Hi everybody. This may ramble around a bit and is a request for advice, rant, or ARGH, I can't tell anymore.
At the last therapy appointment they stopped my HRT for the second time. The reason they gave was that I was not "presenting" enough to suit them so they were not going to risk their medical license for someone not "serious" enough to go all out with the appropriate dress. Total FUBAR, right? I was only on it for a little over three months and had some effects, but not enough for me to go full time which is what they thought I should be doing. I guess they have not read the Standards of Care, sad huh? Anyway the "T" or something came down like a lead balloon and I went back to the old me which was moody, over alert and ready to snap at anyone who provoked me. My PTSD has started to hit me hard and I am only getting an hour or so sleep every three days now. Everything came to a head when at a big store in the parking lot. Three thugs were messing with an elderly couple and I stepped between them and the three guys, had them get into their car and drive off. The gentleman didn't want to leave me with them, but I said I would be OK. As they left thug one threw a punch which I let go by, grabbed his arm, dislocated his elbow and threw an elbow of my own into his jaw. OK, situation over as the other two decided it was a good time to leave. I was not charged with anything as the video camera's and my law enforcement credentials cleared me of any wrong doing. Long story hopefully short this is my question to you all.........
Am I destined after 28 years of Emergency Services to be the protector of everyone and be forced to live in a world of violence, misery, suffering, chaos and tragedy, or do I have the right to do what I want which is transition and leave this all behind me? I mean it sounds like an easy answer, but I keep getting pushed back into this type of life against all of my wishes. Sorry I am so confused and this is probably not a clear and easily read post, I am just so mixed up right now. It just seems like the universe keeps conspiring to keep me from following my heart and becoming a relaxed and peaceful person. Do you think some of us have to stay like we are so that others might be successful? Do I have some kind of unspoken obligation to the world with my past work history? Why are things not falling into place even with my knowledge of the process, meds, desire's, and clearly defined goals? I am just scared with my age I would not be able to start over again with the process. I know that is not right, but I am tired to be honest. Don't worry though as I am not a self terminating kind of person, just mentally exhausted right now.
Sorry again for this rambling Bravo Sierra. I know we all of you have issue's as well, so don't worry about replying to this post. Feels good just to get it off my chest. I apologize for this moment of weakness, I try really hard not to get down about things.
