how early in life did you know that something was wrong or different

[Aina]

I find myself stunned I can't really remember anything before 6 or 7, nor have I really ever expressed myself as being either girl or boy. I wish I could bring up those memories maybe unlock something I've missed.

Yet I remember other things, I use to draw pictures of guys (They were a few levels above stick figures at this point I was around 6 or 7) and slowly add to the picture and the guy would become a girl. I always had a vivid uncontrollable imagination. I use to pretend my male G.I Joes turning into females G.I Joes. I began wishing, dream, praying and even attempting "magic" to become a girl. I once borrowed some of my sisters clothing but almost getting caught I never did it again. Lots of other things that should have been clues.

So fast forward many years and really wasn't till I came here to Susan's place to get feed-back on my voice that it really hit me that I am transgender. I really blame my thick head....

Funny really.

[Jenna Stannis]

Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part, or is there a disproportionate number of trans women who have some link with the military? 

[MiaOhMya!]

Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part, or is there a disproportionate number of trans women who have some link with the military?

I think perhaps we hope it will sweep us away, change us. Alleviate the dysphoria. The warnings I chose to heed from those who did the same before me is that being trans is who I am, and that nothing will change that.

I just wanted to fly, it is my passion, but being trans is who I am so the choice was obvious. Tough but obvious.

[stephaniec]

I think perhaps we hope it will sweep us away, change us. Alleviate the dysphoria. The warnings I chose to heed from those who did the same before me is that being trans is who I am, and that nothing will change that.

I just wanted to fly, it is my passion, but being trans is who I am so the choice was obvious. Tough but obvious.

I remember sitting at base looking in the sky and seeing the jets go by I wishing I could do that. I use to imagine sitting in the pilots seat

[Caitlyn]

I don't have the greatest memory, but I remember that I didn't have much dysphoria until I was a bit older, around 12 or so when I got in Jr. High School. I think it's because when I was very young the few friends I had were mostly girls, and so we would spend our time playing "house" or "dress-up," and so I was perfectly content. I do remember wanting to be girl at this age, although it was never really at the forefront of my mind. I didn't really have any issues until puberty started to hit. That's when I realized that something wasn't right. I noticed that I didn't think or act like the other boys, and I would often fantasize about being protected or rescued (not that women need to be protected or rescued, it was just how I was projecting my feelings at the time). I tried to force these feelings down below the surface, partially because I was in denial, partially because my family has always been very conservative and religious, and I knew that they wouldn't accept anything less than a real "man's man." In retrospect, I realize that this was likely the source of the deep depression I fought through in my mid-teens to early twenties.

Still, it wasn't until I was about 18 that I finally realized that I REALLY wanted to be a woman. It became a burning desire that would always resurface, no matter how hard I tried to suppress it. At first, it didn't affect my daily life too much. I could go days, or even weeks, without thinking about it if I carefully monitored my thoughts. But then I met another trans woman, and she told me about all of this stuff, and that's when I knew without a doubt that someday I would do something to change this body, to make it match what I feel on the inside.

Wow, long read. Sorry about the wall of text

Long story short: about 12, I suppose.

[anjaq]

Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part, or is there a disproportionate number of trans women who have some link with the military? 

I think this is so and it puzzles me as well. I get the whole "maybe I can 'become a man by joining the military'" to a degree - but I don't get how, once that fails, one can stay with that. For me personally just the realization of the reality of such a decision was enough to break the whole thing apart and actually lead up to me transitioning as it finally broke down all the fake maleness. I think if I really had let them draft me, I think within months I would have done everything I could to get out. But it seems some people keep trying?
This is not so much about being a soldier - I dont get that either but one of the girls in my school became a soldier and likes it so it is not necessarily a male/female thing to joing the military or not (even though there is a strong tendency). But to be all the time with males, behave in a very male fashion, fulfil rather male sterotypes - this is tough, it amazes me how one can build such an elaborate simulation to fulfill all of these....?

I find myself stunned I can't really remember anything before 6 or 7, nor have I really ever expressed myself as being either girl or boy. I wish I could bring up those memories maybe unlock something I've missed.

Yes. I have the same issue. I got information about earlier times only from my moms report at my psych during transition (she said I played with girls but kind of retreated often, was as fast as other girls in learning to walk and to read). But before 6 or 7 - nothing in my memory. Interestingly, this was about the same time that I was first sent to the child psych (age 7-9)...

[amber1964]

Im not very typical in this regard. I never thought I was female, not ever, not even once until about 5 years ago. High school was definetly a hard time for me, I was often beaten and called gay, ->-bleeped-<-got etc. Always a loner and never had any male friends.

I did get caught doing something though when I was about 12. This resulted in 3 years off and on of incarceration at CAMH being systematically tortured with reparative therapy. In my case mostly electric shocks, my finger is still numb to this day from it. I guess that cured me until I got much older. I still remember Dr. Freund, I hope he burns in hell forever.

