Later in Life Discovery

[Sophie Lou]

I see that there are many people in their teens, and even under 30, who have uncovered that they might need to live life as a different gender to feel like themselves. I haven't heard as many stories for those that are discovering this later in life.
I have only recently realized that I am gay, and am still trying to accept that. However, I have found, in the last week, that I have become obsessed with watching mtf transition videos and hearing their testimonials.

One of the most recent developments in my acceptance of being gay, is an expression of a feminine side in my walk and attitude(or perspective). My voice also wants to be softer.
Being in the female perspective makes me feel at home with myself. I am thinking that I might associate as a different gender, and that might be a huge source for my dissociative experience and other social phobias.

It is really throwing me for a loop since I am in my mid-late 30's. I think I am in shock. Anyone else with a similar, later-in-life experience?
      

[Gina Taylor]

I'm 45 years old, and I've had an inkling of being a transsexual since I was 25. Right now I'm seriously thinking of transitionng, but I'm up against so much opposition with my family because they don't have any idea about why I have to do certain things like dressing as a woman. My mom actually told me that it would be easier to accept that I was gay instead of transsexual, because I wouldn't have to change my clothes to be gay.

[E-Brennan]

An inkling here too, as far back as I can really remember.  But not until the past couple of years has it really turned into a non-stop struggle to stay sane as a female inside a male body and a male life.

I don't know what causes so many people to realize this later than others.  I'm in the same boat as you, as are so many others here - we "'figured it out" two, three, four decades too late.  But late is the wrong word, because it's never really too late to be true to who you are.  Perhaps it's just growing up; getting comfortable with looking at ourselves critically; learning to be honest with ourselves; not being scared of the answers anymore; being in an environment that allows for more freedom; maybe just sick of feeling so damn lousy and starting to look at why, or having exhausted all the other easy options; could be biological changes; or maybe just as simple as not being stuck in that busy turmoil of youth.  Who knows why some people figure this stuff out earlier than people like you and me.  For some, their feelings are far more pronounced and defined, but mine kinda loitered in the background for a long time and only tapped me on the shoulder a few years ago.

There never was a specific point at which I suddenly knew I was transgender, and no real point at which I suddenly said to myself, "Dude, you might be transgender."  It was more of a journey of discovery (ongoing) with lots of examination of my life and experimentation with who I am and who I want to be, through which I'm just starting to feel more comfortable with who I am.  And for me, that's the ultimate goal - to be happy (happier?) with who I am.  And I hope you start to find yourself too, because although it's a journey full of uncomfortable truths, huge highs and lows, and wonderful revelations, it's a journey worth taking.  (And the guys and girls on this site are amazing support too!)

[Ms Grace]

My first tilt was at age 23 and lasted two years before imploding. After more than twenty years of trying to deny that I was trans* here I am again, age 47. In many ways transitioning at a more mature age has been a much better experience for me, I'm better off financially, there is more acceptance and support than in the 1990s, I've had plenty of opportunity to reflect and observe, etc. Not quite the same as making the realisation at a later stage from a totally unknowing position in life I know but I guess we all come to our understandings in totally unique ways. My electrologist told me about one trans lady who transitioned at age 71!

[Eva Marie]

I grew up in the age of tang, .25 cents a gallon for "sky chief" (premium phillips 66 leaded gas), the first man on the moon, transistor radios, and TVs with no remotes, 3 channels and tubes in them - ie, the 60s. We didn't have no "internet".

I had it pointed out to me by the other kids in not so nice ways that I was "different" but I couldn't put a finger on what the difference was, or how to fix it, and I had no way to find it out either - "transgender" was not a term that anyone knew back then. I never wanted to dress up in girl clothes or play with dolls or anything like that so my clues as to who I am were rather muddled, but looking back they were clearly there.

So when I got to about 45 my trans bell began to softly toll, and I knew that "something" was up. By the time I was 50 it was ringing off off the wall and I was forced to see a therapist or finish the job of drinking myself to death. Now at 51 I'm separated from my wife and am on the way to transition.

Wow, I'm still not quite sure how I got here this fast.....

[Gina Taylor]

An inkling here too, as far back as I can really remember.  But not until the past couple of years has it really turned into a non-stop struggle to stay sane as a female inside a male body and a male life.

I don't know what causes so many people to realize this later than others.  I'm in the same boat as you, as are so many others here - we "'figured it out" two, three, four decades too late.  But late is the wrong word, because it's never really too late to be true to who you are.  Perhaps it's just growing up; getting comfortable with looking at ourselves critically; learning to be honest with ourselves; not being scared of the answers anymore; being in an environment that allows for more freedom; maybe just sick of feeling so damn lousy and starting to look at why, or having exhausted all the other easy options; could be biological changes; or maybe just as simple as not being stuck in that busy turmoil of youth.  Who knows why some people figure this stuff out earlier than people like you and me.  For some, their feelings are far more pronounced and defined, but mine kinda loitered in the background for a long time and only tapped me on the shoulder a few years ago.

