My wife and my employment are the two things that hold me back from going full-time. Over the course of the nearly 6 years now I've been taking this trans beast head on after 30-40 years of using diversions, distractions and some denial, my wife and I both have grown shedding a few gallons of tears each. My wife is my best friend, soul mate, reality therapist, among other things including oft times PITA. Just as I am for her. We both place the others happiness above our own. She does not want to be the reason I hold back. I do not want to be the reason for blowing away all our shared hopes wishes and dreams.
Early on in this process I got the "I did not marry a woman" line. A TG, sure, that she was fully aware of. Yet I even slowly started burying my need to cross-dress since I knew it it affect her. Just pile on a few more tons of Have-To's on my never ending To-Do list. No prob. However, after my meltdown, over time she saw how me comming to accept who I am, make positive changes in my life. Become a happier and actually ALIVE person. The old me was back. Back even better, even stronger emotionally. Even better than before as I continue to grow into one whole and complete person.
Her attitudes have evolved some. First it was being cool about me doing part-time. Being and living as Joanne outside of work. Now it may even go as far as full-time. Yet no guarantees of any sort. Which I think is totally fair. I can neither ask nor expect her to stay in a situation that makes her unhappy. If there is one thing I learned these past 6 years, it is I know what does not work. The 3D's of Distractions, Diversions, and Denial (OK 4, drinking) do not work. They just turn you into a lifeless souless being.
I wrestle most days with the puzzle of is that joy of always living as the real me, feeling totally genuine, seeing the person I want to see in the mirror worth the risk of loosing my wife? Of loosing my other joy, my job? Will I realize that I Need to go full-time, or is a middle ground enough?
I don't recall how badly your wife may have reacted to your dropping of the T-Bomb. Plenty of visceral feelings tend to bubble up. While it is easy to say "We are going to put that behind us", you really can't. There are no do-overs for something as basic and emotional of an issue as this. Too much, too fast for her to handle can only make things worse. I still have problems judging that fine line line between being open and honest and TMI. It being a moving target doesn't help either.
I guess, in a round about way, I am saying that if your wife is so horrified about you wanting to transition, there probably is no hope for a future together now. If she was unsure of her future feelings, yet wanted to at least try to continue being your partner, then I doubt you'd be talking in terms of loosing her and having to move out in a month.