[stephaniec]

Im not very typical in this regard. I never thought I was female, not ever, not even once until about 5 years ago. High school was definetly a hard time for me, I was often beaten and called gay, ->-bleeped-<-got etc. Always a loner and never had any male friends.

I did get caught doing something though when I was about 12. This resulted in 3 years off and on of incarceration at CAMH being systematically tortured with reparative therapy. In my case mostly electric shocks, my finger is still numb to this day from it. I guess that cured me until I got much older. I still remember Dr. Freund, I hope he burns in hell forever.

If you don't mind what country was this in, I hope not the US

[stephaniec]

I think this is so and it puzzles me as well. I get the whole "maybe I can 'become a man by joining the military'" to a degree - but I don't get how, once that fails, one can stay with that. For me personally just the realization of the reality of such a decision was enough to break the whole thing apart and actually lead up to me transitioning as it finally broke down all the fake maleness. I think if I really had let them draft me, I think within months I would have done everything I could to get out. But it seems some people keep trying?
This is not so much about being a soldier - I dont get that either but one of the girls in my school became a soldier and likes it so it is not necessarily a male/female thing to joing the military or not (even though there is a strong tendency). But to be all the time with males, behave in a very male fashion, fulfil rather male sterotypes - this is tough, it amazes me how one can build such an elaborate simulation to fulfill all of these....?
Yes. I have the same issue. I got information about earlier times only from my moms report at my psych during transition (she said I played with girls but kind of retreated often, was as fast as other girls in learning to walk and to read). But before 6 or 7 - nothing in my memory. Interestingly, this was about the same time that I was first sent to the child psych (age 7-9)...

I got drafted so wasn't too much of a choice

[Aina]

Yes. I have the same issue. I got information about earlier times only from my moms report at my psych during transition (she said I played with girls but kind of retreated often, was as fast as other girls in learning to walk and to read). But before 6 or 7 - nothing in my memory. Interestingly, this was about the same time that I was first sent to the child psych (age 7-9)...

I was and still I am hyper-active I spent allot of my child-hood drugged up (if you know anything about that you know I was half zombiefied). I suppose this could be a reason why, that most of my memories of wanting to be female really didn't surfaced till around late middle-school and highschool, where some how I talked my parents in letting me get off the meds.

I find myself slightly jealous of other peoples stories. That can't remember anything earlier then 6 to justify myself being trans which is odd right? I am pre-everything I find myself looking for that one perfect moment. As if I were to find it, then I'd suddenly get the courage to come out move forward and be certain on my decision to want to transition..

[anjaq]

I got drafted so wasn't too much of a choice

Darn - yeah, they had drafts here too. One had the chance to disobey them and was then given the alternative of doing a longer civil service. Most guys I know did that option. I wanted to not do that, I wanted somehow to let them do that "making a man" thing, but as I said the thought of that was participating in the whole "i cannot do any of that anymore" thing, and when they really came for it, I had already diagnosis and name change...
For a moment they still wanted me to come i and report. I was considering to do it LOL - but I ended up just sending them a letter

I find myself slightly jealous of other peoples stories. That can't remember anything earlier then 6 to justify myself being trans which is odd right? I am pre-everything I find myself looking for that one perfect moment. As if I were to find it, then I'd suddenly get the courage to come out move forward and be certain on my decision to want to transition..

I totall know this. I looked a lot into my past for a justification. Which was in a way stupid, even though I found many little things. But what was the point in the end - the important thing, that told me everything I needed to know was that my craving to get a female body was so strong that I was looking for a justification everywhere to "allow myself" against my learned reservations to pursue that body change. I later learned that this is a major indicator in itself - others are afraid to be trans - I was afraid not to be trans and then be denied by society, by the doctors and by peers to do a transition and reshape my body - this speaks of such a strong craving that it spoke for itself. Well but really to find all these bits in my past of course helped me to get the courage. Its all post-7 year old though. I have no clue as to what is blocking there...

[stephaniec]

Darn - yeah, they had drafts here too. One had the chance to disobey them and was then given the alternative of doing a longer civil service. Most guys I know did that option. I wanted to not do that, I wanted somehow to let them do that "making a man" thing, but as I said the thought of that was participating in the whole "i cannot do any of that anymore" thing, and when they really came for it, I had already diagnosis and name change...
For a moment they still wanted me to come i and report. I was considering to do it LOL - but I ended up just sending them a letter
I totall know this. I looked a lot into my past for a justification. Which was in a way stupid, even though I found many little things. But what was the point in the end - the important thing, that told me everything I needed to know was that my craving to get a female body was so strong that I was looking for a justification everywhere to "allow myself" against my learned reservations to pursue that body change. I later learned that this is a major indicator in itself - others are afraid to be trans - I was afraid not to be trans and then be denied by society, by the doctors and by peers to do a transition and reshape my body - this speaks of such a strong craving that it spoke for itself. Well but really to find all these bits in my past of course helped me to get the courage. Its all post-7 year old though. I have no clue as to what is blocking there...