There never was a specific point at which I suddenly knew I was transgender, and no real point at which I suddenly said to myself, "Dude, you might be transgender."  It was more of a journey of discovery (ongoing) with lots of examination of my life and experimentation with who I am and who I want to be, through which I'm just starting to feel more comfortable with who I am.  And for me, that's the ultimate goal - to be happy (happier?) with who I am.  And I hope you start to find yourself too, because although it's a journey full of uncomfortable truths, huge highs and lows, and wonderful revelations, it's a journey worth taking.  (And the guys and girls on this site are amazing support too!)

That's a very nice way of putting it Michele. The way that I see it, is that we weren't mentally ready for what we had to do when we were kids, nor did we fully understand what was going on until we actually got older. Then as we matured then we started to understand it better and then we started to do things about it, like transitioning to make our bodies more in line with how we saw ourselves. To become true to ourselves and make ourselves happy has been a long journey, but believe me, when this journey is finished, we'll all be so much happier. 

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I am one of the older transitioners here.  I began at 54 and I am now 59, soon to be 60.

[Julianna]

I'll be 45 in January, and I've only within the last two years come to the realization that I'm transgender. For almost thirty years, I lied to myself: I'm a crossdresser; I'm consumed by lust; this is a behavior I engage in only when I'm stressed; etc. There was no Internet when I was growing up, no forum that I could go to in order to learn who I truly am, no one to tell me that I'm not alone in my feelings. I was once asked which two words of advice I would give to my younger self; my answer was puberty blockers. Although I was being somewhat humorous, I was being equally serious. I wish I'd known! I know that people say not to look back, not to hold on to regret; and as well as I can, I don't do those things at all, trying to remain optimistic for the future. Still, if someone invented a time machine and/or age-reversing process, then I'd probably jump on either one to become the person I should have been all along. Unfortunately, there are no do-overs; all I can do is to go from here as well as I can. It's not hopeless, even if I am 6'2" and have a square jaw.

We all find out at different stages of our lives; the important thing is that we find out.

[suzifrommd]

Anyone else with a similar, later-in-life experience?

Started living full time as a woman at 51.

Since my teen years I knew that I wished I'd been born a woman, but I never knew that it was possible to become one. I knew that transsexuals did it, but because I never felt like a "woman in a man's body" I didn't think I was one.

It's not until I went to a gender identity support group and saw ordinary people could transition that I started feeling like I had to do it too.

[gennee]

I came out as a crossdresser over 8 years ago at age fifty-six. A short time later I concluded that my journey ran much deeper than clothing. When I researched the word transgender, it immediately connected with me. Today, I am a happy and content 65 year old transgender woman. I've never been happier!

[JordanBlue]

But late is the wrong word, because it's never really too late to be true to who you are. 

Michele:
You are so right.  I'm 59 and probably way too old to be starting down this path.  I kept all the dysphoria locked in a box hidden in a dark corner for 50 years.  I knew who I was inside, but nobody else did.  Depression, anger, anxiety,rage, isolation, etc. Oh sure, the dysphoria (opposite of euphoria, isn't that interesting?) rose to the surface from time to time, but I always managed to lock it back up. Till the last time it reappeared...
I can't competently explain it, but it was like hitting a brick wall.  The neon sign in my brain was flashing "Game Over! Deal With This Or Die".  So, that's what I'm doing now, dealing with it.  I can feel my true self emerging.  I'm seeing a GT and probably have 3 appointments left before starting HRT.  At the last appointment, my GT said "I'm hearing a LOT of dysphoria".  Sure, I already knew that...but I got some peace out of hearing someone else say it.  Bottom line? I just want to not feel dead inside and be happy.  I'm too old to be Jennifer Aniston, so "happy" will be just fine with me. 

[Gina Taylor]

Michele:
You are so right.  I'm 59 and probably way too old to be starting down this path.  I kept all the dysphoria locked in a box hidden in a dark corner for 50 years.  I knew who I was inside, but nobody else did.  Depression, anger, anxiety,rage, isolation, etc. Oh sure, the dysphoria (opposite of euphoria, isn't that interesting?) rose to the surface from time to time, but I always managed to lock it back up. Till the last time it reappeared...
I can't competently explain it, but it was like hitting a brick wall.  The neon sign in my brain was flashing "Game Over! Deal With This Or Die".  So, that's what I'm doing now, dealing with it.  I can feel my true self emerging.  I'm seeing a GT and probably have 3 appointments left before starting HRT.  At the last appointment, my GT said "I'm hearing a LOT of dysphoria".  Sure, I already knew that...but I got some peace out of hearing someone else say it.  Bottom line? I just want to not feel dead inside and be happy.  I'm too old to be Jennifer Aniston, so "happy" will be just fine with me. 

