Back... Again.

[matthewzguitarz]

Okay, so left the forums for a few months to try and live life as a "normal" teen guy, and now I am back.. again.

Not so much has actually really happened thinking about it, except for the really weird conversations and looks from people when I was trying really hard to not be trans. Think that part started at my cousin's wedding when 2 of the cousins I haven't seen in a while, both admitted that they thought I was gay or bi when they first saw me, didn't really bother me much then.

Last month, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in at least 6 months, and pretty much right away he asked me if I had ever had a girlfriend(the reply was obviously a no), then asked me if I am gay. So, pretty much everyone I have talked to these last few months think I am gay or bi I guess..

Then I have gotten weird looks from people for things I have said I guess.

The weirdest thing honestly, is that even on the internet, people have to ask if I am a girl in real life, even if I am playing as a male character on a game, and make it clear I am a guy, yet they still have to ask my gender. So, have given up on playing male characters for now.

Back on topic, all this stuff, plus my own feelings, have made me realize I am probably trans, and there is no point of denying it anymore. But, I do not see myself transitioning now, and probably never fully transitioning unless certain things happen to me(like if it turns out I can't have biological kids anyways, since that is really one of the main reasons I don't want to transition).

For now though, any things I can do to like.. still be sort of girlish without transitioning? I was thinking of just playing female characters in games, maybe doing some voice therapy(ends up my voice is higher than I thought anyways, at least while singing), and just wearing colors not usually associated with guys or something...

Though.. if one of my friends or cousins have to ask one more time if I am gay or bi, I will probably snap and end up coming out way earlier than I planned... or just go crazy and yell for a few minutes(actually happened today for another reason, was worrying about multiple things and sadly lost control and cussed a lot at my family.. maybe I should see a therapist if I ever get brave enough to ask my parents about it).

[Sammy]

Bottling it all up inside of You is clearly not a good idea - especially since You admitted that it gets harder and You are on the verge on snapping and lashing out to those, who dont even suspect how You feel. Besides, spreading out collateral damage on Your family is not useful in most cases anyway. Since, I assume from what You said, that You are a minor, well, You dont have much options at the moment and speaking to Your parents and seeing an expert - or the other way around, depening on Your finances, would be one of the best routes to pursue. Maybe You should start by taking small steps in real life too, not only living female in online worlds, so people might start picking up clues and getting the idea before You actually come out to them? Are You parents open-minded? Is there any chance You might shift Your gender expression to the point when lets say two months later You would come out to them and they would react like "Oh, we already suspected that"?

[Ltl89]

Okay, so left the forums for a few months to try and live life as a "normal" teen guy, and now I am back.. again.

Not so much has actually really happened thinking about it, except for the really weird conversations and looks from people when I was trying really hard to not be trans. Think that part started at my cousin's wedding when 2 of the cousins I haven't seen in a while, both admitted that they thought I was gay or bi when they first saw me, didn't really bother me much then.

Last month, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in at least 6 months, and pretty much right away he asked me if I had ever had a girlfriend(the reply was obviously a no), then asked me if I am gay. So, pretty much everyone I have talked to these last few months think I am gay or bi I guess..

Then I have gotten weird looks from people for things I have said I guess.

The weirdest thing honestly, is that even on the internet, people have to ask if I am a girl in real life, even if I am playing as a male character on a game, and make it clear I am a guy, yet they still have to ask my gender. So, have given up on playing male characters for now.

Back on topic, all this stuff, plus my own feelings, have made me realize I am probably trans, and there is no point of denying it anymore. But, I do not see myself transitioning now, and probably never fully transitioning unless certain things happen to me(like if it turns out I can't have biological kids anyways, since that is really one of the main reasons I don't want to transition).

For now though, any things I can do to like.. still be sort of girlish without transitioning? I was thinking of just playing female characters in games, maybe doing some voice therapy(ends up my voice is higher than I thought anyways, at least while singing), and just wearing colors not usually associated with guys or something...

Though.. if one of my friends or cousins have to ask one more time if I am gay or bi, I will probably snap and end up coming out way earlier than I planned... or just go crazy and yell for a few minutes(actually happened today for another reason, was worrying about multiple things and sadly lost control and cussed a lot at my family.. maybe I should see a therapist if I ever get brave enough to ask my parents about it).

Hey Matthew,

I know what it's like to have numerous people assume you're gay.  It's especially annoying when you feel that you really are straight.... just a different gender then they thought, lol. 

First, don't let people's comments get to you.  Being trans is an internal identity, not really about whether you are seen as more effeminate.  I know plenty of men that are fem who are far from gay or trans.  If that's your only big concern, I wouldn't worry.  If you do feel internally that you are transgender, that's a different story.  What does your heart say?  That's what's important when discovering your identity. 

Secondly, if you feel you are transgender, there is no reason you must transition if that isn't what you want.  Many of us do, but it isn't for everyone.  There are some non-transitioning trans people around and it's important that you only do what makes you comfortable.    Again, follow your heart.

Lastly, getting a therapist isn't a bad idea.  It's been a helpful step for many of us here. 

Good luck with everything!

[bethany]

Welcome back Matt.

Back on topic, all this stuff, plus my own feelings, have made me realize I am probably trans, and there is no point of denying it anymore. But, I do not see myself transitioning now, and probably never fully transitioning unless certain things happen to me(like if it turns out I can't have biological kids anyways, since that is really one of the main reasons I don't want to transition).

If you are concerned about not having children because of transitioning there is always the option of storing your sperm for such an occasion.

[matthewzguitarz]

Well, I don't know about my parents being too open minded about LGBT things, but they have to be sort of open minded.. I mean, there is usually a pig in the house, and most people might think that is crazy.. so yeah.

Though, I think at least my parents and younger brother are more open minded about homosexuals now because they found out Catholics are okay with homosexuals as long as they don't live the lifestyle(which is much better than other churches I have been to who just outright condemn them).

I have been sort of acting more feminine lately to try and have my parents ask me about being gay or trans so I don't have to tell them directly, but I haven't done anything too extreme(my parents scare me to be honest, at least when it comes to directly talking about something).

I am pretty sure I feel transgendered though. Hmm... my mind went blank on what I was going to type just now because I started thinking about music, so moving on.

Anyways, I am kind of thinking my parents suspect something, probably closer to me being gay though since like I said, almost everyone I meet asks me if I am gay or bi(unless they are adults). I also have told my mom before that I didn't like one of the people at youth group because he actually told me I must be gay(I don't have as much of a problem when someone asks).

[Sammy]

Funny, but pretty much everyone will assume that someone might rather be gay than trans - because with trans You usually dont get any kind of clues and people are much more familiar with gay culture and presentation than trans issues (here where I live, usually first thing which is associated with a transsexual is a linebacker in skirt, wearing bright makeup and misfitting wig... - maybe that kind of assumption is even good for rest of us).

[matthewzguitarz]

Think I forgot to mention in my last post, that I have kind of hinted toward 2 of my cousins that I am trans, by bringing up that my other cousin asked if I was secretly a girl. I pretty much just told them that I doubt I am gay, but I consider myself bi-curious for sexuality, and also that the cousin was actually really close when he asked that(I think he was actually asking if I was gay, but still, hard to tell when he words it like that).

But, I am kind of interested in my dreams for whatever reason, I have been having a lot of dreams of being a girl(yet still having the weird parts of like somehow being able to shoot ice out of my hands)... much better than having nightmares about finding the right bathroom