The only reason I can remember being 4 years old is because I used to put my sisters slip on and lay in bed at night and look out my bedroom door into the hall way because there was a night lite. I've racked my brains trying to remember if I went to sleep with it on and if so how I got it off by morning if I did. I've tried to remember ,but I can't. all I know is I put it on and lied down straighten it out and then nothing from then on. The only thing I can think of is that my mother came in long after I fell asleep and took it off, but I haven't the slightest clue.

[Tessa James]

While not wanting to derail a great thread there are US studies that indicate a proportionately large number of transgender people have done the military thing.  Like so many I saw it as the traditional way to become a man and even being a dead hero seemed a glorious way out of hell.  Ironically that's when I met my first adult boyfriends, confirmed my adult orientation and first said aloud that I am not a man.  I also learned too graphically that warfare is nothing like the glorious movie portrayals.

Early childhood recollections for LGBTQ people can definitely be impacted by pain and repression.  I have a very senior lesbian relative that could not recall any of her childhood and doesn't want to.

[KittyKat]

I never really thought of being a women as more then a dream or wish when I went to bed. I tried to live a male life, did the Army thing got married had a kid etc. I started to get really depressed after awhile because the things I thought would make me happy just weren't. Spent a couple weeks inpatient for suicidal ideations followed by a month partial outpatient. I really had to figure things out after that and finally realized being a women wasn't just something I could just keep wishing I'd wake up as and I had to make it happen. I've been noticeably happier since I started my journey. Friday I should actually start hormones and I can't wait. Just waiting for my medical discharge so I can go full time and go to school.

[GorJess]

Basically at 3 or 4, which goes back to my 2nd ever memory. I remember taking baths with my mother, and noticing the difference down there, and that bothered me, it wasn't right, it was off. So I slammed down the toilet seat many times a day on it, making it purple, hoping it'd fall off from impact alone, and telling my mother I didn't want it anymore. When this didn't work, I got a 'toolbox' book kit-the only one I read was about how to use a saw...yes, I tried that too. I still have those thoughts now at 21, if I knew I didn't need it for SRS.

[MadeleineG]

Im not very typical in this regard. I never thought I was female, not ever, not even once until about 5 years ago. High school was definetly a hard time for me, I was often beaten and called gay, ->-bleeped-<-got etc. Always a loner and never had any male friends.

I did get caught doing something though when I was about 12. This resulted in 3 years off and on of incarceration at CAMH being systematically tortured with reparative therapy. In my case mostly electric shocks, my finger is still numb to this day from it. I guess that cured me until I got much older. I still remember Dr. Freund, I hope he burns in hell forever.

CAMH = Canadian Association of Mental Health 

[stephaniec]

Basically at 3 or 4, which goes back to my 2nd ever memory. I remember taking baths with my mother, and noticing the difference down there, and that bothered me, it wasn't right, it was off. So I slammed down the toilet seat many times a day on it, making it purple, hoping it'd fall off from impact alone, and telling my mother I didn't want it anymore. When this didn't work, I got a 'toolbox' book kit-the only one I read was about how to use a saw...yes, I tried that too. I still have those thoughts now at 21, if I knew I didn't need it for SRS.

wow, Never did any thing like that, but I had intense dreams about my genitals , blood vessels and all going down the toilet . Had those dreams in late grade school.

[amber1964]

Yes it was Canada, But the same was common practice in the US as well in the fifties, sixties, seventies. For gays and lesbains as well. Im sorry to say. Many lives ruined, guess no one would bes surprised I detest psychiatrists. Medicine men not men of medicine. Hate them all.

[big kim]

Yes it was Canada, But the same was common practice in the US as well in the fifties, sixties, seventies. For gays and lesbains as well. Im sorry to say. Many lives ruined, guess no one would bes surprised I detest psychiatrists. Medicine men not men of medicine. Hate them all.

It was common in the UK also.I dreaded anyone finding out my secret for these reasons,there was no one I could talk to.I'm 56 and grew up thinking I was going to end up in jail,the loony bin or the cemetary.

[emilyking]

Around 11 years, I had this feeling I wanted to wear girls clothes. 
I had no idea why, but being in a fundamentalist church really didn't help.  I didn't try on anything for like 2 years. 
However, when I was in second grade I had hard sole shoes on, so I had to wear a spare pair.  I for some unknown reason at the time, picked the strawberry shortcake ones, which were pink.  I remember, I forgot to take them off and someone had to point it out that I was still wearing them. 
I don't think I wore them again.

I just remembered, I was 12 or 13 and had chest pains and had to go to the doctor.  He told me that sometimes boys my age our chest grow out a bit.  Funny thing was I was not freaked out about it, in fact felt kinda relieved.  Wow, I almost forgot about that!

I do have Gynecomastia, thou they aren't really big.