action! I want to get going now so I can focus on the other things I love like art, music, writing, and fashion.
If you read all of this, thank you. I hope I didnt share too much information. I wish to learn more here and be active in this community. I want to stay positive and help others be positive and strong. I want everyone to be who they want to be and to know they are beautiful.
Thanks again, love you all! ;3
rina ballerina