Hmmm, that's interesting. You've mentioned a lot of symptoms that I have {Depression, anger, anxiety,rage}, that my parents claim may have been caused because of my accident from 1978, but as said it now makes more sense that it could be more related to me being transgendered.

[JordanBlue]

Hmmm, that's interesting. You've mentioned a lot of symptoms that I have {Depression, anger, anxiety,rage}, that my parents claim may have been caused because of my accident from 1978, but as said it now makes more sense that it could be more related to me being transgendered.

Gina:
Naturally, your parents are just looking for something to blame it on.  That's understandable.  I doubt that gender dysphoria could be caused by an accident, but I'm no expert by far.  I had all of those symptoms and more.  I was not a nice guy.  I was a complete a-hole most of the time.  I was trans-phobic.  I was a textbook example of male over-compensation.  I could never admit to ANYONE who I was deep inside myself.  I sicken myself when I think back over my past.
But guess what?   A person can't run and hide forever.  I reached a point where I knew if I didn't deal with this, I would end up in the morgue.  It's just that simple.  I've tried several times, but I don't want to die now. I want to live. I want to be happy.  It's that simple.

[Gina Taylor]

Gina:
Naturally, your parents are just looking for something to blame it on.  That's understandable.  I doubt that gender dysphoria could be caused by an accident, but I'm no expert by far.  I had all of those symptoms and more.  I was not a nice guy.  I was a complete a-hole most of the time.  I was trans-phobic.  I was a textbook example of male over-compensation.  I could never admit to ANYONE who I was deep inside myself.  I sicken myself when I think back over my past.
But guess what?   A person can't run and hide forever.  I reached a point where I knew if I didn't deal with this, I would end up in the morgue.  It's just that simple.  I've tried several times, but I don't want to die now. I want to live. I want to be happy.  It's that simple.

I agree with you so much JordanBlue. I use to feel like a jigsaw puzzle and none of the pieces were fitting except for now. Now that I have more information, they all seem to be clicking together. 

[suzifrommd]

I use to feel like a jigsaw puzzle and none of the pieces were fitting except for now.

I really like that image. It describes my whole life - that I knew I was somehow different but had no clue exactly what it was that made me different.

[Constance]

I probably had the first inklings between 5 and 7 years old thinking, "Oh well, I was born a boy I'll just have to be a boy." Around the time of puberty I just wrote it all off as a strange sexual fetish where I found girls so attractive I wanted to be one.

I would be 38 before I had any serious thoughts regarding my own gender identity, and I started my transition at age 41. I'm 44 now and my legal name and gender have been changed. I'm still pre-op.

[E-Brennan]

I probably had the first inklings between 5 and 7 years old thinking, "Oh well, I was born a boy I'll just have to be a boy." Around the time of puberty I just wrote it all off as a strange sexual fetish where I found girls so attractive I wanted to be one.

Constance, that sums up my feelings exactly.  At a younger age, I had no way of knowing that I didn't have to be a boy simply because I was born a boy.  (And I mean, who does know at that age?)  And during puberty, I would have given anything to be a girl, but I thought that I must have some weird sexual fetish or something.  I had no idea that a far better explanation of what I was experiencing was that I was having some serious transgender issues.  As an adult, I have been successful in locking this stuff up behind a wall of family, kids, job, etc.  But now that the kids are older and I've realized that I don't want some supercareer life of traditional middle class hollow "success" - I just want to be happy, sane, and live a life that is comfortable and unremarkable - the transgender issues are smashing their way out and screaming at me, "You want to be happy? We can help!"  And they're right.

I'm not sure I'm entirely ready to listen to them yet, and right now I'm stuffing them back inside the cage.  But it's like herding cats at the moment, and over the past year they have been starting to escape from the cage quicker than I can stuff them back inside.  It's rather crowded in there.

Time for a bigger cage?  Or perhaps time to address the issues once and for all?

Bigger cage.   

[Constance]

Michele, only you can decide when or if to leave your cage.

I was able to talk openly about my gender issues with my wife, and at first she'd said she'd never leave me even if I needed to transition. It didn't work out that way, and we're still good friends. We were divorced nearly 2 years ago, after 23 years of marriage. I also had a therapist who was really helpful, and there were clergy persons I found I could rely on for support.

Do you have people IRL to whom you can turn for support?